Every year, hundreds upon many of horror movies are made. While their subject matter and quality vary wildly, they’re all created based on their answers to two questions:

1.    Will this make money?
2.    What fear does this prey upon?

Horror movies throughout time have always been a reflection of the fears of the day, from “Cat People” (probably representing teens in the 50’s) to the torture porn of today representing terrorism/your neighbors. The Sci-Fi Channel original “Legion of the Dead” preys upon three very specific, very American fears:

1. Middle Easterners.
2. Mummies.
3. Sex.

Since this is, (per Sci-Fi Channel’s marketing campaign) “The Most Dangerous Night on Television,’ we here at Bumps in the Night decided to watch it in the most dangerous way possible:  drunk, with the windows open.

The three of us kept an improbably misspelled and incoherent liveblog, that we’ll refer to occasionally as we try to put the events of the prior evening back together, and occasionally even the movie, “Legion of the Dead.”

If you like this, we’ll keep doing it. We always watch these damn movies.

If you’d like to watch the movie, and follow along with this review, that’s fine. Be forewarned, however: you’ll be watching “Legion of the Dead.” Just so we’re all clear on that.

Our cinematic experience opens with a pair of motorcyclists doing death-defying tricks across a treacherous desert landscape. Well, that’s what the rocking “We Listened to A LOT of Stone Temple Pilots Growing Up” song wants you to think, as two guys race their bikes through bushes, a kinda desert-looking arid area, and some more bushes. Occasionally, the go into a kind of slow-motion/fade sort of effect, suggesting that even the camera wasn’t sure why they were on screen. Eventually, the rockin’ tune ends as one of them crashes into a giant hole inexplicably in a very family-looking park. Even though all of his legs are probably broke, the biker gives a big thumbs up, letting the audience know that these men are on heavy, heavy drugs.

Which is good, because the Sci-Fi channel does not want you to know this. Both bikers are down in the hole, and learn a shocking secret: there’s a hidden Egyptian tomb down here! In America! Granted, they probably aren’t as shocked as any of us would’ve been, (“If I had found a warp zone from Kentucky to Egypt, I’d run screaming through both countries,” Emmett nodded sagely, sipping a 151 Pina Colada.) They celebrate this the only way a thinking person would: smoking weed, and commenting on the boobs of the hieroglyphs. At least, we think they were smoking weed.
Sci-Fi showed smoke above the man’s head, and a big blurry area over his mouth.

“Is he…” John searched for the right words, next to me on the couch. “Smoking… a dildo?”

“I didn’t know those gave off smoke,” Emmett finished his drink. “Silicon doesn’t burn like that.”

“If he were giving us the middle finger, his finger wouldn’t be smoking, right? Even if he were really giving it to us?” Greg offered, also unsure of what else to say, and wary of this “silicon” conversation.

But no, it was marijuana, and we all sighed audibly, in relief. We were all even more relieved when one of them grabbed the door with the giant skull on it, only to have a spike come up out of the ground and impale his chin. (He must’ve leaned into it.)  His buddy tried to escape, but, alas, was hit in the face by a piece of acid that leapt off a ledge, and then the ceiling fell down to kill him on his face, too.

BRINGING US TO OUR MOVIE.

(Which, sadly, is a little less interesting.)

There are probably very beautiful people that are into archaeology. I’m sure they exist, somewhere. (Maybe there’s like a “Hot Archaeologists” calendar we don’t know exists on the wall at a Fire Station somewhere) – but, “Legion of the Dead” presents us with several of them, each more uninteresting than the last.

Our lead girl, MOLLY, wears the glasses that say “I’m Smart and Can Handle Any Situation, Particularly Science-y Exposition” and booty shorts that simply say “Booty.” We know little about archaeology, but we assume you didn’t dress for it like you were trying out at Hooters – then again, if an Egyptian tomb appears somewhere in the Midwest, maybe this is the right way to dress.

She comes to the hole in the ground, to find a tent has grown around it. A fantastic douche-bazzle maybe a few months older than her is revealed to be: a tenured, respected professor in this profession for many years and an ex-lover of her’s. She responds to his sad advances the only way one can to such a thing: “It was a mistake. I was drunk.”

That may be what we end up titling this whole blog post.

Bruce Boxleitner shows up as a Sheriff, apparently K-Mart has a cheap Boss Hogg Halloween costume. He lectures the kids on something, we don’t remember what – hopefully, it involved Jeff Bridges, and Disney. (Yes, that’s a “Tron” joke.)

The rest of the “archaeology students” are filled out, and simply looking at them is to root for them to die. A few frat-looking dudes, a couple girls that realized the booty shorts were wholly inappropriate for a tomb, and the epitome of professionalism is a tube top. The One Black Guy wears a shirt that simply says: “KARL” on the front.

“I hope his name’s Doug, and that’s just the name of his favorite band,” John and Greg do a shot.

“Maybe he’s undercover,” Emmett nods. The others nod with him. Emmett’s so wise.

The exposition rolls off of everyone’s tongue like sandpaper wrapped in glass basted with gasoline: there’s some hieroglyphs, a bunch of mummies, and one that’s really important because it’s in the middle of the room and the camera keeps shaking when someone references it. Also: there’s another professor, more respected –and-more-foreign. He introduces himself to Molly in a series of words that reveal him to be from the “Christopher Lambert/Jon Voight in Anaconda Accent School.”

After some more mummy/camera shaking (and some gassing off by those smart enough to remember their lines about: “the evil queen Aneh-tet will rise and kill everybody”) Molly goes back to her hotel with “Proto-Mark Wahlberg,” who apparently she also dated last summer, and he also gets the “I Was Drunk” defense.  (You don’t get the feeling the writer was working through something here, do you…?)

NOTE:  That will probably be the last time we write “Aneh-tet” correctly.

Back at the Hole-To-Egypt, the mummy in the ground is finally stirring… it rips off the rags… revealing…

– the three of us in Bumps in the Night GASP–

A STUNNINGLY BEAUTIFUL PERSIAN WOMAN!

“No! What’s wrong with her chest?” Greg yells… recoiling in horror from the blurry mass that seems ensconced between her navel and her neck. “Is that… cancer?” he whispers.

But then, John whispers in his ear, and the world is back on track with a knowing sigh.

This woman is, as the audience knows immediately, Annettette, the evil monster in tonight’s movie. She’s beautiful, (played by Tehran-born actress “Claudia Lynx.” You almost get the feeling she might’ve changed her name somewhere along the way) and a monster.

As she comes back to life, THUNDER CLOUDS AND LIGHTING BOLTS STRIKE!… somewhere. She’s still in the hole, and outside, it’s the regular night. Not sure where these clouds come from. Maybe a subtle comment: “When Persian Women Come Back to Life, They Make Golden Clouds Appear In Your Mind.” Good to know.

She teleports out of the hole in all her not-boobed-yet-nude glory, and appears in the big tent of Professor “I’m Totally 25 And Banging My Students When They’re Drunk.” Annettette flashes and growls at him, but before he can show the proper appreciation, she waves her hand in front of his face… which promptly causes lightning to shoot from her mouth and melt this man’s face. Like, melt it. Melt-melt. It’s like someone de-thawed a bowl of sloppy joe. Lightning Breath. It’s… pretty awesome, actually.

Also: MIDDLE EASTERNS WILL BREATH LIGHTNING ON YOU.

The next morning, the Hot Archaeology Gang drive back to the hole to do some big-time archaeology, but the tube-top girl (wearing a sweater today?) discovers their face-melted-teacher, and has enough common sense to scream incoherently.

Meanwhile, in the basement, Foreign Prof grumbles “WHERE IS MY MUMMY?” in an accent that cannot be found on any map that doesn’t include countries from Final Fantasy, or perhaps laryngitis.
Back at the hotel, Molly is hanging out with her younger, high school sister whom we have not mentioned because she’s spectacularly lame.  They’re having a heart to heart about Proto-Mark Wahlberg, when someone yells outside: “What is this naked woman doing in our pool?”

Apparently, Annettette wandering through the Kentucky woods in face melt/blood and nude-hotness, only to be spotted by no one. She alleviates this, by jumping into the pool to clean herself off.  We half-expected her to begin licking the blood off of herself.

So the Molly and her sister help the nude Egyptian goddess of evil out of the pool, and into a towel. While the Molly steps out for a moment, the young sister tries talking to Annettette, only to have Annetteett stare at the 17 year old’s crotch, and reach for it.

“Did I miss anything?” lead girl asks, wandering back in.

“Um, her name’s Annette. And she’s gay!” the 17 year old sister yells. But then Annetette and Molly bond over speaking ancient Egyptian. Apparently, it’s not much of a conversation, because moments later, Annettettet teleports back into her tomb, to melt some more faces. Prof. Unidentifiable Accent (Prof. UA) does the only sensible thing, and falls to his knees to worship her. Bumps in the Night agrees that this is not a bad idea, on multiple levels.
He tells her that he can take the souls from his students that she needs for the ceremony (???) she says: “Men will try to stop me—“

“No, they won’t.” All three members of Bumps in the Night say in unison.

Back at the hotel, there’s a party, and an opportunity for people who probably drink often in real life to look unconvincingly drunk on camera. The Black Guy, (“Karl” Maybe) passes out at the edge of his bed with two feet on the ground.

“Been there,” the three men of Bumps in the Night mumble.

After a Boxleitner scene that’s too embarrassing and sad to be conveyed in mere words, “Karl” is out in the woods, being lured there by the naked Annaettette. After some slapping of beer out of his hands, she throws him to the ground and straddles him. (The message being, of course: “If You See a Beautiful Nude Middle Eastern Woman You Don’t Know Luring You into the Woods For Easy Sex, It Might Not Be the Best Idea.”) Then, she covers his mouth with her hand, more lightning shoots out of it, and then, blood from his mouth, and…

STORM CLOUDS! GOLDEN CLOUDS AND LIGHTNING AGAIN!

Emmett thinks: “Dear God, someday, let me have sex awesome enough to make it rain!”

And now, after several people have died, Molly has decided to read the hieroglyphs in the tomb. They mention a lot of gobbled-boobledy-gook about: “World Domination,” “Evil Beautiful Goddess,” etc. Annettette and Prof. UA watch this with expressions that range from “Evil” to “Bored.” As Molly read the hieroglyphs explaining everything we already know multiple times over, Annettette shouts to Professor UA:

“She knows too much! She has power! Take care of her, or I will!” and then Annettette storms off. So, to recap: she burns off the faces of multiple men, but lets one “dangerous woman” live. That’s an awfully kind gesture for an invincible mummy goddess monster. Could she be a feminist invincible mummy goddess monster?

Like we said earlier: fear.

Molly crawls out to apologize to Proto-Mark Wahlberg for hooking up with Professor “I Gots My Face Melteds Awff.” If you hook up with someone, and their face gets burned off, aren’t you absolved of all blame for hooking up with them? Seriously.

A possible-lesbian-make-out-scene-between-a-17-year-old-and-Annettette-turned-jump-scare later, and Annettette chases another guy through the woods – he stabs her in the gut, only to get an Adams-Apple full of face melting for his troubles. Each time a boy has their face melted off, someone lights Christmas lights underneath a mummy. Or, at least, that’s what the movie would have us believe.

Prof. UA loses his eligibility for “Teacher of the Year” by cutting off his hair and pick-axing one of his students to death. Tenure’s a hell of a thing.

Proto-Mark-Wahlberg apparently gets the stupid signal, telling him that it’s time for him to be stupid, and he goes to the Big Tent. Annettette shows him her patented male-face-melt move, only to have Proto-Mark-Wahlberg hit her in the face with that most American of weapons, coffee. While this causes lightning to shoot off of her face in pain (seriously) it does not kill or hurt her. Proving something that our government has long since taught us: the Persian Menace cannot be stopped. Especially while nude.

Molly almost hits Proto-Mark Wahlberg with her car, and he regales her with the whole sad tale and the face melting and the whatnot. She proclaims how stupid she is, and that Annettette needs six male souls to resurrect her mummies.

“She needs their Ka,” Molly says.

“Ka,” John mutters, pointing at Emmette and Greg. “we’re going to say she said ‘ka,” and we’re sticking to that.”

Boxleitner gets the DNA report back on the first face-melt, only to learn they found DNA is 4,000 years old. (Thankfully, Annettette’s blood was on record from her juvie days, four millennia ago.)

Down in the tomb, Annetette got a Big Ankh that looks like it came from Spencer’s Gifts, on sale. She pulls a knife out of the top, and baptizes the mummies with it. Prof. UA is disturbingly wearing fewer clothes in every scene. She brings each mummy to life, while saying: “Bring me the offering. Kill all the rest.” She goes down the line, apparently bringing back the Legion of the Dead one by one. With this crowd, we guess it makes sense to hedge your bets.

Back at the hotel, Molly figures out how to stop Annettette, which apparently involves a lot of exposition Greg was not sober enough to write down. “this one is still hit witht e fly thing – ahs a scrfice a versio – STORM CLOUDS!@!!!!”  which probably sums up the scene better than the scene did.

Molly steps out of the hotel room with her boyfriend…

… and onto Awesome Train, a Train Made For and From Awesome.

Because the hotel is under attack… from Mummies.

Not Arnold Vosloo, and the best special effects 1998 can buy. No, guys in mummy outfits, running around a hotel. The director very clearly said: “Run Like a Mummy Would Run!” Which the actors took to mean: “Run Like You Tried to Do the Thriller Dance After Huffing Paint For the First Time!” The mummies stumble, lurch, lean and practically skip around the hotel, murdering people – (they rip out a girl’s spine!) in their wake.

“A couple lines different from Annettette and this is Encino Man with hot chicks,” Emmett finishes his drink: “Everyone, write that down.”

What is it about crap that inspires?

The mummies have no time for such reflection, they’re here to par-tay! And by that, they mean: “Kill People In as Goofy a Manner as Possible.” One knocks on a hotel room door, a woman answers, and he instantly reaches in and pulls the heart out of her chest. He then gets a close-up, where each member of Bumps in the Night expected him to sing that Bryan Adams song we don’t totally don’t listen to where he sings about “the heart of the matter.”

But Molly and Proto-Mark Wahlberg are here to kick ass and get away, and since the car’s somewhere outside of the shot,  they’re all out of “get away!” She decapitates one with a fire extinguisher (???) while Proto-Mark-Wahlberg apparently has been researching mummies, since he knows their one true weakness: pool cleaning nets. Seriously.

He holds three of them off with one, and then throws it, Braveheart-style, through a mummy, impaling him on a concrete wall. It’s such a magnificent refutation of physics that Emmett breaks into applause.

Back at the tomb, Annetettet is finally in the “Cleopatra” outfit that sold this movie, (well, at least, before they knew she was going to spend much of it topless.) But she proves that Persians are just as dangerous with a minimal amount of clothing on as they are nude when she yells out that “the offering is here!” Four mummies hold down Molly’s sister (who… none of the three members of Bumps in the Night would’ve put five bucks on her being a virgin.)

Prof. UA is great – he’s like a soccer hooligan helping a naked chick bring on the end of the world. The Mummies struggle to hold the 17 year old down — hopefully, none of them had to mention to Annetette that embarrassing scene with the invincible pool cleaning net that still imprisons one of their countrymen.

Back at the hotel, Boxleitner investigates… and finds that girl’s severed spine in the parking lot. This warrants a phone call, hopefully to the FBI. It seems like that spine should be bagged. Admittedly, this scene would’ve helped the 3rd act of “No Country For Old Men” tremendously.

In the tomb, the 17 year old kicks a mummy in the head — -his friends try to tear her apart, but Annetette holds them off with a stern hand gesture while shouting: “VIRGIN BLOOD WILL BRING US ETERNAL LIFE!” Many of you remember when Secretary of Defense Robert Gates said that on Meet the Press about the Persian Menace, it was more shocking then.

MOLLY IS NOW IN THE TOMB!

And she brought dynamite! In her purse!

“I’ve been on this date,” John says, and laughs. Emmett doesn’t.

MOLLY and ANNETTETTE engage in some arguing that rivals the best back-and-forth of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolfe” –

M: “Let my sister go or I’ll kill us all!”

A: We cannot die. (Persians.)

M: I can destroy the ankh. Let her go –

A: An offering must be made –

M: Then offer me –

A: You aren’t a virgin.

(Just so we’re clear… Annaettette has been dead for 4,000 years, and she still knows that Molly’s business is ALL OVER THE STREET. That’s a sign you know you’ve been sleeping around too much, when even the dead know you’re easy.)

M: (undaunted by this assault upon her honor) “Let her go!”

A: Your mind is strong.

“Yeah, that’s what we’ve proven so far,” John nods.

But, Annetteette hasn’t bartered in 4000 years, and she cowers in the face of this intellectual assault. The mummies untie the 17 year old virgin (which Greg finds insanely funny, for some reason) Prof. UA throws a knife at Proto-Mark-Wahlberg —

AND HE TOTALLY “KURT RUSSELL TO DAVID LO-PAN AT THE CLIMAX OF BIG TROUBLE IN LITTLE CHINA’S” THE HELL OUT OF IT! (he catches the knife and hits the Prof. UA in the head, killing him, and losing the secret of the origin of his accent forever.)

17 year old and Molly have a conversation where they tell each other they love each other, presumably as the mummies are chasing after them. Perhaps the girls are locked in a “Who Can Die First?” race.
Claudia Lynx (as Annettette) is extremely beautiful, but has only two facial expression: Evil, and Bored. This can’t be stressed enough. She’s a gorgeous bored, but even she seems confused by the goings on around her, like the rest of us.

Exclamation Points Can Only Convey What Happens Next!!

A mummy knocks the dynamite out of Molly’s purse!

Annaettette shoots lighting around like Monster Zero!

She knocks out lead girl, messing up her glasses!

(There goes the “feminist invincible goddess invincible mummy” tag.)

Then, the greatest moment in movie history happens:

She grabs Proto-Mark-Wahlberg’s crotch, and yells: “VIRGIN!”

The mummies grab him and put him on the table to sacrifice him.

This exact scenario is the official nightmare of the states of: Missouri, Mississippi, Alaska, Texas, Florida, and the rotary club of Troy, Idaho.

Annette chokes the Molly – a mummy chews on a dude in a suit –

BOXLEITNER HAS A GUN! WHERE THE HELL DID HE COME FROM???

But, he dies. At least, that’s what we got from Greg’s Drunk Blog:

“NO, IONE GGOT BOXLIETNERIFROM THEIND!!! BEHIND! TERROR!!”

Annetteet grabs Molly – she yells: “FATHER!” to the demon voice in the background, which must belong to whatever Egyptian deity sings that “Oh Yeah” song from “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.”

Molly grabs the ankh-knife… and stabs Annettette in the chest, KILLING HER.

She turns ugly, screams, explodes, and dies. (Which, as we all know, is how Persians usually die.) All of the mummies turn into a bunch of rags an intern throws on the sister.

Proto-Mark Wahlberg is alive, disappointing us all.

RATING:
SCI-FI CHANNELNESS: 10 SyFys out of 10. This would only be more Sci-Fi Channel if it worked in Jason, Grant, ECW, and snakes.
NUMBER OF SHOTS NECESSARY TO ENJOY THIS: 2… 3 to be safe.
SNAKES: (a rating of how many snakes were in this movie. No Sci-Fi movie is complete without snakes.) A very disappointing “zero,” but you can argue that the acid that shoots out of the wall to hit the guy’s face in the very beginning acts like a snake.
MOMENTARY BLIP OF “AWESOME” If you’re ever looking for a guaranteed “Liven the Party Up” moment, grab a stranger’s crotch and yell: “VIRGIN!”
COULD YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS MAKE THIS MOVIE FOR FIFTY BUCKS? Doubtful. If you know someone as hot as Claudia Lynx, you probably don’t spend a lot of time on the internet.

WHAT WE LEARNED:

1. Persians are invincible, uncaring monsters that will kill all of us, and live where we least suspect it.
2. Hot women are invincible, uncaring monsters that will kill all of us, and live where we least suspect it.
3. The two of them, combined, can only be killed by the efforts of white people. And virginity.