A scientist creates a spectacular serum that will allow a human being to heal any injury (that a low budget movie could afford) provided they eat a blue goop called “Metaprotein.” (“Super Vitamin,” “Fire Flower” and “Awesome Yes Juice” might’ve been over the top, we guess.) They’ll “turn into” whatever they eat, so the point is to eat this mega-crap, as opposed to like… food? This part’s unclear, and from the cutaways to screaming monster in the opening credits, we doubt “How This Would Work If Everything Goes Right!” is exactly relevant.

For whatever reason (excessive baldness?) he can’t get anyone to fund his juice (maybe he was bootlegging it?) so he is supposed to get a few million from eccentric billionaire Liverspot McYouKnowHe’sMessedUpBecauseHe’sInaWheelchair and his shadowy, shadowy agents: “Woody Harrellson’s More Responsible Looking Cousin” and “Female Operative Apparently Too Evil to Brush Her Hair” respectively.

Liverspot will give our intrepid half-smart scientist enough money to pay for his wife’s Leukemia, provided the invincible blue goop works. (One would argue that if a scientist were able to create a “Restore Everything” juice, he could help a little bit with his own wife’s Leukemia. Isn’t that sort of like a veterinarian with an old Basset who’s like: “I made this awesome juice for healing every problem with Beagles! If only someone could give me enough money to help my Basset…” But we digress.)

Liverspot has a dastardly and less-than-genius idea: have his agents shoot/beatup/laugh at the scientist, then lock him underneath an abandoned hospital. Oh, and shoot him up with his own blue goop to see if it works. (Strapping the scientist to a table and blue-gooping him up would probably be too much work. Besides: there’d be no shooting him in the legs!)

SPECIAL NOTE: this idea came in 2^nd place at the 2009 North American Bad Ideas Convention, narrowly losing on the 3^rd ballot to the shoulder-mounted-shower-toaster.

Our scientist gets out a couple: “NO!”’s as he’s locked in, having realized that in his rush to create “death-defying” technology, he forgot about “locked-door-opening” technology.

– And then, the movie cuts to Tom Sizemore doing community service work with his niece.

No, really.

That’s what it seems like.

Anyone who tells us this was scripted, or not real, that’s non-sense. Maybe the rest of the movie was made up, but many of Mr. Sizemore’s scenes appear to have been filmed around his own life: community service, nervous family members, menial work, underground tunnels, and running from monsters. That’s a solid Sizemore Saturday night.

Tom Sizemore’s crack team is:

Knowledgeable (and Potential-to-Die-At-Any-Moment) Black Friend.

Virginal, yet ‘tudinally inclined niece.

And a teen guy who’s hair is so emo you can only see it on your TV if you’re wearing a lot of eyeliner.

Tom Sizemore hatches his own brilliant idea, he knows of an abandoned hospital nearby where “there may be some medical supplies we can take, after we clean it up.” Seduced by the fast, easy money of the tongue depressors and cotton balls game, they rush to the hospital.

In case you find that scene/what’s become of Tom Sizemore’s life too depressing, the film intercuts the scene with the scientist eating a rat.

He begins to yell and presumably mutate, possibly into a rat. We are, however, a hundred percent sure he will not be mutating into a better actor. Although, not even Olivier in his prime could’ve pulled off the line: “My wife! I failed you!” while eating a rat. Although, granted, that would’ve helped Henry V tremendously.

At the hospital, Tom Sizemore takes his charges into the tunnels, while the Bad Patrol arrives concurrently. The Not-Quite-Ready-For-The-Matrix Agents are sent in by Sir Liverspot to “find the scientist, or his body,” but the only firm thing they can track down is their own failure. Unbelievably, this air-tight plan took on a little water.

Maximum Liverspotus’s make-up is so bad, you’re waiting for one of the other characters to reference it. Like, Female Death Woman-Bitch Monster Agent is going to say: “He’s faking! I think he already ate the blue goop, and then wolfed down some liver and Saran wrap, hence his face!” (And while you may think that’s comedic exaggeration, she really does look like the kind of person who would say “hence” in conversation.)

This make-up is poorer than the age make-up at the end of one of the scariest horror films of the past decade, “A Beautiful Mind,” in that scene by the end when Zombie Russell Crowe$ terrorizes Princeton, and the other professors stop him the only way they can, by hitting him with his one weakness: magical pencils placed in front of him.

In the tunnels, Tom Sizemore and Friends give us an example of a staple of cheap horror: “Creepy-Walking.” You save some money in horror by having your characters walk slowly through a dangerous place. The audience thinks something might happen, despite the fact you’re much too poor for anything to. Sizemore and Co. give a master class in this, even going so far as to intersperse it with some “banter.” (If there was an “Inside the Actors’ Studio” for bad horror movies, this is how they’d talk. Also: someone get on that idea.)

But, just when the walking crosses that thin but tangible line from “sorta creepy” to “seriously, someone die,” sunlight breaks through the gloom as “My Hair is Too Dramatic For Your Love, But Worships Your Pity” Boy is attacked.

But, alas! Not by the most overeducated rat monster (insert a “your least favorite university here” joke.) But instead, a Jamaican homeless man.

He’s Jamaican. Jamaican. He makes Dee Jay look like M. Bison at a Garth Brooks concert. He’s so Jamaican, his accent suggests he entered the tunnels smoking a joint, while sitting on a larger joint, on top of a sled from “Cool Runnings,” that has an engine shaped like a joint that’s powered by marijuana, Bob Marley, and The Willingness to Actually Grow Dreadlocks.

He makes queasy racial stereotypes queasily embarrassed. Robin Williams’ friends from “Club Paradise” or whatever would be like: “Hmmm… this guy’s a bit much.”

— The scientist is officially a “rat man” now, if the large red foot stepping into a puddle is any indication. A lot you can tell about an actor by the acting choices he makes for a monster. Freddy Krueger (as played by the great Robert Englund) is a perpetual threatening sneer. Jason Vorhees is the stoic, inevitable force of death. The zombies in 28 Days Later would’ve been great on special teams.

Rat Scientist skips.

He hops through the underworld. He has a twinkle in his step. It’d be adorable if he weren’t a rat-man killing machine; and yet it’s far more adorable than anything you might think a rat-man killing machine could do. It’d be like if the devil gave you a teddy bear, and took you out for a sundae, before ripping out your spine like a wobbly staple.

– Before too long, the Rat Man, despite being the villain, tries to get the audience to like him by slashing “My Hair of a Vortex of the Depths of My Soul, Did I Tell You I Dyed It?” Boy to a merciful, gentler than we all thought was coming death. Upon finding the body, Tom Sizemore is enraged, and his facial expression suggests he may steal the Rat Man’s cell phone until one of them is dead.

Tom and co. are now… locked in the tunnel, (we think the agents did it…?) and the agents come upon them, while searching for the monster. And they make the tough moral call upon finding Tom Sizemore than that’s actually a worse monster out there…

… it’s at this moment that we should mention that “Drunk-Blogging” is an inexact science, hence the words “Drunk” and “Blogging.” There come times when your memory, your recollection, and possibly even your alcohol conspire against you remembering every damn detail. All we know is, by the time we looked back up, Woody Harrellson’s missing relative was dead, and we were reasonably sure that the three of us watching at home didn’t do it. Our livenotes at the time were no help:

“B LUE LIGHTS IN THE IVS AND A GLOWSTICK/RURANIUM/SOMETHING OF OTHER (she’s starring at his nick)”

… which doesn’t exactly provide context.

Perhaps the mystery is to be savored?

So, much like they probably said during this movie when they realized what it was they were making: “The show must go on…”

Realizing that there are only a few here in the tunnel and one of them is a killer rat scientist monster, Tom Sizemore realizes “Not Being That Stupid” is the better part of morality, and works with Agent If-The-Worst-Nun-Ever-Worked-For-MI-5 to get to the surface. But, while Smart Black Friend and Saint Teen of Arc are excited to be in the company of someone who actually owns a suit, Tom Sizemore rubs together the two remaining brain cells he has (or, he just takes the one brain cell and folds it on itself) and realizes that Agent Doom Mother will kill them herself before she lets them out. (Yes, you have our permission to call your band “Agent Doom Mother.” But only if you call the 2^nd album: “Down With the Doom Brood.”)

She tells them that she’s here from the government, ready to take rock-tastic blue goop to the government to make the always-good-for-giving-your-shadowy-characters-a-reason-to-do-malicious-science-nonsense: “Super Soldiers.”

“Imagine! Fighting the war on terror with real human beings thousands of miles away! No American troops would have to die ever again!” NOTE: All quotations of dialogue should be taken with a big container of salt. Remembering dialogue from one of these movies while you’re drinking is like playing telephone, only the person on the other end is vomiting into your ear.

She goes on to say that they were “Just watching” Old Man Liverspot, perhaps just wanting to see what the government could learn from the “Shoot the Scientist Who Made the Secret of Life in the Legs and Lock Him In the Tunnel” line of thought. Tom Sizemore drums up what talent remains and puts out that he was: “tortured in ‘Nam for two years.”

(God, how much better would this movie have been if it: “Senator John McCain fights a rat monster underneath an abandoned hospital”?)

Mr. Sizemore points out that: “the government better hope that it and we all die down here, because even this administration couldn’t spin this away.” We weren’t exactly sure what to make of this. Was this another cheap, lazy shot at President Bush’s “Let’s Make Rat People Out of Tax Cuts” program, or, does “Change You Can Believe In” really mean “Change (Into Human-Rat Monsters) You Can Believe In”? See, a great movie keeps it’s political views hidden.

Upstairs, Liverspot’s mostly forgotten bodyguard, Asian Ryan Reynolds, has a knife fight with the rat monster that’s so embarrassing the knives have been forced to apologize to utensils everywhere.

Liverspot calls Our Girl Megabitch only to have the unwelcome surprise of having Tom Sizemore sweatily wheeze into the phone. For a scene that’s supposed to be funny and yet, elicits more horror than the rest of the film so far, Mr. Sizemore tries to get fifty million dollars from Liverspot to come up stairs and save Liverspot’s life from the monster. Liverspot tries to negotiate down as he watches the rat monster confuse his body guard with the actual Ryan Reynolds, and casually rip the well-built Asian man’s head off.

Tom Sizemore is about to close his biggest deal since that one episode of “Southland” for 35 million dollars when the Saintly, Good, Virginal Teen shouts out: “GO FOR 40 MILLION!”

It’s an empowering moment, as it shows that little girls can become callous and greedy in the course of just one day, (and, granted, prolonged exposure to Tom Sizemore.)

But Rat Man is not a fan of feminism, and kills Liverspot before anyone can call their attorneys. Our crew takes a deep breath, and tries to remember their lines as they come upstairs.

Tom Sizemore stumbles in the direction of the monster, and this provides enough of a distraction for Hey, Remember the Black Guy in This Movie? And Formerly-Saint-Teen-Now-Georgina-Gekko to escape/run outside. Malificient-The-Middle-Aged-Woman-of-Vengeance celebrates by getting enough C-4 out of Liverspot’s limo to blow up half of the solar system.

She and Big Time Tom Sizemore run back downstairs to “The One Tunnel Set We Have.” The monster chases them, skipping in inhuman rage. But, in another not-so-great moment for feminism, Special Agent Woman Code Name: “Denata” (who has killed people, and exhibited nothing but icy composure, a rarity here) is ready fight the monster….

… when she slips on her dead partner’s blood, and breaks her leg.

This would be like if Jason Voorhees were chasing a kid on a dock, tripped on a paddle, hit his head, and drowned in Crystal Lake while the counselors mooned him. Or if Luke Skywalker stubbed his foot on the Millennium Falcon’s stairs, and died of The Dark Side of Turf Toe.

But, she has enough wherewithal to realize anywhere this ugly really should be blown up, and helps Tom set up bombs. In a truly touching moment, Agent “Evil is Sexy, Right?” realizes what the world would be without Tom Sizemore, and then does the truly evil thing, and lets him go without killing him.

Tom waddles away as the monster hops his way to Rue McClanahan of Death. Perhaps fearing a monologue from her, he rips off her jaw.

In a race that makes one miss the quiet dignity of a sack race, Tom tries to lurch and stumble away from the hopping/skipping/almost prancing hellbeast.

— But he cannot. Just when it looks like it’s curtains for “The Bad Guy From Paparazzi: The Movie,” Black Dude of Wit and Super Niece show up with a chainsaw.

The Rat Monster is kind enough to let her get her “I Chainsawed a Bi-ped to Death” brownie badge.

Tom and her bask in the after glow absolutely covered in monster blood. (It’s touching. And vomitable.)

But, as the moon must break the day, Tom Sizemore sees the only thing that could break up a family bonding moment… the C-4 he set only moments ago.

STRIKE THROUGH THIS NEXT SENTENCE:

He quickly grabs his niece and they run outside—

No.

They stare at the timer as it ticks… down… 5…4…3…2…1….

He grabs the time, rips it off the wall, and cuts the red, no! The blue cord! Stopping it at half a second!

He jumps on his niece, giving her cover, and they dive out of the tunnel in time -

– Nah. The just blow up.

It’s AWESOME. With a capital “Me” and “Aw!”

— Tom Sizemore wakes up in a hospital bed, possibly trying to remember the name of the one not-crappy public defender. But, alas, Dr. Twist Ending arrives to tell him that he and his niece were covered in so much monster blood that they’re now infected, are on an army base, and will be super soldiers. Or, at least, two people you don’t want to be locked in a tunnel with when they’re shot in the legs and the rats come by to say hi.

The movie ends as many of Sizemore’s nights do: him screaming “NO!” as a foreign substance is pumped through his veins by an IV.

RATINGS:

9/10 SYFYS: Goofy monster? Check. Rich evil Guy? Oh yes. Ridiculous plot to justify the one set we have? You betcha. Government operatives known as that by them wearing suits? Of course! It’s only missing…

SNAKES/C. THOMAS HOWELL: But… a rat is eaten. That’s gotta count for like, half a snake.

MOMENTARY BLIP OF AWESOME: Tom Sizemore and his niece blowing up. We really did, no-lies, applaud. 1^st time we’ve done that here since Annettet showed up.

COULD YOU MAKE THIS WITH YOUR FRIENDS FOR 50 BUCKS? In all likelihood. If you had a tunnel, some pals, and Tom Sizemore. And really, you don’t need him. Anyone from Gary Busey to Jason Hawes could play that part. In fact, make that movie. Please.

WHAT WE LEARNED:

Even if you have a horrible, fatal, science-created hunger, it’s never a good idea to eat a rat.

Women can be anything! The Teen girl shows all the things a woman can be: she’s innocent and smart, and then, she’s a greedy, blood-thirsty/chainsaw-equipped killer, and finally, she’s an invincible, possibly-cannibalistic super soldier. Ladies, never settle for second best.

It’s a real “coming-of-age” story, and would’ve been a great addition to The Sisterhood of the Traveling Boredom:

JOAN OF ARCADIA: Why did you chainsaw Ugly Betty to death?

LORELEI: Give me forty million! I know Dr. Jacobi has it!

Speaking of “women-doing-well-and-no-bad-things-happening-to-them” movies, “The Descent” is this week’s Sci-Fi channel movie, which means they’ll be no reviews as that is an exceptional horror movie that is absolutely worth your time. (Like, seriously. We might watch it sober, if only it weren’t so damn scary.)

In fact, there might be a couple weeks without another one of these as we take the format into the shop to tinker with it. If you have a suggestion of a movie you’d like to see/read us watch in our horrible fashion, please send it.

It’s good to know, on a morning you wake up face first in something and hope it’s soup, that there’s a world out there. Goodnight!