Every week, Greg and Emmett try to show John just how utterly fantastic-mega-awesome Ghost Hunters is. And each week, he lists what ways he’d rather kill himself than watch the show (this week, he mentioned “decapitation” and “steel wool.”)

SO, once Greg’s seen the “reveal” of the show off the new DVR, (for you astute, long-time followers out there who remember that Greg can’t get through an entire episode, he can do it in pieces. With a blanket around him. And milk. And sometimes booze in the milk. And it being noon.) Emmett and Greg sit down with John to try and show him how he’s missing the best part of life, and if he doesn’t like Ghost Hunters, he should otherwise die.

This is the “BitN Findings Review” for the Season 5 mid-season finale of Ghost Hunters, “Garden State Asylum.” Because there’s no better way to review something than to see it heavily edited, months later, and thousands of miles away.

FINDING 1:  In the tunnel, Jason and Grant get an interesting, strange hit on the “thermal-imaging camera” – a figure that seems to either step behind, or in front of something, further down the hall.

GREG: Jason and Grant’s bravery is always astounding. They stared the ghost down, and with just one well-placed “What’s That’s, Down That Way? I Think It’s Something,” they told that ghost: “No, we aren’t going anywhere. You’re going to have to deal with us. This is our tunnel now, you’re just dead in it.” Yeah. Jason and Grant looking at that spirit is the very marrow of life, it’s what the Greeks meant when they said “ambrosia,” or would’ve meant, if they weren’t talking about food.

JOHN: I have to admit, that was kinda cool, but I also wonder about the efficacy of thermal imaging in capturing spirits.  I mean, no one ever reports “warm spots” when it’s a ghost, right?  So what if this is just some camera dude behind a wall?

EMMETT: My research says that Richard Gilrod was admitted to Essex County Asylum in 1900, the five year anniversary. He choked his uncle and dog to death with a poisonous soufflé, somehow. Allegedly, he yelled: “these are hell fresh eggs, fresh from hell.” So, maybe… he came back as a yellow blob?

JOHN: Emmett, it’s yellow because it’s creating a picture of heat.

EMMETT: …yeah, I don’t know then.

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FINDING 2:  EVP

From

http://www.scifi.com/ghosthunters/episodes/episodes.php?seas=5&ep=0508&act=1

Joe and Britt’s recorder picked up a voice that sounded like it was saying “children.” And while Dave and Steve were boxed in the freezers in the morgue a voice was recorded saying, “he’s here”

GREG: The ghosts know who they’re talking about here. And that’s even after being dead, and insane. (Well, reverse that, in order.) “Children,” Joe and Britt hear. Damn right. We’re all children, no matter how dead and insane we are, when they’re around. Or maybe, the ghosts meant: “Hide the ghost children when these guys are around. Because they’re real ass-kickers. Did you see when the British guy wore the helmet?” Sometimes, I swear ghosts hide from TAPS because TAPS is just too scary. Anyway, “he’s here” is obviously a reference to Jason and/or Grant, who the ghost knows are bad ghost news even when they’re 365 acres away. The part the camera probably didn’t pick up was: “He’s here. Let’s us ghosts hide here in the morgue with Tango and the Big Tattoo’ed Guy from Battlestar Galactica, who isn’t really from Battlestar Galactica, but really isn’t that tough, either.”

JOHN: Remember that time I took a shower and you thought it was a ghostly choir singing, but it was just the shitty piping in the apartment?  This is like that.

EMMETT: My research shows that John can be an asshole. I mean, ahem, that “Children” was a popular code phrase among the nurses/guards at Essex County, at the turn of the last century. It could mean: “Someone Made a Bad Mess I Don’t Want to Clean,” or even: “There’s An Actual Child In Here. Help Me Find Them Before They’re Eaten.” Either or any answer was used. This is Jersey.

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FINDING 3: A DV camera was left, firmly attached to a tripod in one of the many buildings. But the camera is found later on the floor. The footage shows the camera was lifted into the air, held for a second in mid-air, and dropped onto the ground.

GREG: Ghost Hunters is the toughest crew on the air. How tough are they? Even the camera is tough. Even the camera won’t take any ghost crap (which is awful, by the way.) Even the camera’s like: “No, ghost. You can’t even drop me right. And I’m a camera.” The camera’s pretty brave, it’s hard not to admire it. We could all learn a little something from that camera.

JOHN: This happened multiple times on our show.  Every time you try to convince me it’s a ghost.  Every time, it’s one of you tripping or deliberately picking up the camera and dropping it to try to convince me it’s a ghost.  Ooh, scary.

Folks, the next time you knock something over by accident, and it falls on the ground and you look bad… just tell people that a ghost did it.

EMMETT: My research shows that the most likely explanation was, a ghost wanted to film what the afterlife/Jersey were like once you’re dead. So, the ghost lifted it off the tripod, but got frustrated when it didn’t lift off the tripod because those things are hard to work if you’re alive, even. Thus frustrated, the ghost remembered that it was completely insane, but not before it held the camera in the air for a moment. There are other scenarios, but they’re so much less likely as to not be worth mentioning. Like the one with the Kleptomaniac Ghost and the Lollipops. That one’s just stupid.

JOHN’S FINAL JUDGEMENT ON THIS EPISODE OF GHOST HUNTERS:

JOHN: … I wish you guys would let me just watch “Chuck” in peace.