Now with universal health care a reality here in America, we’re all guaranteed to die at the horrible hands of an unelected group of faceless folks who know nothing about us.

YOU: “Uh, hey, folks. You should um, totally let me live, because, like… I’m good with dogs… and stuff. Yeah, I’ll just show myself to the electric chair.”

Now, instead of doctors or insurance companies determining what treatment we’ll get, we’ll all be put to death. Sad face.

But, as you might have heard, America is the last country to get to universal health care. How do death panels in other countries work? Who does the dirty work of killing those who society no-longer deems valuable? How do they kill you? And, are their death panels preferable to America? Let’s explore together. And then, hopefully, forget about it.

ITALY:

(also known as: “Itality.” The red spots are places where you make the prettiest chalk outline.)

THE ROSTER:

Paulie

Cancer kills millions each year. This number is also known as: “Half the number of people Paulie hits with a crowbar.”

“In your face, Cancer. And in your face… guy I just hit with a crowbar.”

Chef B.

Chef Boyardee has killed millions with a venomous poison that seeps into a person’s brain cortex and convinces them that they’re eating pasta.

NOTE: of the words “Spaghetti Sauce With Meat” the only words that aren’t lies are “with” and “sauce.” But your definition of “sauce” has to be pretty liberal, with low-to-no expectations.

Mario

Mario is a middle aged man who spends every day doing mushrooms, stomping on turtles, and stalking a beautiful woman and her boyfriend Kingston Koopawicz. Remember kids: drugs are bad.

“It’s-a me! I’m-a tripping-a balls-a!”

UPSIDE: The food.

Paulie Walnuts, to maximum uncomfortable ethnic stereotypes, sometimes eats an Italian meal with someone before killing them.

“You know the Last Supper? Ever think about it? Why? No reason. Try the veal.”

Authorities last saw Paulie fire-bombing diners that aren’t Denny’s, and saying that Denny’s is a good meal. The FDA was going to step in and point out it’s 1983 Denny’s Statute, i.e.: “Denny’s Is Only Good If You Are Drunk And/Or High And It’s At Least 2 AM” but, they didn’t bring it up. Little is known why.

I struggle with federal guidelines.

DOWNSIDE: The food.

Maggots crawl through an orange goop, howling in pain.

Historical fact: the “O’s” are named for what your digestive track says when you eat Spaghetti-O’s, but for commercial reasons, the “N” at the beginning of the word was omitted.

ON A SCALE FROM “1” TO “I’D LIKE BE KILLED BY THIS COUNTRY’S DEATH PANELS” ITALY IS: 7. Italy’s beautiful. And if you’re killed here, you won’t be hungry later.

JOHN NOTE: Please don’t send letters. This isn’t racist, because Greg’s kind of Italian. And if you know one member of a certain ethnic group, nothing you do, no matter how racist, is racist. It’s the American way.

“It’s true. I hate foreigners.”

CANADA

Cold, bleak and big, it’s the sister that Alaska makes stay home instead of partying with the cool kids.

THE ROSTER:

“I disembowel you, then rap about it. This punishment is referred to as the ‘Stop Calling Me Jimmy.’”

“I will kill you with my stunning and overwhelming lack of any discernible talent whatsoever.”

“Hmm… it appears Malin is already using my killing method, despite me being in a highly disappointing movie(s) that should’ve been good before she was.”

“I’ll kill you with my tomahawk, in a testament to my Indian heritage, where I’m known by my Indian name: ‘Hey, Whatever Happened to James Van Der Beek. Wait, You Mean That’s Not Him?’”

– special thanks to Wikipedia for letting us know these people were Canadian.

UPSIDE:
The first answer for “Canadian Fun Facts” on Google says:
“Canada is also known to have the highest quality of life in the world, according to the United Nations Human Development Index.”

DOWNSIDE:
As soon as Canada leaves the room, the United Nations Human Development Index laughs and says: “I’m sorry guys, I am TOTALLY kidding.”

ON A SCALE FROM “1” TO “I’D LIKE TO BE KILLED BY THIS COUNTRY’S DEATH PANELS” CANADA IS:
An 8.
(Being killed in Canada is like being anything else in Canada: it’s colder than you were told itwas going to be, and you hope beer is somehow involved.)

JOHN NOTE: This isn’t racist, because Greg likes hockey. Please don’t send letters.

COUNTRY:

DISNEY

Located somewhere between Never-Never Land, the Magic Kingdom, and other dreams of a raging anti-semite, Disney is a magical land where millions of kids go every year… and some of those millions even make it out.

THE ROSTER:

(sings) “M-I-C… K-E-Y… I-N U-R Drink!”

“Well, golly jeez there, Mickey, it looks like we’ve got someone that society just doesn’t have any use for anymore. Would you like another #2 Dad Burger?”

“I don’t kill anybody! I’m not a death panel! We’ll sing songs, and learn about “Hakuna Matata” together!
I’m kidding. I’m a boar. I’m going to gore you.”

“When you wish upon a star… make it count, because we’re going to kill you pretty soon after that.”

“Actually, I believe in free markets, and will not support socialism in any way, so I cannot be a part of this Death Panel.”

UPSIDE:

DOWNSIDE:

ON A SCALE FROM “1” TO “I’D LIKE TO BE KILLED BY THIS COUNTRY’S DEATH PANEL” DISNEY IS: 1. The worst death imaginable:

You don’t want to know where she can fly. Or where that treasure was hidden. Fun game: See how many double entendres you can find on this cover. The minimum is eight, the maximum is “The worst parts of your imagination.”

JOHN NOTE: Please don’t send letters. We’re not racist. We love Disney… wait, no we don’t.