I want to write about love.

I want to write about beauty. I want to write about that which draws us together, a celebration of our lives, the intersection of our hopes and desires, the transcendence that might be within each of our souls…

… but, if it’s Monday, then I’m telling you about the Syfy Channel movie on Saturday night, “Dinoshark.”

We had a special “behind the scenes” copy of the film letting us view the story development process. It followed a very difficult route:

1. Open a dictionary.

2. Find two nouns.

3. Mesh them together.

3A. Be sure to pick something that justifies us being in Mexico.

Try it yourself:

“CheeseRadar.” “Pillowamoeba.” “Assbandit.” If you can find a way to make your two words kill people, then call Syfy up, you may be on to something. (Although, if you came up with the last one, there’s a lot more production companies you can call. A lot of them are in the valley.)

I really don’t even want to make fun of this movie. I kinda don’t see the point. It’s like… find a ceramic dog. Now, pet the dog. Then, throw a stick. Now, yell at the fake dog for not going to get the stick. Yelling at this movie for sucking is like yelling at that fake dog for not getting this stick… because it’s all your significant other’s fault for buying the dog in the first place.

No, I’m kidding.

I’m single.

…. And then, the alcohol kicked in.

(For me, not the movie. Maybe the movie, that would explain the scene where the Mexican cop is going to arrest our lead for not having his immigration papers, and pays him off with an “Aphrodisiac Necklace,” which looks like something a homeless guy would find too embarrassingly cheap-looking to sell.

“You mean, for women?” the Mexican cop says, apparently having heard of the magnificent creatures but never having seen one in the wild. Our hero nods balefully, hoping to lead his Mexican cop friend down the road of paying off your significant others in trinkets.)

On IMDb, a hardy soul says it’s “an homage to Jaws,” which is true, in the same way a film that consisted entirely of you jumping around your bedroom waving a dowel rod yelling: “FHWOOM!” would be an homage to Star Wars.

But, there’s too much hate in the world. Instead of ripping on the movie, we’re going to help it. We’re going to give good advice. We’re going to make personal ads for some of the characters in the film. A personal ad, as if they were looking for love. And not fictional. And in some cases, not inanimate objects.

“Dinoshark”

Hello, ladies! I’m Dinoshark!

– I’m an enormous, fake , fake looking shark that kills people in Mexico, largely by them thrashing about while some poor PA throws red coloring into the water.

LIKES:

Global Warming.

Tadpoles fall out of a glacier that melted at the beginning, “melted” being a kind phrase for the animation, as it seems more like the glacier was defecating.)

DISLIKES:

People.

(Unless they come raw and uncooked.)

FAVORITE THINGS ABOUT ME

I’m cheap. There are two Cormans on the production, which means the film had a smaller budget than the shower I took this morning, and I didn’t even remember to shower.

(NOTE: REALLY REMEMBER TO SHOWER.)

EMMETT NOTE: Please.

I really have to stop letting you guys edit these.

ONE THING I COULD IMPROVE ON –

Uh, does “everything” count as one thing?

“Trace”

“You may remember me as ‘The Guy Chloe Glared At For a Season on ‘24.’”

LIKES: Boats or something.

DISLIKES: Dinoshark.

ALSO ABOUT ME:

Uh, is a man. Additionally: hair.

(NOTE: In a Syfy movie, this is a “3-D Dimensional Protagonist.”)

“Carol Brubaker”

- Possibly the world’s best marine biologist/girls’ water polo coach… (seriously, that’s what the movie says she is) but we doubt it.

LIKES: (Hmm, we made notes, but all we could find is a crude drawing of boobs.)

DISLIKES: Presumably the shark, but the boobs we drew crossed over into “dislike” category as well, so I guess that’s a “dislike.”

ALSO ABOUT ME:

It’s a Syfy movie, so, any moment where a woman isn’t killing something, kissing/having sex or giving clumsy exposition, they really aren’t doing much of anything. We were going to write “boobs” again here to complete the hat trick, but that would be sexist.

So, we’re going to put “very thin” instead.

JOHN NOTE: Yes, three boobs is sexist. And also impossible.

EMMETT NOTE: Not on Mars!

“Calderon”

I think this guy was the cop. If I’m wrong, and someone could show up on the internet to shout at me and call me Hitler, that’d be super.

LIKES: Being wrong.

The Mexican police depicted in this make Benicio Del Toro’s crew from “Traffic” look like “Dragnet.” When they aren’t sending the entire group after Eric Balfour, they’re sending a helicopter after Dinoshark… which somehow fails. The shark bites the helicopter and makes it explode, which is a failure that physics finds too awesome to stop.

“Like a Poprock made of metal.”

It’s like if you set out to run over a homeless man with a car, and moments later, he bit your car till it exploded, and somehow you’d run over your own foot.

The cop is what would happen if Aziz Ansari had a child with “All of John Leguizamo’s Worst Performances.” You seriously expect the Mexican police to show up in full uniform, with him rocking John’s “Luigi” outfit.

“Mexico”

Hello! I offer beautiful Puerta Vallarta! And everything’s great here! (cough, except dysentery, crime, poverty etc.)

That was a long cough. I’m getting over a cold.

RATINGS:

7/10 Syfys.

Instead of looking at a bleak soundstage with cheap props, it was beautiful Mexico. Like many things in life, it was all fantastic… until people started talking.

SNAKES:

We’re going to count the Dinoshark itself as a snake, because they’re almost as prevalent in this kind of movie. Okay, as half a snake.

MOMENTARY BLIP OF AWESOME:

I saw a shark eat a helicopter. That’s not something I thought I’d be able to say when I woke up this morning.

COULD YOU MAKE THIS MOVIE WITH YOUR FRIENDS FOR 50 BUCKS?

If you live in Mexico. Then again, if you have $50, you sure don’t live in Puerta Vallarta.

WHAT WE LEARNED:

– Everyone needs to be loved, even people who aren’t people.

– You gotta make us feel. Either makes us really want to see people die, or not.  If we, the viewers at home, could vote, like a reality show, that’d be tremendous. “American Idol,” meh. “American Someone You Don’t Like Could Be Devoured By a Shark,” well, that’s going right on the TIVO.

LAST THOUGHTS:

JFK once said:

“Let us think of education as the means of developing our greatest abilities, because in each of us there is a private hope and dream which, fulfilled, can be translated into benefit for everyone and greater strength for our nation.”

… he probably didn’t say that while watching a Corman movie on the Syfy Channel on Saturday night, though.