To prepare you for our battle with haunted furniture on Wednesday…

We deal with it every day. You hear about it on every news broadcast. If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a million times.

Indeed, there’s even an old cliché:

Death. Taxes. Evil furniture.

We’ve heard them all a million times in school, but here are some of the more famous examples from history:

Paranormal experts say there are over 4,000 ways to die in this photo alone. They also say that the “seat” in the upper right is so hideous, you can get secondhand ugly just walking by it.

FOR MORE EXAMPLES OF SECONDHAND UGLY –

(AND A HOT CELEBRITY WOMAN, DATING AN UGLY DUDE – ONCE HOT, ONCE NOT)

The Distance From

To

Is

–

Medicine Hat, Alberta: December 11^th, 1995

If you were to eat a human teenager whole, you’d look a little rotund, too.

Rye, NY: August 19, 1974

Two children and a pet rock were found dismembered on this bed. According to legend (read: hippies in the area) the lead detective asked: “Who could’ve done this?” there was a voice that answered: “No clue. Because the bed certainly doesn’t look evil at all.”

From Henry Shaw’s Specimens of Ancient Furniture (assumed made between 1500-1700 in England.)

This… chair-like mutated cradle… device single-handed ushered in the “Why Don’t We Start Putting Backs on Chairs Like Civilized People?” War of 1554. After an uneasy truce, the “Maybe We Like Sitting in Cosmically Uncomfortable Chairs” war of 1569 spread like a brushfire… made entirely of poorly-designed furniture. After a few re-clinings and bolt-uprightings (the “Where Do My Arms Go?” border war of 1578 and the “I Think I Accidentally Straddled This, Somehow” offensive of 1594) both sides came together and fought the broader “Hey, Why Don’t We Put Aside Our Differences So We Can Enslave A Race of Another Skin Color To Make These Things For Us?” war of 1604… better known as “The Crusades.”

Valley Forge, PA: 1777

The first bed comforter was a work in progress.

The only comfort the bed had to offer was the disdainful glare of what looks like a one-armed revolutionary war soldier wiping his pants with a handkerchief. Scientists are unsure what happened to his right arm, why he’s flying on angel’s wings, or who shoved a sword up his ass all the way to the hilt. What is known, though, is that this is the first known example of OCD. His arm is cut off, his… whatever’s going on with that sword, but damnit, he’s not going to let his attack-moo-moo get dirty.

Boston, MA: 1969

Timothy Leary’s bedroom

If you listen very closely, you can hear the monkey whisper: “I really wish I’d done less acid.”

In a new twist on “King Kong,” the two stools have tied up the monkey as a sacrifice to whatever that orange phallic thing is on the left, but only after the success of their controversial surgery to replace the monkey’s right bicep with a soccer ball.

Cleveland, OH: 1801

- “I don’t know if he likes his whiskey.”

- “Eh, it’s all going on his room service bill anyway.”

Motel 6’s slogan today is “We’ll Leave the Light On For You.” Back then it was: “We Guarantee Every Room Will Have Six Guys In It: Two To Torture You By Thrusting a Hose Down Your Throat; Two to Play Music, One to Point His Finger and Say ‘Now Boys’ and One to Write Everything Down, While Sitting at an Inexplicably One Foot High Podium.”

It’s like the Black Lodge from “Twin Peaks” on steroids. Steroids made out of dwarves from the Black Lodge.

Magnitogorsk, Russia

In Russia, yes, musical chairs plays you, but they also play musical chairs for “reals.” The paper on the right, translated from the original Russian:

“Time-out chair. For medium offense.”

I also like how the ear flaps can move. Did someone actually put a victim in this thing, and then go: “Oh my God, not their ears! That’d be too painful!”?

Paris, France

“The Time When They Were Beheading All Those People.” (note: Internet is down right now.)

The Society for the Social Advancement of String (SASS) would like to point out that, technically, the string is not responsible for any damage this device may or may not allegedly “do” to any alleged “human being” suspected of having a “neck.”

The National Organization for the Image Promotion of Deadly Blades (NOIPNUB) could not be reached for comment at posting time.

“A-Body-Was-Found-Within-the-Furthest-Left-Couch-With-The-Phrase-‘Triple Word Score’-Carved-Into-The-Stomach” is not playable. But, neither is “And the killer was never found.” However, “Eaten” and “By” and “Wildly Uncomfortable Hipster Goofiness” are 77 points.

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But what will the future bring?

If we look back to history, we can see that the one thing history can teach us about the future is that: “Things Will Always Be Pretty Bad.”

Future

20XX

(before Mega Man 3, but after Dr. Wily turned into that green alien that was totally only a robot controlled by Dr. Wily)

Clockwise from left:

Black and Decker Heavy Duty Basement Light & Lightning Fast Test Tube baby incubator. (Note: the longer tube means they’ll come around in adult-hood, but be totally unable to communicate.)*

The Last Light Bulb Your Hand Will Ever Change

You Don’t Want to See What Happened to the Bicycle (OR: The Bicycle Got It Worse)

Recycletron, the Homeless Transformer.

* See Examples:

“It’s Dead-time. It’s called Dead-Time, because that sounds a hell of a lot cooler than ‘We’re Wandering Through Somebody’s House at 3 AM.’”