The Streamys, the awards for excellence in web television occurred last Sunday night. We were there, as observers.

Above: Straight Pimpin’ Observers. You know it’s a good night when you get your landlord drunk.

You may have heard some things went wrong at the show, that not everything went according to plan.

Above; Similar example of “Not Quite According to Plan.” Irony: the Hindenburg, when it exploded, was on it’s way to “The Most Tricked Out Blimp Awards, 1932.” The award went, for the 20th’s year in a row, to Ex-President Taft.

Above: Burp.

Anyway, so things didn’t go perfectly at the Streamys. But one thing did go perfect. One thing did go absolutely a hundred percent right:

Absolutely no zombies made it out onto stage.

Let me say that again: Absolutely not a single zombie made it from the backstage area to the stage, or the audience.

No ticket. Or press pass. Or friends whose brains hadn’t been eaten to get them into the show. Also: the dress code this year called for “No Bloodstains.” A big step up from the year before.

So, when judged on a “Did Zombies Kill and Eat Everyone at the Streamy Awards?” scale, the Streamys were the biggest success ever. Let’s see the Grammys say that.

“100% Zombie Attack Free since… well, last Sunday.”

Since we were there, we thought we’d talk about what went down on Sunday. Early on in the show, many people reported seeing a figure in a black mask running around backstage, and apparently yelling charming things like: “You’re all going to die!”

Above: The black mask the man wore. It says: “You Don’t Know My Real Identity” and “Clearly, I Did Not Have a Ticket to the After Party.”

…but, no one made a big deal of this. And why should they? It’s the Streamys! This is the internet! Having someone yell death threats is part of the job. It’d be like going through the whole day without someone saying something offensive: it doesn’t happen on the internet.

We’re not sure how this masked figure was able to get a zombie apocalypse started in a public place.

Above: Yes we are. Not to be too critical, but next year, we sincerely hope the Streamys is not sponsored by “Ray-X Mysterious Green Ooze Goop: For All Your “I Hope It’s Not That Radioactive” Needs.”

The zombies first reared their heads by eating through the cords to the video screen, and messing up the tape. This was during the “How to Get a Streamy Nomination” video.

ZOMBIES: “The ‘How to Get a Streamy Nomination’ video offends us. We have very delicate sensibilities when it comes to light satire.”

So, valiantly, the first group to do battle with them were the Streamy Craft Winners, which is why they were unable to come out for a long period of time.

(They were powered by the most blessed of all things – the open bar from the craft show.)

Of course the host and the Fine Brothers told people there was a tape problem! What did you want them to say? The truth?

FIG 1:

ANNOUNCER: “Excuse me, everyone, there’s been an outbreak of zombie attacks backstage. Everyone stay in your seats, nothing is wrong, particularly nothing zombie related.”

FIG 2:

People not panicking and staying in their seats.

But then, the craft winners were able to kill enough zombies to unlock the achievement: “Able to go out on stage.”

Now, you may hear some people dispute this, and say that there were no zombie attacks at the Streamys. That they were able to go backstage and didn’t see any zombies whatsoever. But, that can be credited to the amazing corpse clean-up skills of superstar web producer Jenni Powell.

JENNI: “I’ve worked on ‘Bumps in the Night,’ ‘The Guild,’ and ‘Lonelygirl15.’ I think I’m a little familiar with cleaning up corpses, thank you very much.”

Many of the presenters and stars worked together to stop the zombie menace. At one point, it looked like the end for Kevin Pollak. He screamed as a zombie grabbed him–

POLLAK: “I didn’t scream. I’m Kevin Pollak, I don’t scream: I sigh, in agitation.”

Anyway, the zombie looked around, and bit into Kevin’s flesh…! Or rather, was about to, when the zombie made a fatal mistake: it forgot to look down. David Faustino took the zombie out with a rising uppercut punch.

FAUSTINO: “I was going to yell ‘Shoryuken!’ but after all the ‘nerd’ jokes earlier in the evening that would’ve been too much.”

Robert Englund watched all the zombie killing with a tired sigh, and went about killing the starstruck monsters.

ENGLUND: “I’m covered in blood, and it’s only Sunday night. Jeez.”

About two hours into the show, the zombies, after having been stymied all night, made a concerted push to get out onto the stage. But the Sklar Brothers were able to kill some zombies by activating their Wonder Twin powers.

SKLAR BROTHERS: “After careful consideration, we left Gleek at home. ”

Late in the show, Chris Hardwick was attacked and violated by the thumb of a zombie sympathizer, but he was able to stand strong:

HARDWICK: “I worked with Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra. Zombies? Yawn. It’s like a nap, only I’m decapitating humans who turned into monsters.”

One of the more strangely effective weapons against the zombies was Michele Boyd giving them a stern glare, in which case the zombies thought better of their unthinking, unending hunger, and went the other way:

BOYD: “I think you zombies had better turn around.”

ZOMBIES: “We believe Michele had a point.”

The man in the black mask cackled, and stood on the shoulders of two zombies, and rushed to attack the crowd. With a deep breath, Felecia Day climbed into the mechanized robot suit that was sitting backstage and yelled: “Get away from my awards show, you bitch!”

DAY: “What? In this economy, it was cheaper taking the mechanized robot suit to the show than a limousine. And if I rent it again, I get a third use free! W00t!”

The man in the black mask fell backwards. Taryn O’Neill, moderately displeased, stood over the man.

Above: Taryn, moderately displeased.

Taryn (who just so happened to direct our latest episode, subtle plug, subtle) said: “Let’s see who’s been causing all this zombie trouble at the Streamys!”

All of the valiant warriors/award show presenters backstage gasped when they saw who was behind the black mask:

ZUCKER: “…yeah, it’s me, Jeff Zucker.”

“But why?” Taryn asked, tying a noose quickly.

ZUCKER: “You guys were making such good shows, I was worried it would finally destroy all the horrible crap that television puts on. And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you damn kids. And your excellence in developing new media!”

Every one backstage sighed, because it was good to be referred to as a “kid” again.

ENGLUND: “For some of us, it’s been quite a while.”

But while they sighed, Jeff Zucker was able to throw a smoke bomb he must’ve hid somewhere on his body-we’re-not-thinking-about-that and escaped.

The show ended, and most people milled out.

JENNI: “I told myself I was going to go an entire weekend without having to dispose of zombie corpses. This is worse than high school.”

…and the zombie threat disappeared forever. Well, at least until the Grammys.

POST SCRIPT:

JOSS: “You’ll notice, none of this zombie crap went down when I was there. Just sayin’.”