THRILL… at the monster as it kills people! Allegedly, and mostly off-screen.

BE AMAZED… by our… value system…? What…?

“CARNY”

It’s hard to develop a code of conduct. It’s difficult to make a system of laws that everyone should live by. Moses had to wander for 40 years up a mountain, and even then, he only got it because God gave it to him in handy, easy-to-carry granite tablet form. The Athenians had to deal with an entire Persian army populated with creatures from the Axis chemical plant to develop their fledgling constitution. Hell, we wouldn’t even have our constitution here in America if not for the brave efforts of our Founding Fathers to continue writing the constitution even while their secret lair within the Liberty Bell were under attack by the Fire-Breathing Dixie Vampire-Zombies made of tobacco and slavery.

Luckily, here in America today, we don’t have to worry about. Because we have an exact system of morals to live by, that’s both infallible, and moral. It’s called “Carny” and it stars Lou Diamond Phillip’s inevitable creeping “silver fox” of grey hair.

We watched this movie as we do every week, drunk with the windows open. But this week, we tried to do with it a screen up, because nasty bugs get nastier when you get drunk. Trust us.

John Note: On further reflection, and not having had nearly enough to drink, I’m not sure this movie ACTUALLY takes place in Jersey (even with the Jersey Devil playing the role of the monster, yeah, WTF, I know), but Jersey really is an awful enough place that I don’t mind leaving the erroneous references.

—-

OUR FILM OPENS WITH… two old men at a carnival, arguing over the price of “a monster.” (We know it’s a monster, because there’s lots of left over dinosaur sounds from Jurassic Park lying around.) The Carnivale owner, (who resembled Rowdy Roddy Piper, if the Rowdy One had locked himself into a room after “They Live” and done nothing but eat Lady Fingers all day every day for eight hours day, 2nd Sunday of every month off) haggles with some dude over price.

His assistant, “Christopher Lloyd’s Strung Out Younger Brother” pay the man selling the monster something like 5,000 dollars, apparently in all tens, from what the camera shows us of the roll. How do people like this get a monster to sell? What’s the going rate on such a thing? Before we can get any nuts-and-bolts info on being a professional crazy person, Rowdy stabs/fists the seller in the back, and takes the monster and his own money back.

MORAL: IF YOU’RE SELLING A MONSTER, MAKE SURE YOU DON’T SELL IT TO AN EVEN BIGGER MONSTER. (Literally. If this guy had been in 80’s-90’s wrestling, they’d’ve had to give him a nickname like: “Canyon,” “Global Avalanche,” “How Green Was the Spandex Leotard That Was the Size of a Valley,” etc.

But, Christopher Lloyd’s Strung Out Younger Brother (CLSOYB… instead, let’s just call him “Lil’ Chris”) gets his eye ripped out by the monster, but manages to get a chain around it/himself long enough for the Rowdy one to pant heavily as we go to the title.

CARNY

Lou Diamond Phillips struts around a town that could only be called “Sadville” with the gait of a man who has starred in a real movie at some point in his life. He’s the Sheriff, the cop, the “One Figure Of Authority That Seems to Have Any Idea What’s Going On.” He checks in with his subordinate cop, Office Mustache McWhiny, who seems confused as to how a telephone from the 80’s works.

The LDP then takes a jaunt through the “freak show” itself that’s rolled into town, with a look on his face that very clearly says: “I Thought These Kinds of Things Stopped Going Through the Northeast Before I Was in La Bamba. By the Way, Did You Know I Was in La Bamba? Screw Esai Morales.”

Through point of view shots, we are introduced to the members of the freak show. Each carries a stronger “Yeah, Yeah, Get the Necessary Shots of Us So That We Can Go Back to Being in a Freak Show” look than the last.

A few kids whipping around fire barbs with spectacularly 80’s hair. (in fact, they’re doing it so non-chalantly, we began to wonder if their real “Freak Show” appeal was that he had Flock-of-Seagulls-esque hair going.)

Someone disturbing looking like Tom Green puts snakes/octopuses on leaf-less trees. (His freak show ability is “Artistic Littering”?)

Some bored people throw fire sticks around. A really-awesome looking dwarf with really-awesome punk hair works on a tent. (Can you imagine anything more “punk” than a really kick-ass dwarf band? The only thing more punk than that would’ve been if Sex Pistols played while tied up in the trunk of a ’79 Buick as it crashed into The Disney Store.)

The LDP gives this all the same bemused smile one would a bunch of middle-school boys that were mooning him: “Sure, You’re All Doing Something Crazy, But I’m Not Going to Dignify Your Shenani-freaks With Anything Less Than the Most Condescending Grin Imaginable.” Seriously. If condescension were energy, we could power a Midwestern town with Lou Diamond.

But then, he makes a fatal mistake so many of us do, and asks a nearby dwarf “Can I find the owner?” Of course, the dwarf has a conjoined twin attached/coming out of/hanging out on the other side of his face, and many awkward facial expressions (real and created) ensue.

BUT NEVER FEAR: There’s someone hot around! A girl, or woman, age is difficult, because the woman is given grey hair that’s probably not hers! She’s a fortune teller of some sort, as we’re to assume from her touching LDP’s arm and seeing various, shocking images of him covered in blood. (Maybe LDP is wearing “Axe?”)

One of the few things we’re sure about when you interact with women is that you don’t want them to associate you with a massacre/bloodbath/chaos, but some girls like the “bad boy.”

The Rowdy One paws at him for a moment, and breathes huskily in his direction. It’s supposed to be menacing, but it only sounds like he’s trying to come on to LDP after too much time on the treadmill. Mercifully, the scene ends before catching anymore shots of bored freaks.

——————–

In seemingly another movie, a preacher tells his son (????) to take down some posters of the Freak Show. The son is a disturbing hybrid of Mark Wahlberg and the “Ovaltine!” guy from Seinfeld, while we believe the preacher is listed in the credits as: “Brian Cox Wouldn’t Return Our Calls.”

They have a small contest: Can The Father Say More Disturbing Religious Fanatic Things Than His Son Can Give Smartass Smiles? It’s neck and neck, and the preacher declares it a draw by belching: “The town’s soul hangs in the balance,” before wandering off to pester someone else. His son does the only sane thing, and meets his Unimaginably Boring Friend to drink at a barn.

The pastor sets up a podium across the street from the Carnivale and looks like he’s about to start a game of Extreme Outdoor Winter Bingo, but then goes right into a speech that could be lifted from The Fire and Brimstone-o-matic app for your iPhone. Adding to the horror/awesomeness of this scene is the crowd of 30 thoroughly confused extras, who presumably (like the rest of us) are wondering why in our modern day 30 Jerseyites really care enough about the Freak Show coming through town to dress up and listen to someone’s granddad slur words at them.

The producers seem to be cognizant of this, as each of the preacher’s lines is only reacted to be one unfortunate black woman in the front row.

PREACHER (IN FRONT OF CROWD) – “Carnivale is bad, etc.!”

WOMAN: NOOOOO!

CROWD: (kind of around her, looking for craft services, possibly: bingo)

— It’s like the producers had shot the rest of the movie, and realized the closest they got to a person of color was the one white guy with a lot of tattoos.

PRODUCER 1: We need some minorities. Quick, call Dave’s mom. We’ll put her in the close-up in the crazy preacher scene.

PRODUCER 2: Um, sir, isn’t that a little bit racist to have one black character in the whole movie, and it’s someone that thinks we should murder a bunch of freaks?

PRODUCER 1: (leaves to go put even more time into Punk Dwarf’s hair.)

MORAL: IF YOU HAVE A GUY COVERED IN TATTOOS, SOME DUDE THAT’S 7 FEET TALL, AND A PUNK DWARF, YOU CAN PROBABLY FIND SOMEONE OF COLOR TO PUT IN YOUR MOVIE.

————————–

Also: don’t make the mistake we did. At this point, we through the movie was going to be about LDP and the Punk Dwarf coming together to fight the Rowdy One, the Jersey Devil, and evil everywhere. The only thing the Punk Dwarf did was disappear from our lives, leaving an incredibly-oddly shaped hole where he used to be.

MORAL: IF SOMETHING’S AWESOME, IT WILL NOT GET SCREEN TIME OVER SOMEONE THAT WAS IN A REAL MOVIE AT ONE POINT, INCLUDING THAT ONE WITH DENZEL AND MEG RYAN AND MATT DAMON’S TWO LINES AND TANKS.

————————–

MORAL: MONSTERS, YOU, AND DRINKING: MAYBE NOT SUCH A HOT IDEA AFTER ALL.

—it’s finally time to unveil the monster!

The entire town packs into a tent that must reek, whether from the monster or the town is unclear. The pastor’s son and his profoundly boring friend drink in line to go in, only to have their booze confiscated by LDP.

MORAL: LDP WILL RUIN YOUR PARTY, EVEN IF HE COMES DRESSED AS A COP.

“This is something so evil…” the Rowdy One gasps, waving his fingers in the general direction of the creature, underneath a tarp. The pastor’s son has apparently memorized the part of the Bible where you really piss the devil off by throwing popcorn at him, because he proceeds to do it multiple times even after being told not to by LDP.

(This sets him up for a wonderful: “I AM THE LAW” moment that never materializes. )

FINALLY, the devil has had enough of this tent, these people, the popcorn and ever Jersey, as he breaks through the invincible security force around him: a rusty cage, a metal spike, Rowdy One and Lil’ Chris. He reacts the way you’d expect, by jumping on a guy’s back, and dry humping a Ferris Wheel (seriously.) Several towns-people’s reaction shots later, (ranging from “ABJECT MORTAL TERROR” to “What IS That Thing Doing to the Ferris Wheel?”) the creature flies away, perhaps to do more unspeakable acts to private property.

————————–

The Pastor’s Son and His Boring Friend run back to the barn to hide and drink. (It’s unclear why they feel they have to do this: everyone else in town is either: part of the carnival; in a rally to shut down the Carnival, or working for Lou Diamond Phillips. Everyone in town must be a falling down DRUNK.)

– But, just as they start to get their load on, (and, perhaps, reveal some unspeakable feelings that must be spoken) the monster saves them the most awkward conversation of their lives by eating the Pastor’s Son underneath a bridge. His Boring Friends stumbles away as slowly as possible, as if hurt that the monster won’t eat him. He must be so boring as to be unappetizing, like unsalted Saltines.

MORAL: IF YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE, TELL THEM. YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN ONE OF YOU MAY GET EATEN BY A MONSTER WHILE TRYING TO GET DRUNK.

(NOTE: This one hit so close to home, we closed the windows.)

————————–

UH OH: Lou Diamond Phillips finds a Rotisserie Chicken leg in the river, as well as red Kool-Aid someone dumped, which can mean only one thing:

It’s time for him to Put His Police Voice On and Say Things Like: “He’s Been Eaten!”

Officer Mustache stops by to stare at a notepad instead of acting with LDP. Just when it looks like one of them will have to carry what remains of the story, Preacher shows up to shout clichés in everyone’s face. “IF YOU LISTENED TO ME, AND HEEDED MY WORDS! I TOLD YOU THEY’D BRING THE DEVIL AND THEY WILL PAY!” (Ironically, we said the same thing to our local rental movie place when Blockbuster came to town, but we weren’t wearing priest suits at the time.)

MORAL: RELIGIOUS FANATICS ARE OKAY, REGULAR PEOPLE! AND IF YOU LISTEN TO THEIR DRACONIAN DRACONIANESS, YOU’D HAVE A MUCH NICER CITY, SHERIFF LA BAMBA. *

*only applies if said religious fanatics are white.

——————————————–

The oddly brittle mother of Boring Friend drives him through what’s presumably the Pine Barrens. She says over and over how much she loves him, but he’s still got blood stains on his face. (We think that’s actually the Golden Rule of Motherhood: “You Must Wipe Blood Off Of Your Child’s Face.”)

But, before she can tell him again how much she doesn’t like his friends – (giving him the chance to respond with the excellent: “Mom, he’s just been eaten! Lay off!”) the Jersey Devil rips through their windshield, and drags him out!

She screams as the Creature… presumably rips him apart off screen, then drops him on their car. Mercifully, (for us, as her voice blew out our syllables and almost lifted us from our blessed drunken stupor) the monster carried her away, too – almost as a “Thanks, Folks, For Watching the Film!”

(Maybe, the creature looked around the rest of town, realized the other people were even more boring, and decided to eat that dude, too.)

MORAL: DON’T EVER LOVE ANYONE, EVER. YOU DON’T KNOW WHEN THEY’LL BE EATEN BY A MONSTER. IT COULD EVEN BE AT A TRAFFIC LIGHT.

———————

LDP rounds up the militia in his office!

Thirty extras with as much flannel as shotguns cheer at the thought of running around their town with extra-legal authority. Also: Rottweilers.

DOUBLE MORAL:

1. THE MILITIA CAN HELP YOU IF YOU HAVE TO KILL SOMETHING, BUT YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THEIR DOG CRAPPING IN YOUR OFFICE. FIGURATIVELY, AND LITERALLY.

2. IF YOU SEE A BUNCH OF GUYS WITH FLANNELS, AND SHOTGUNS, EVEN IF YOU AREN’T A MONSTER, JUST TO BE SAFE: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN

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The Preacher shouts at his army of Righteous Geriatrics to “Join the battle between Good and Evil!’ The One-Black-Person-In-The-World cheers lustily.

The militia guys storm into the pine barrens! LDP and guns and white anger in tow. However, Militia Dude With More Than One Line wonders if his pooch can kill an entire mythological beast, and shortens the leash a little bit.

Meanwhile, Rowdy One and Lil’Chris stumble through the pine barrens, guns in hand. We’re rooting for a “Reservoir Dogs-like” ending where everyone’s got guns pointed at everyone else.

LDP, (perhaps realizing that “Not Being Around Crazy Militia Dudes With Guns” is the better part of valor) goes off alone with Officer Mustache. BUT, just when they think they’re safe, he’s hit by a stray shot from Lil’ Chris!

LDP is a different kind of cop, the kind of cop you can go up to and say: “I didn’t mean to shoot your partner, I thought he was a monster,” and it’s totally cool.

MORAL: IF YOU HAVE A MUSTACHE, YOU’RE FAIR GAME TO BE SHOT AT.

LDP sees the Ferris Wheel in the distance, and buys a load of crap from the Rowdy One about: “You have to go save the people at the place we just were from the monster that isn’t even here yet.” LDP’s a REALLY different kind of cop, and leaves Officer Mustache with the guys who just shot him.

Even Rowdy One and Lil Chris are stunned by this. (Even though, presumably, they read/there was a script for this movie, they are shocked.)

Seeing LDP’s stupidity, and wanting to raise him, the Rowdy One stabs Officer Mustache in the back with a tranquilizer.

Not once, but the FDA recommended number of times you stab a cop in the back with a tranquilizer: at least thirty times.

MORAL: IF YOU’RE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE THAT WILL GET YOU INTO ALL KINDS OF TROUBLE, JUST KEEP STABBING THE HELL OUT OF THEM. I MEAN, WHY NOT? IT’S LIKE STRETCHING BEFORE WORKING OUT.

The two cop-killers/carnies dive behind a log, to see if the monster will arrive and enjoy the cop offering they left him. But, he must have an allergy to mustache (or, a female monster/coy Ferris wheel dumped him at a mustache buffet, leaving mustache stew a bitter dish indeed) because he doesn’t show.

LDP DOES, though, and shows how different a cop he is. He comes into the scene, and sees:

His partner, dead.

The only people in the area are the ones who shot him only minutes ago.

So what does LDP do?

What any cop would do:

When The Rowdy One says: “He was like this when we found him, five minutes ago.”

LDP nods and believes it.

(Maybe this entire town is governed by the Honor System?)

LDP looks back up at the Ferris Wheel, and realizes that he said he’d do something a few minutes ago. He runs with Rowdy One and Lil’ Chris (well, he runs. The others jog until he isn’t looking, then they walk) back to the carnival.

WHERE HELL HAS MORE OR LESS BROKEN LOOSE, A LITTLE.

The Jersey Devil is back, showing the Ferris Wheel that he’s changed and not going to take “No” or “We Can’t Be Together Because I’m a Prop and You’re a Bad Special Effect” as an answer, babe. Lots of smoke and embarrassing reaction shots to things the Devil presumably did later, LDP looks around for who got hurt, and doesn’t stop until he finds someone with a good body, like the Leopard Girl.

“WHAT ABOUT THE PUNK DWARF?” we scream, but, like the siren call of young love, it goes unanswered.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!” LDP exclaims, letting us know once and for all where he is on the whole “furry” thing. Psychic girl is rousted from whatever bar she’s been at to give a half-hearted: ‘What Have You Done?” (perhaps someone told her: “You Know, LDP Is Actually the Monster Here. No, Really. Here’s Five Bucks.”)

And then, in the greatest reaction shot in the history of human reactions, the Rowdy One and Lil’ Chris stare disappointingly at LDP.

Just to clarify, the men that just stabbed a cop to death are judging LDP.

MORAL: MORALITY IS APPARENTLY FOR OTHER PEOPLE.

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Before you can say: Is The Fat Guy Making Moonshine, Monster-Killing Juice, or Both? The Rowdy One and Lil’ Chris go back into the woods, pursuing the strategy of trying to find the monster by going to the one place they haven’t encountered him.

But, all good friendships go south occasionally, and brothers fight – which is shown by the Rowdy One stabbing Lil’ Chris in the chest, and tying him to a tree.

Then, the Rowdy One lies in wait for the monster… which is directly behind him. It lands, it growls, it does a little dance… short of singing “My Heart Will Go On” in Monsterese or farting melodiously, there’s no way the Rowdy One couldn’t hear him.

MEANWHILE: LDP examines Officer Mustache’s body at the morgue, and after a hilarious five minute scene, involving scales, scalpels, X-rays and concerned chin-rubbing, he determines that the Jersey Devil wouldn’t have stabbed him thirty times in the back with a tranquilizer gun! It’s a scene almost makes you wish he’d put on sunglasses as the Who plays loudly.

BUT, the Rowdy One is still on a stump, as the mythological beast that’s eaten several people today is directly behind him.

MORAL: IF YOU BECOME TOO EVIL, YOU APPARENTLY LOSE YOUR SENSE OF SMELL.

Luckily, LDP arrives to punch a pint of blood out of his face before the monster can eat him.

AT THE JAIL CELL: LDP moralizes to the Rowdy One as he shoves him into a holding cell that looks like it’s made out of a mean kind of balsa wood. But, in a “Dueling Banjos” of lame moralizing, the Preacher shows up to live many a child’s dream: he hits LDP in the face, and throws him into another, equally Barbie’s Dream House-looking jail cell.

Then, LDP gets a well-deserved nap as the Preacher and The Rowdy One argue/wheeze morality for a while.

MORAL: MOVIES ARE RARELY ABOUT WHAT MAKES THEM GOOD. “CARNY” IS APPARENTLY ABOUT TWO WHITE MEN ARGUING. (We call this “The Matrix Reloaded Rule.”)

But, before you can complain too loudly, the Preacher quotes a part of the bible we’re all a little unfamiliar with, and cuts the Rowdy One’s tongue out. No, really. It pops out of his mouth like an over-filled water balloon. While he screams and we cringe, the Preacher is either going to shoot him with a shotgun or rig up a Jigsaw-like device: “The Devil Has Sent You to Hell—!”

And finally hitting his cue, the Jersey Devil BLOWS IN through the windows, knocking everyone back, including the three of us on our couch. (But not LDP. He’s still out, presumably dreaming of that 2nd season of Wolf Lake that never came.)

The Jersey Devil remembers the low price the Rowdy One got for him, and goes to discuss it with him in his cell. The conversation is short-lived: the Rowdy One has no tongue, so the Jersey Devil eats him. The Preacher, showing a hitherto unseen survival instinct, locks the monster in the jail cell and shoots the hell out of it.

Did we say “Shoots the hell out of it”? We meant: “He grabs some stupid bows and stabs it… in the face or hip or something.” But, the Jersey Devil didn’t anticipate a stupid attack, and obligingly dies.

MORAL: IF YOU DON’T LIKE SOMEONE, WAIT TILL THEY GO TO JAIL. THEN, SHOW UP, KNOCK OUT A COP, AND RIP OUT THE PERSON’S TONGUE. YOU CAN THEN SAVE THE DAY! WOOOOT!

Then, he goes out on the porch to rally the militia, which apparently had nowhere else to go. (Maybe the monster attacked the Wal-Mart earlier?) They’re here to look concerned and confused, which they succeed at admirably. But, they must have a brain cell or two to rub together (perhaps they found one lying around today in the carnage and slid it in) because even they don’t believe the old man when he says “I have slain the monster.” But, after checking the corpse in the jail and realizing that “I have slain the monster” is not slang for an unspeakably dirty sexual act, they celebrate by shooting guns in the air and smiling at each other and their dogs.

The Preacher wants to make this a crazy-crazy party up in here, and says we gotta go kill the carnival freaks. The Flannel Army is nodding at the awesomeness of this full-proof plan, realizing that anyone who hasn’t thought to wipe monster blood off of their face is a Dude That Knows What’s Going On. While this profound jackassery occurs, a couple of guys in hats larger than their chests carry the monster out in a tarp.

PREACHER: “Burn the heathens (in the freak show) boys! Let’s have a barbecue!”

MORAL: EVEN IF IT DOESN’T INVOLVE THE MAFIA, DON’T GO TO JERSEY. *

*Unless you’re at a house party in Philly and run out of liquor.

The men pose for pictures with the monster in the tarp.

MORAL: POSING FOR PICTURES IS A SURE WAY TO DIE. (God, what a tragedy senior photo day was.)

The monster’s tired of being in this movie, and has to get to the club later, so he pops out of the truck and kills whoever’s nearby, which consist of our Preacher dude. The Preacher lets out a meek: “I… I Sent You to Hell…?” before holding his hands out to the sky. He’s either calling on God, or trying to “hug-it-out” with the monster.

But the monster is tired of Hollywood interaction, “Entourage” jokes in general, and maybe even Jeremy Piven as it eats the Preacher.

Finally, enough people have died to wake up LDP, who finds he’s been locked in… the gun closet. He shoots the jail cell with a shotgun and it opens easily.

MORAL: PLEASE DON’T ACTUALLY TRY THAT.

He runs through unconvincing puddles of friends, and lots of hurt, wounded and scared people. BUT, LDP knows what matters. He yells for the hottie Psychic TWICE, before throwing out: “Everybody!” (as in: “Maybe Some Others Of You Ugly People Got Hot Enough to Save While I Was Unconscious.”)

He grabs a gun that was on fire, and burns his hand. Then, he grabs a chair that was on fire, and burns his head. (Maybe the Jersey Devil is controlled by Sideshow Mel?) And then, through circumstances too embarrassing to be recounted, he pins the monster with his truck against the monster’s one true love… the Ferris Wheel.

Finding this not enough, LDP hits the monster AGAIN with the truck, to which it reacts badly.

But, it’s not dead, so LDP yells: “DIE!” and floors it again… causing the Ferris Wheel to fall… towards LDP and the devil, in a: “You Don’t Mean Anything to Me, Physics!” moment.

One half-assed explosion later, the hot Psychic finds… Lou Diamond Phillips… impaled on Ferris Wheel next to the truck. Since none of that makes any sense, we speculated:

The Ferris Wheel finally realized it’s feelings for the Devil. So, it impaled LDP, and dragged him out of the truck. (That sure makes more sense than anything the movie gave us.)

Just when you think the hot psychic’s going to drag him away, LDP blurts a: “I Did What I Had To,” and dies, perhaps responding to whatever fans he has left out there.

The movie ends with a profoundly bitter taste in our mouths, that can’t be all Miller Lite Chill (but probably is, mostly.)

RATINGS:

SCI-FI CHANNELNESS: 4/10 While obviously made for the network, some of the shots were well-lit. So, no.

SNAKES/C. THOMAS HOWELL: Yes to the former: there was one snake in the freak show. Even he had the class to stay away from the rest of the movie.

MOMENTARY BLIP OF AWESOME: Ahem. PUNK GODDAMN DWARF

COULD YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS MAKE THIS FOR FIFTY BUCKS: If you had friends that had a freak show, you could get shockingly close. You probably couldn’t do all the tom-assery with the “Ferris Wheel” and the “Cutting out of tongues” and “killing our hero by the truck for some damn reason” but, geez… why would you?

WHAT WE LEARNED:

Religious Fanatics

Boo: Regular People

How the hell was a movie called “Carny” not about… you know, an evil Carny that kills people?

The next time your mother gets on you about your friends, say: “But Mom, he was just eaten!” to see how she reacts.

Ferris Wheels are fickle lovers.