The Four Best Albums to the Listen To While Ghost Hunting

1. Metallica – Master of Puppets

EFFECT ON HUNTERS: They’ll be so pumped up, you’ll have to calm them down with something mellow, like meth. Or running from an ocelot.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Fear. Resentment, if they’re easy listening ghosts. Deep, “You Sold Out, Man” resentment, if they died before they heard/avoided the Coffin Vagina album.

The Mongol hoards would play loud drums as they entered battle to scare the opposition. * If they’d had Master of Puppets, you’d hear about people’s vacations to the Great Parking Lot of China.

(NOTE: and it’d be a haunted parking lot. See, cause there wouldn’t be a Great Wall because it’d be run over, cause… anyway…)

HAUNTED HISTORY: In the movie “Three Men and a Baby,” a female ghost appears in a window during one of the shots. She’s holding a copy of “Master of Puppets” and asking Steve Guttenberg to please stop talking to her, she’s asked nicely several times.

* Turns out this is not true.

2. “I LOVE A PARADE” – JOHN WILLIAMS AND THE BOSTON POPS

Patriotic marches. All the songs you droned in elementary school: Yankee Doodle, America the Beautiful, The Confederate Song the European Terrorist/Thieves Blasted in “Die Hard With a Vengeance,” etc.

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: You will hate it. You will loathe it. You will think it’s lame, dumb, silly, and a little uncool. Then, you’ll start walking in unison. Maybe marching. Nodding to each other. Before long, you’ll be focused, lean and mean. You might even figure out how all that equipment you rented works.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Say the ghost has poor eyesight, (not unreasonable.) What do you think is going to be more impressive/scary? General Washington’s Colonial Army, or Six Dudes Who Just Left Benny’s Burrito Bodega, One Of Which Inexplicably Has Nightvision Goggles?

HAUNTED HISTORY: John Williams died in 1992. What you see now is a ghost, then a cyborg… and a ghost again, after Jurassic Park III went over budget. (Tea Leoni, Sam Neill’s hat. PICTURE OF LAST) Death is cheaper than metal.

3. ALICE IN CHAINS – DIRT
Drug songs about drugs. And power cords and drugs. Alcohol.

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: “Them Bones” is to ghost hunting as “Sweet Caroline” is to Red Sox Nation, “Renegade” is to the Pittsburgh Steelers, and “Drinking” to Germany. If a ghost hunter is silent for a few moments, they’ll usually start humming “Them Bones.” Or, they’re dead. If you can’t get pumped up to hunt ghosts after that song, you aren’t a ghost hunter. You need to change your adult diaper at St. Loser’s Hospital of Suckitude for the Cool-points-ally Handicapped.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: There is one track written by human beings that can destroy everything. Life, death, doesn’t matter. It’s like a neutron bomb, if you could sneak it into the afterlife, “Iron Lung.” Don’t click this, seriously:

HAUNTED HISTORY: the picture on the cover was taken from the future, and smuggled back by a ghost for Columbia Records. In 2087, World War 5.2 will leave the Earth an orange wasteland. It’ll be pretty bleak until Cybernetic Zombie Alicia Silverstone leads her face of Large-Boobed Mud People to glory. (Can tell she’s a cybernetic zombie – the brown hair.)

4. CREED – MY OWN PRISON
Whoa, wait. We sure as hell aren’t saying it’s good. This is for hunting ghosts, now. Ghost hunting is about sacrifice. And hunting ghosts.

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: Auditory castor oil. Acupuncture: if all those nails hit you at once, it doesn’t hurt or break the skin, you get focused. Creed is aural acupuncture: it is a million little needles that, alone, would break the skin and hurt like hell, but, together, the’yre an impenetrable wall of suck. That focuses you. It’s like a cursed power up in a video game – don’t use it all at once.

Also, this album cover perfectly captures what you look like after listening to Creed. When this guy turned the album on, he was wearing a nice suit in a fast car. Now look at him.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Ghosts hate Creed. They’re already dead, haven’t they suffered enough? To learn how Creed affects ghosts, tape nails to an old telephone and hit yourself repeatedly in a sensitive region. Or, if they’re really brave and crazy, listen to Creed.

HAUNTED HISTORY: In the Beginning, God and the Devil haggled over music.

GOD: I claim the Beatles, Elvis, Beethoven and Bush.
SATAN: Yeah, sure, whatever. If you do all that, I’m going to make “Creed.”

— God had to think about that for a looooooong time.