ASK BUMPS IN THE NIGHT!

Sometimes, you have questions that you can only ask to three guys who hunt ghosts on the internet. Send all such queries to bitntv@gmail.com or ask in a tweet! We keep it anonymous, unless like, you want us to know it was you.

QUESTION:

Stim$on07: I have two ghost hunting groups in my area that want me to join them. What should I do? How should I make the decision?

GREG: Pick the one with the better supernatural warriors. When the demons are coming, and the fire rains down from the sky, who do you want? Do you want real supernatural warriors like the guys on “Paranormal State?” Or do you want like, women and college kids or something? *

EMMETT: Choose the group that inspires you more. For me, I look for traits like: courage, wisdom, attractiveness, and power.

JOHN: … and you somehow ended up with us. Choose the group that inspires you more… and has less assholes. That’s a big thing. But most importantly, money.

Emmett and Greg nod.

BUMPS IN THE NIGHT IN UNISON: Money.

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QUESTION:

2old2tap: what tips do you have the proper installation of gargoyles for max protection?

GREG: Are you installing the gargoyles to protect against outside threats, or installing something against the gargoyles? I’m completely lost here.

EMMETT: Well, it sort of depends on what you’re doing that you want to install the gargoyles to max protect. You have to ask yourself if you’re doing something “Really Evil.” Not just “Evil,” but “Really Evil.” (Look it up in the dictionary for the difference.) If you’re doing something “Really Evil,” despite what you’ve seen in movies/internet, installing gargoyles is not a great way to keep folks out. Have you ever seen a movie where someone “good” says: “Whew, I know I’ve been on this quest for ten years to kill the evil wizard 2old2tap, and I’m glad I’m finally to the castle… oh, my God! They got gargoyles! I better turn around.” But if you’re just a regular person, or even a drug dealer, gargoyles are fine.

GREG: It’s important to keep in mind that the opposite of everything Emmett just said is true if you’re talking about live gargoyles.

EMMETT: Wait, did you mean “installing them in the ground?” That just takes Miracle-Grow and virgin’s blood. But that’s if the gargoyles already turned to stone. If you want to turn it to stone, that’s a whole other advice column. That involves like, weaponry and I have to see your tax returns —

JOHN (interrupting): It also depends  a lot on what you want to keep out. If you want to keep out idiots that believe in gargoyles, or members of the opposite sex, gargoyles are great. If you want to keep out a burglar or the foreclosure man, you need those gargoyles to turn into cops and lawyers awful quick.

EMMETT: We hope that answered your question, minus the “opposite sex” crack from John. If you have further questions, we’d love to answer them.

GREG: And again, the opposite of everything John said is true if you’re talking about live gargoyles. They’d keep out whoever you’d want, and anyone that would come see my gargoyle, I would love to date.

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QUESTION:

Fleurious29: My grandfather is in the hospital, and he’s not doing too great. His roommate is a scary old busted… ethnic dude that’s gotta be a witch doctor, something bad. What can I do?

GREG: You gotta get answers, you gotta get them now, and you gotta get ‘em out of the witch doctor. Talk to him. Hard. All I’m saying is, they don’t call them “old and infirm” because they’re big and tough. Witch doctor. The nerve.

EMMETT: Maybe it’s just a crummy hospital. I remember how shocked I was when I found out my hospital didn’t have the leather nurses with sexual healing. I remember how shocked and offended the nurses were when I asked. Stupid HMOs. Anyway, many hospitals have nurses that are demons or monsters.  Make sure you don’t have one of those, then ask a nurse for help. But make really sure. It’s the difference between having your grandfather back, and having the witch doctor dine on some Your-Grandfather-flavored pudding. (Sorry to be graphic.)

JOHN: I’m not sure what a witch doctor “looks like,” so I’m just going to wish you luck with your ignorance and quasi-racism, and a speedy recovery for your grandfather.

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QUESTION:

10canT9a: When I go to bed in my apartment, there are weird sounds. Do you have any idea what they are?

GREG: Not… from your e-mail. My first advice to someone in your situation is always the same:  you gotta let the ghosts know you’re in control. And you did the first thing a person does to regain control: e-mail us. Step two is: threaten the ghosts around you. Tell empty rooms you’ll beat them up. Threaten to burn the whole thing down. Bring an audience along so that the ghosts’ll see you’re serious. You can do it.

EMMETT: If you’re not too far away, we can investigate. If you can pay us, we’ll be there tomorrow. If not, send us a picture of yourself, and any significant other you may have. Depending on… various factors, we could be there this week, next month, or a “conference call investigation.” If you’re in real trouble/a woman, we can be there. (Again, this follows the “picture” method.) If you’re a man, we’ll forward a list of acceptable gifts. If you can’t swing that, um… hang in there?

JOHN: Whatever you do, don’t do what we did.

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QUESTION:

Bitnsuks00: Do u know u suk lol?

GREG: Despite vigorous research, we have been unable to locate a “Usucklol.” However, we have found “Usuchlool,” a Babylonian deity who was in charge of keeping the sun from falling on oxen. So, to answer your question, we do not know “usucklol” but we are going to keep investigating, and see if we can become familiar with them in the future. Any further evidence/study you have would be great—

JOHN: No, Greg, just… no. We’re not answering this. Just… stop.

EMMETT: I second John’s call for not answering it, and first my own call for us “not sucking.”

GREG: … … ohhhhhhhhhh… … ass.

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Now armed with good advice, your life should be a little improved! Keep the questions rolling! Bitntv@gmail.com – Or on Twitter, add the hashtag #askbitn – or even comment on this blog. Good luck, and fear nothing!