Last night, you might’ve been watching the Oscars, and you might’ve said to yourself: “Oh no… Kristin Stewart and Taylor Lautner are introducing a series of clips of Horror movies! I must be really drunk. On Sunday night. Again.”

But then you looked around, and saw that everyone in the room was seeing the same thing, and the camera was showing the same thing… and then you remembered that it’s smoking that has a “second-hand” effect, not alcohol (the only “second-hand” effects of alcohol are vomiting and sex, and the latter only if your second hand is still working.) So this lea you to think that…

“This is really happening. Someone thought this was a good idea.”

Having the two of them introduce horror clips is like having the Care Bears host a National Geographic special about Grizzlies.

Caption: Now let’s learn all the ways a Kodiak bear can eat your face!

But, in between shouting at the TV and pretending out loud we haven’t seen the “Twilight” movies, we got to thinking about: “What Oscar nominations might Horror movies and/or people have deserved?” During brief bursts of sobriety today, we managed to throw together a couple Google searches, when we weren’t talking despondent Avatar fans down from hanging themselves by their ponytail-genitalia-dreadlock-tail-thing-penises.

Caption: Once you go blue, you never go back. Wait, that doesn’t rhyme. Okay, how about: once you go dicktail, every other genitalia is an epic fail

A COUPLE COULDA BEEN HORROR OSCARS:

FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM:

MOVIES: “Inside” and “Audition” (2007 and 2000) respectively.

Caption: A movie scary enough to make a man crawl into a bag.

“Audition” is the story of a man who wants a date in the worst way possible, and then gets it, and then gets it in a way that’s somehow impossibly worse.

Caption: Between the blades, blood and pregnant belly, this cover art is a 76% success rate birth control method.

“Inside” is the story of a woman who got pregnant, and lacked the foresight to make sure there weren’t any crazy women in France when she did.

Both movies rock your face, by way of your ass.  Unfortunately, neither was nominated by the ever-forward thinking Motion Pictures Academy.

Caption: The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts & Sciences explores an exciting new way to listen to music, circa 2000.

WHAT GOT NOMINATED INSTEAD:

We’d copy and paste all the names of movies, but you didn’t see them either. 2000’s Foreign Language Winner was the absolutely fantastic “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” which exposed America to the radical idea of Asian people performing kung-fu.

However, Belgium nominee “EVERYBODY FAMOUS” is described by Wikipedia as:

Seventeen-year-old Marva Vereecken is a regular at singing contests which she never wins. When her father, Jean, gets laid off, he decides to kidnap the number one singer in the country, Debbie. The kidnapping greatly increases sales of Debbie’s latest single, much to the pleasant surprise of Michael, Debbie’s manager.

– Or, put more simply: “One Joke: The Movie. Now in a Language You Probably Don’t Speak!”

2007 brought a whole bunch of foreign movies that seemed to mention Nazis in the title, so obviously they’re invincible. (Thankfully, the only place Nazis are invincible is at the Oscars.)

Caption: “SIEG HEIL FOR THE WIN!”

28 DAYS LATER

Caption: A fun-filled British romp. Like “A Hard Day’s Night if Ringo Started Eating People.”

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Cillian Murphy

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: Christopher Eccleston, Brendan Gleason.

Before embarking on a career playing all of the parts that Christopher Walken would be playing if he were younger and not Christopher Walken: Professional Punchline, Cillian Murphy wowed the movie world as a vibrant actor who made audiences not only believe that he could outrun crack-addict zombies, they believed they actually wanted to see him do so.  Eccleston was a military commander who was hard-as-nails, (literally. He was ready to have sex with a tween) while Brendan Gleason played the lovable family member you’d like to think you’d appreciate before a zombie apocalypse, but wouldn’t.

WHAT GOT NOMINATED INSTEAD:

Lead actor in 2003 was Sean Penn, in the great “Mystic River,” showing he can get nominated for playing both a learning-disabled man (2001’s “I Am Sam”) and his character in “Mystic River,” a crime boss who merely made decisions like he had some kind of mental disability.

Caption: “M-O-O-N. That spells ‘Kill my friend.’”

However, Jude Law, nominated for “My Girlfriend Made Me Watch Cold Mountain,” could’ve lost a nomination for the arcane Academy rule of: “If You Forget How Many Children You Have, You Lose One Nomination.”

Caption: “Condoms? They’re for pussies. Wait… I think that’s what I’ve been doing wrong.”

Best Supporting Actor Winner was the great Tim Robbins for “Mystic River,” so no complaints there. But, Benicio Del Toro was nominated for “21 Grams,” or as it was also called: “Benicio Grunts and Glowers Through Another Interminable Indie Film.”

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There are probably other, more worthy horror nominations than these, but these were the ones that came out of our lengthy “Bumps in the Night” Oscar selection process, known by it’s original Latin name: “Oh Crap, We Didn’t Update the Blog Yet on Monday.” We’ll post more of these as they come to us, and eventually that article about how “Ghost Hunters” deserves every Emmy for everything ever, except for the Lifetime Achievement in Sucking, which still goes to “Paranormal State.”

Until then, may the little gold men in your hands be Oscar, and not aliens waiting to strike…