This weekend brought us the critical success of the Michael Bay produced “Nightmare on Elm Street” remake, (which was neither “critical” nor a “success,” although it perfectly captured how disfigured someone would be if they wore the same ugly sweater since the ’80s.)

But it made enough money so as to not kick Bay out of Hollywood, so he’ll do more ’80s remakes. We found script scenes from his next one, a gritty remake of beloved cartoon and kick-ass NES game, “Ducktales.”

If they made it today, it would be the best episode of “Hoarders” ever.

We found the script pages around a local bar we were drinking at.

Above: Sure, it may look like the gates of hell, but the drinks were only four dollars for a Miller Chill. It’s a rough life, living in the valley.

We were shocked to find the script pages consisted of images lifted from Google Images with lines of dialogue scribbled beneath them… but then we realized: “Why the hell would a Michael Bay script be anything other than Google Images with short lines beneath them?”

Besides, Michael has lots of important stuff to do on Transformers 3:

Above: Her power is to transform from “Sex Symbol” to “Actress.” Kidding! The only “acting” here is done by her clothes, pretending they fit.

INT. WHATEVER THE HELL THIS THING IS CALLED – (MONEY PHALLUS?) – MORNING

Scrooge sits at his desk, counting money, surrounded by strippers.

“Money, power, chicks, either glasses or enormous nostrils at the end of my bill… I have it all.”

“You’re so much better than the guys on ‘Tale Spin.’”

“Unc S, we gotta talk.”

“Leave, bitches.”

“We took care of the thing like you said, but… your nephew is screwing up. He’s not earning. There are questions about him…”

“There’s questions about the three of you, like: ‘Why do you each look like like a egg with a colorful hat and a learning disability?’ And: ‘Why the hell don’t you wear any pants?’ And yet, no one does anything about you.”

“All due respect, from the bottom of my heart… they’re right, S. Your nephew’s screwing up. Something’s gotta be done.”

“Nobody does nothing till I say something. I gotta run errands. And Jesus, Paulie: it’s called the hair club for men. You have uglier wings than me, and I’m a damn bird.”

INT. SUV – AFTERNOON

“When I was in Hollywood, Uncle S, I saw that Lindsay Lohan. Total piece of ass.” *

* Actual Sopranos line.

“You’re on the junk again, aren’t you?”

“No, sir. I am clean. But I’d feel better if we could stop killing my girlfriends, though.”

“Like I’m going to agree to that.”

INT. RESTAURANT

Scrooge picks at a small fish, while his sister eats lasagna atop a bowl of spaghetti between two pizzas:

“You know… I don’t think Mom ever really loved me.”

“Of course not. Because you’re an incompetent leech who sucks all the life out of those around you, and then complains when they’re destroyed.”

“…what?”

“…I’ll just show myself out.”

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE

“Are you still suffering from panic attacks?”

“I’m a duck who runs a waste management company and a strip club. My life is a panic attack.”

“How’s work?”

“I have an employee who… might need to be fired. I have feelings for a fellow duck I can’t bring myself to share, it’s all… not easy.”

“Did you think about anything we talked about last week?”

“No. Whenever I think about what we talk about here, I either think wildly inappropriate sexual thoughts, or I have ridiculous dreams that intellectuals pretend are deep but are really just lazy padding of the story.” *

* Come on, you know it’s true.

“…”

“…I’ll just show myself out.”

INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT

Scrooge sits opposite a BEAUTIFUL FEMALE DUCK. He looks longingly into her eyes:

“I… really love you. You’re the prettiest duck I’ve ever met. But I’m married. But, I’m a duck, so… we have this thing called a ‘Comare,’ it’s where you’re the woman who I’m not married to, but still have sex with, and it’s perfectly okay.  Please… I’ve never seen a duck prettier than you…”

“No.”

“…damnit. This totally worked with Cameron Diaz.”

INT. SCROOGE MCDUCK’S HOME

“Hey, kids. How was your day?”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“So… that means you’re a complete screw-up, and you’re someone that’s inexplicably attractive, given your average looking parents?”

“Yeah.”

“Pretty much.”

“Scrooge, I need you to help me with the house I’m doing again.”

“Why couldn’t you just stick to something that’s less work for me? Like… hitting on my underling, Furio?”

“…”

“…I’ll just show myself out.”

INT. UNCLE JUNIOR’S HOUSE

“I’m kinda glad I didn’t kill you in the first season. But I am glad I shot you later… when I was, of course, having a ’senior moment,’ and didn’t mean to do it.”

“You know, when I’m sitting with you, Uncle Jun, I can really see the family resemblance.”

“Junior, dinner’s ready!”

“What is it?”

“Uhh… filet mignon.”

“…I’ll just show myself out. I’m going to go over to Artie’s, and order ‘Filet Mig-Incredibly Obese Italian Man.’”

“That was hurtful.”

INT. SCROOGE MCDUCK’S HOMEBASE, WHATEVER THAT THING IS

“You gotta make a decision, S.”

“Yeah, let us do it. We’ll make it humane. We won’t even use an icepick. That much.”

“Okay… send our best killer.”

INT. NEW HAMPSHIRE DINER

“These Johnnycakes are the best around.”

“I love you, Johnnycakes.”

“And I love you, too… oh my God, put the gun down!”

BANG! BANG!

“…bitches.”

INT. SUV

Christopher’s driving, Scrooge is contemplative in the passenger seat.

“Yeah, they found Donald’s body. You did the right thing, S.”

“…don’t stop… believing…”

“What’s that?”

“Nothing. Just this song I really, really hate.”