A GHOST HUNTER’S GUIDE TO:

PANTS!

As a ghost pursuer, it’s my duty to give you the best, most straightest dope I can. I understand that many/some/one of you is female, so I wanted to make sure you were included in the review of Five Best: Pants to wear.  What I learned, was shocking, evidence of the ugly head of sexism poking its unwashed face out of the shower stall of time again:

There are almost no good ghost hunting pants for ladies.

This is horrible. And someone has to be brave enough to say something about it.

Now that I just have, it’s someone else’s turn, too.

Anyway, I know that being on a ghost hunt is scary, and you might want something strong to protect you, so maybe something camouflage.  I also know that some women prefer the “Capri” pants model, because they really like to show off their sexy, sexy ankles. So I bought the largest pair of these I could find:

CAPRI PANTS

— I’m not sure what you’re supposed to be camouflaged into here. (The goo from the end of “Ghostbusters II”?)  Maybe the ghost will see you, as a woman, and think: “Oh, I will take a pink form” and then, you’ll hide your lower body by the ghost there?  Regardless, either women haven’t figured out camouflage yet (doubtful, look how good they are with colors!) or, it’s a secret plot by our pants manufacturers to get some women killed by ghosts.  Or, they’re just ugly pants.  Very possibly, both.

DESCRIPTION: Not very good.

COMFORT: Nope. (Places in my lower body still have pink marks on them, but I got the pants back – the pair I put on are completely ripped.)

EFFECT FROM GHOSTS: Mockery, derision, and a generally glad feeling that they are dead, and probably never wore such horror when they were alive.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Is “shame” telepathic? How about embarrassment?

HAUNTED HISTORY: There’s nothing haunted about these pants, unless you wear them for too long.  In which case, people will start to ignore you.  If you’re lucky.

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SKIRTS were, sadly, more of the same.  I typed “attack skirt” into Google, and was overjoyed to hear that they had a “Bat Attack Skirt.” (I know that some of you have been writing in to say that you don’t know what to do with bats on ghost hunts, do you ignore them, try to kill them, etc.?  I figured this skirt might give some clues, that we could all share together.)  Unfortunately, the only clue I received was another one in the long, dark corridor of sexism that corrodes our national conversation about female ghost hunters:

Her body says: “Ghost hunter,” her skirt says: “No, you will be terrible at ghost hunting, due to your gender.  Also: are these bats having a race around your midriff?  I vote for the one that’s three times as big as his friend.”

DESCRIPTION:  If failure could be put into fabric form, and (almost) wrapped around your waist. (I had to buy two, and sort of… mesh them together.)

COMFORT:  That I was able to take them off easily. (Bending over, ripping them, etc.)

PRICE:  I won’t tell you. (I will say, however, that duct tape has come down slightly in price.)

EFFECT FROM/ON GHOSTS:  Not sure. I tried running around in the skirt, and didn’t even make it to the ghost hunt.  I found running difficult, as well as sitting down.  I was about to head out to the ghost hunt, but when John stopped me, and (after he stopped laughing) demonstrated for me exactly some of the insults that I was very likely to soon hear, I decided not wearing a skirt was the better part of valor.

HAUNTED HISTORY:  Pontius Pilate wore a skirt when he crucified Jesus.  Alexander the Great wore a skirt when he gave Afghanistan to the Egyptians.  Napoleon wore a skirt when his flaming arrows narrowly missed Christopher Columbus as the latter took refuge behind the large doors that surround Britain. And the skirt has been cursed ever since.

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I needed a “man’s” ghost hunting pants.  I needed the kind of ghost hunting pants that would say vicious things to my ghost hunting skirt, and then, still have the skirt love those mean ghost hunting pants afterwards.  I asked some “hunter” friends what they wore (not “ghost hunter” but like, “hunter.”  I guess there’s some idiots that have nothing better to do on their weekends but shoot at… animals?  Um, no offense, but, “Hello!” Why would you “hunt” something if it’s not a ghost?  I think we’ve all seen a “duck” and a “deer” before.  Anyway—)

I borrowed a friend’s “hunter” pants, and I was, um… not so impressed –

This guy looks like he could be on a ghost hunt, if there was one in a swamp in the middle of the afternoon.  He looks like he’s ready for absolutely everything, provided everything doesn’t require moving quickly, moving quietly or any dignity whatsoever.

I was not, when wearing the pants. My friend is not my size.  However, I’m not really sure that would’ve mattered.

DESCRIPTION:  Wrap ten garbage bags around your crotch.  Now walk around with a flashlight saying: “I know your mother locked you in the attic for ten years.  If that makes you angry, say something.”

COMFORT:  I would be worried about carrying a gun around while wearing these, for fear that I’d accidentally-on-purpose shoot myself, or that I would shoot someone else who was wearing something more comfortable out of spite. (And “something more comfortable” being classified as anything from regular pants to “some medieval torture devices.”)

EFFECT FROM/ON GHOSTS:  Negligible.  I went into my friend’s bathroom to put them on, and I couldn’t walk out of his bathroom without falling over.  Since I know his bathroom isn’t haunted, I’m going to have to label the effectiveness of overalls on ghosts as “Inconclusive.”

HAUNTED HISTORY: The most famous overalls in history belong to the Super Mario Brothers.  They come from an ancient Italian myth about a little boy who lived in the basement of his parents’ house.  One day, it started to flood because he lived in the only basement in Venice.  His parents didn’t notice, because they were too busy being greedy, since it was the ‘80s at the time. Luckily, two not-at-all-offensively-stereotypical Italians showed up to save him, and they happened to be plumbers.  They bravely jumped into the water to get him out, and he was saved.  The plumbers, meanwhile, went deeper into the water, until they found a passage to a special, dream-like world called “the Mushroom Kingdom.”  But really, they just drowned.

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—- By now, you’ve hopefully learned enough to put one pant leg on. If not, next week, the rest will follow. Until then, stay clothed. If need be.