The NFL Draft features all the excitement of college-aged men in suits being handed an ugly mesh t-shirt. As a participant in an activity that has even more glitz, glamour, money and prestige than professional football (ghost hunting) I was proud to be invited to the first ever Ghost Hunting Draft. I’m not exactly sure how I got there: the last thing I remember was sitting on my couch drinking, and then I was at the draft in a crisp suit. (Moreover: the suit was crisp from being dry-cleaned, not crisp from liquid stains that weren’t cleaned up. Believe me: I know the difference.) I might’ve been taken there by a cab, I might’ve been taken there on the wings of a mighty wyvern, regardless: I still had bills in my pocket when I got there, so I must not’ve had to pay much.

Without further adieu or schtick, this is a recap of the first two rounds. As usual, the draft commentators were Mel Kiper, Chris Berman, and A Ghost Of Someone Who Was Murdered, But Won’t Say How It Happened, Or Who Did It.

With the first pick in the Annual Ghost Hunting Draft, “Ghost Hunters” on Syfy selects…

Jesus.

UPSIDE: Can see the entire place you’re ghost hunting at any time. A natural born leader. Also: if there’s anyone that’s a really cool ghost, he can bring them back to life.

DOWNSIDE: If he brings everyone back to life, there’s no one left to ghost hunt. Plus: you didn’t bring enough food for all these resurrected folks.

“I came back from the dead, and you didn’t even leave a burger for me.”

“This is good value at this pick, but Genghis Khan or R2D2 would’ve also been good value, and fulfilled a team need.”

“No one circles the wagons like the Ghost Hunters.”

“The kitchen. By the keyhole. In the sunlight. I will always love you.”

With the second selection in the Ghost Hunting Entry Draft, “Paranormal State” selects…

Olivia Wilde.

“In a division with Kris Williams—”

“–you have to find some way to counteract that, so you find a celebrity that vaguely resembles her. It’s a good value you pick, because you can’t get pre-’Me, Myself & Irene’ Renee Zelweger.”

Above: And if you could, you’d have to explain to people: “Um, yes… so, this is what I used the time machine for. Sorry about like, not seeing dinosaurs, or killing Hitler and stuff. But she’s cute, right?”

“No one circles the wagons like Paranormal State.”

“Ooooooh… oooooooooooooooh… if this were a horror movie, you wouldn’t think to really search the one place I keep appearing until at least midway through the second act!”

UPSIDE:

Olivia Wilde, despite looking similar, is sort of the anti-Kris Williams. They were both created at the Institute For the Development Of Intelligent and Socially Conscious Yet Beautiful Women.

Which shut down during the recession. Why didn’t we bail these guys out?

…but they couldn’t be more different.  A comparison:

Wikipedia says:  “she took an internship at a local radio station where she worked the soundboards and performed some broadcasting.”

A Man in a Mental Ward says:

“Olivia seduced the three of us, and got us to try to kill each other.”

“Aww, thanks for the roses! They’re sweet! You know what would be even sweeter? Murder.”

–is usually in bed by 10 PM.

That’s usually about the same time Olivia Wilde is ripping off the head of the first male she’s mated with that evening.

“If the bed’s a rocking, don’t come a knocking. Seriously. Decapitations are like sex: fun to watch, but only if you don’t know the two people involved very well.”

Her upside also includes: “House” and “Alpha Dog.”

DOWNSIDE:

Pretty much everything else on her IMDB page. “Turistas” sucks so much, it can be used as a cheaper vacuum cleaner.

“Hmm… Turistas DVD isn’t getting the stain out by itself. Better put on the commentary track.”

With the third pick in the Ghost Hunting Entry Draft, “Ghost Adventures” selects…

Satan.

“Great value on this pick. Really came on at the combine. He scored a perfect on the Wonderlic test, then sent his examiner to Hell. In a division with Jesus, you have to be able to match-up.”

“Nobody circles the wagons like… wait, what the hell is ‘Ghost Adventures’?  It sounds something R.L. Stine wrote in fifteen minutes while hungover.”

“Oooh… oooh… I’m not saying who killed me, but maybe you should totally look into my ex, or at least stop sleeping with them. Just saying.”

UPSIDE:

He’s the father of lies, so he’d probably be able to help you get a ghost hunting show on an NBC based property, like Syfy.

“I wish I hadn’t returned Leno’s calls.”

He can also command an army of demons and foul creatures, which could come in handy.

“It says here… I’m riding five ghost hunters to the hunt, and… we’re going to stop for pizza on the way! I’m buying!”

DOWNSIDE:

When a member of your ghost hunting team commands the undead, the hunt sort of changes a bit.

“Hey, on the call sheet, someone crossed off “Ghost Hunt” and wrote in “Human” who did that?

“We felt it was appropriate.”

“Oh. Do you have any steroids? I’m almost out.”

With the fourth pick of the first round of the Ghost Hunting Entry Draft, “Bumps in the Night” selects…

Josh Gates.

“This is great value at this pick. Because I just want to run his hand through his hair so much, because his is organic, and mine is like if a rub were designed by Tupperware. Luckily no one heard that, because I’m sure we went to commercial… right?”

“No one circles the wagons like… li-li-li-li-li WARNING MALFUNCTION BERMAN BOT MALF–“

“Bumps in the Night couldn’t find a ghost if they died, became one, and tried touching themselves.”

UPSIDE:

Awesomeness. To look at Josh is to have sex with him. For you, not for him. When he looks at you, it’s him knowing he could have sex with you, but doesn’t.

Above: Josh, knowing he could have sex with you.

DOWNSIDE:

Icarus flew too close to the sun. And it’s dangerous for any human being to be this handsome.

“Sure, my skin’s melting and I’m going to die, but it was worth it to touch Josh.”

“Dude, all I did was touch your hand.”

“…and I’ll never wash it again. But, largely because I’m dying.”

JOHN NOTE: “Greg… none of this happened. You passed out after drinking that screwdriver mix that had been in your trunk for at least two months.”

“So… it was all a dream, and not a supernatural experience?”

“Of course it wasn’t! It… well, now that you mention it, it certainly wasn’t a normal experience.”