Welcome to the part of the Bumps in the Night blog where we give you advice on things that you might not know how to deal with. Our main goal is keeping you alive, since you’re the ones actually paying attention to us. If you’re dead, you can’t watch internet tv/read blogs, so we each have a rooting interest in some crazy goop not killing you. Obviously, our advice would be: “Don’t Touch the Damn Ooze” but if you’re reading this, it’s probably too late for that.

— Just because it’s green ooze, and that made the Teenage Mustang Ninja Turtles bigger, does not that mean it will make you or any body part of yours bigger, men.

The real "secret ooze"

— If you do touch it, don’t get bitten by anything. (Good advice anyway.) Especially not spiders. You may think you’ll become Spiderman/Spiderbabe/Spiderpre-op, but you won’t shoot any webs. Just imagine silly string shooting out of your finger tips for the rest of your life.

INT. BIG BUSINESS MEETING TO DETERMINE YOUR CAREER

YOU: Hello, Mr. Big Business Boss Man! (extends hand)

BIG BUSINESS BOSS MAN: Hello! Nice to meet you. Let me shake your hand here, and OH MY GOD YOUR FINGERS JUST THREW UP ON ME!!!!

— If you yell out, “I got some of it on me and I don’t know what to do!” and the goop responds: “You’re gonna die, that’s what you’re going to do!” it may be too late. Then again, even if the goop says: “I’m harmless, friendly, and let’s play Wii Tennis till we’re a pro doubles team!” it’s probably still too late.

— To determine if said ooze/goop/stuff is corrosive, throw objects into it. If it eats through them, it’s either acidic, hungry, or both. WARNING: Don’t throw anything into the goop that you couldn’t take in a fight if it came to life. You could handle a pissed-off paper clip, but a file cabinet on a dead run is another matter.

— When decided whether to tell others of a potentially murderous ooze, base your decision on the axis of: “How Much of a Loser-Dork Will I Look Like If the Ooze Doesn’t Attack? Is It Worse to Die, Or Be Really Embarrassed?” With some death goops, (Evil Insane Melted Cotton Candy, for example,) death sooooooooooooo beats embarrassment.

Dangerous when fast and/or alive.

— Your clothes could attack you, depending on the ooze, (and it getting into their pores, making a deal with them they might not see is morally wrong, etc.) Shoes and underwear are the first to betray — they know where you’re from.

— If you decide to fight the ooze, BE SURE: you aren’t fighting the blob, an overweight person who’s on the ground at night, or a water theme park.

— If fighting an on-rushing ooze with others, if someone says: “We gotta shoot the ooze!” knock them completely unconscious. Either they’re being controlled by the ooze, or they’re so supernaturally stupid that they’d give you something to trip over. Which reminds me: you can then use them to build a human dam to stop the ooze! NOTE: EARLIER RULE ABOUT “COULD YOU TAKE THEM” APPLIES.

Do not fight me. Am not ooze.

— There’s really only one way to kill an ooze/goop/stuff. Dropping it into an abyss and shooting it into space don’t work, you have to melt it. Build a superheater-combine with directed heat or a magnifying glass larger than a Toyota, (cheaper in the down economy.) Ooze solved, problem solved. NOW, if the heater/magnifying glass turns on you… you’re having a bad day. We’ll deal with that in an upcoming edition.  

— Hopefully, that helped you figure out what to do with that liquid that’s congealing around your feet. Remember, no one ever died running like hell away from something… 

… well, no, that’s not true. But you know what we mean.