THE GHOST HUNTER’S GUIDE TO: SOCKS

Socks.

We’ve all thought about them. At least once.

Ever since that fateful day in ancient Egypt when Pharaoh Ramses II declared: “You now how we Egyptians are always burning our feet on the sand? Well, my good buddy Osiris has got a plan for that… we’re callin’ it SOCKS! Because “Sphrinx” is already taken. Now you slaves, back to work with this huge triangle…”

People have been wearing socks. But, you’re a ghost hunter, so how are you supposed to feel about socks?

ODE TO SOCKS:

“Though it may art not, let these odors of my feet be Earthly in origin.

If they art not,

then let the demons be driven from my toes.

Let this door that removes all language speechless save the dark poetry of disgust, terror and “What Did You DO With Your Feet?” be crushed neath my heal: literally, figuratively, and allerally. (EDIT NOTE: The only translation we had said “Allerally.” A little help, anybody?)

Let me remember to cut my toenails BEFORE I’m in a social situation. And smite all non-believers. Amen.”

– (Gnostic Gospel, “The Book of Pasquale,” Letters to Fish, I-XLIII)

IMPORTANT TO GHOST HUNTERS?

Yes.

Try  Ghost Hunting without socks. If you don’t wear socks, you run the risk of giving off such a stench as to give a “false positive” of a “ghost, dead odor” or punched.

Which leads to:

PERILS OF (SOCKS)

Like pretty much anything else dealing with your feet, demonic possession of socks can be rampant, if you aren’t careful. Here’s demons for socks, and how to know them. (This might be the most important chart relating to socks and the supernatural you read this week—)

DEMON ODOR: Eggs.  DEMON: Ismodial.  (Babylonian Fertility Buffalo of Anger)  HOW TO GET RID OF: Burn

DEMON ODOR: Sulphur.  DEMON: Azrael (made cameo in season finale of Paranormal State, after getting lost and ending up on a Tenesseean’s head. Remember kids: Google Maps.) HOW TO GET RID OF: BURN (socks. In Tennessee.)

DEMON ODOR: Mud.  DEMON NAME: Mudulus (British demon of muck, bogs, and rotten pies.) NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Actual mud. HOW TO GET RID OF: BURN (socks. Not in mud. That will make burning more difficult.)

ODOR: Evil Feet.  DEMON: Acheeles. (Ancient greek demon of pain, foot pain, and societally-encouraged pederasty.)  HOW TO GET RID OF: BURN (at someone else’s house. Presumably, someone you don’t like. Like, in their grill, or bonfire or something. Yes, this demon is so savage, you will have to be the “Throwing My Socks in the Bonfire” guy. Just tell them you were drunk. For your immortal soul.)

ARE JASON AND GRANT (OF GHOST HUNTERS) GOOD AT IT?

Master-level.

They dominate socks.

They invented the phrase “rock socks” because they were doing it so much and so many times, someone had to come up for a word/s for it, and it had to be them. Their socks brag to other socks about how they’re Jason/Grant’s socks, to the point where other socks are so jealous they stain themselves.

By the time you read this, I’m sure they’ll have marketed TAPS socks, which will be all skulls, gargoysles, lightning and iron-wrought gates, as well a other characters from a rejected Iron Maidan album cover.

IS THE PARANORMAL STATE GUY GOOD AT IT?

No.

Socks shun him. They hate him. They tell him it’s not him, it’s them. But we all know it’s totally him.

He has one sock. It’s on his floor, and if you touch it, it’s rock hard.

…

The less said about this, the better.

DIFFICULTY? (on a scale of “1” is “easy,” and “10” is “a ghost investigation in Paris Catacombs with a Fisher Price camera, nude”)

1. They’re socks.

Did you put them on your feet? Not your head? Your hand? Tongue? Someone else?

Then congratulations! You’ve succeeded at “socks.”

WILL IT HELP WITH THE LADIES, AND (WHERE APPLICABLE) THE MEN?

If you can get a woman interested in you without wearing socks, and you aren’t some surfer/beach/guru person, we’d love to hear from you, because we’re always interested in mail from fictional characters. (What’s up, Mega Man? You coming around for the game later?)

PLEASE: Don’t say “This sock will be adequate protection.” No. No it won’t be. In any context. Whether it’s walking on rocks, or… “other.”

BUT WHAT ABOUT “WITH MEN?”

Men often times (depending on the clime) can be interested in a woman’s foot if it’s exposed.

PLEASE: You, wear socks.

IS IT A NECESSARY SKILL FOR GHOST HUNTERS?

Socks are one more thing that separate the human being from animals, and they’re one more thing that can separate we “Ghost Hunters” from “People Who Live in Basements/Trailers/Other Stereotypes Implying Loserdom/Parental Money Beyond an Acceptable Age.”

IN ENDING:

Socks are one of the things that hold our society together. They’re a sign of how we’ve moved on. In the fifth century, only holy, pure people wore socks. By 1,000 AD, it was the rich people. Now, we’re all wearing socks. If we can make socks something you can buy for six bucks and then throw on your floor in only 900 years, then there’s no telling what we can do! We could prove the existence of the afterlife! We could go to Mars! And then, we could throw it on our proverbial floor like we didn’t care about it!

So remember, when you walk around town today, and see all the stuff you can’t afford and can’t have, just think to yourself: “In 900 years, someone will have this, and totally let it get all dirty.” And when you put socks on, say to yourself: “You’ve come a long way, human race. I’m totally poor and impure.”