In 2003, Jim McGutty murdered his entire family. He shot his wife and two daughters with a .32 caliber shotgun. Now you can walk through the house for affordable rates!

Travel back to the magical land of 2003, to see how we lived then. Our historic tours are perfect for couples, or honeymoons. Why go to Cancun, or Hawaii? Have a honeymoon that you’ll be talking about for a long time.

Should you make it out! Mwa ha ha!

Kids love it, too! Kids today, too much time with video games, and going outside. Teach them something about history, and about their local, somewhere-in-the-valley heritage.

FUN KIDZ QUIZ:

Q: How many of Jim McGutty’s kids managed to crawl next door to the neighbors?

A: It’s a trick question. None of them. Although, police did eventually find pieces of brain matter.

CAPTION: We had the best time at the McGutty Murder House! It was like Chuck E. Cheese, meets Lasertag… where someone died horrifically. (NOTE: CUT “CAPTION”)

LOWEST PRICES OF THE SEASON!

(Note: Death is always in season.)

$25

SPEND AN HOUR IN THE LIVING ROOM!

Jim McGutty killed his family with a shotgun. Now, for the low low low price of $25, you can stand where he did. Where would you line up your shots?

Plastic shotguns to play with for an extra $15. Real bullets for an extra $30! We’re kidding… (wink.) Seriously, we’re kidding.

$35

BUYS AN HOUR IN THE DEN!

Also known as the “Devil’s Den,” the “Demon’s Den,” or sometimes even “The Den,” it’s where Jim McGutty said demons spoke to him!

NOTE: HOPEFULLY, THIS IMAGE ISN’T COPYRIGHTED. IF SO, FIND ANOTHER REAPER

Not actual size.

$5 buys headphones with what a demon may sound like, if it spoke through headphones:

What will the demons say to you? (NOTE: If it’s kill your family, please don’t listen.)

GET AN HOUR IN THE WHOLE HOUSE FOR $50!

…so come on down to McGutty Murder House… where you’ll have the time of your life! Or of your murder!

We were able to get an exclusive interview with Luigi, who told us all about he and his brother’s ghost-hunting career.

LUIGI:
“In the early years, we didn’t have too many verifiable experiences.”

TOAD:
“Umm… Maybe the ghost is in another castle.”

LUIGI:
“Our first compelling evidence came during the investigation into four spirits that were haunting a local Political Action Committee director.”

“In our experience, if you look a ghost straight in the eye, it can’t do anything to you.”

“…Yeah, no.”

We identified the malignant spirits, and actually caught them on camera. From left to right: Clyde, Inky, Blinky, Pinky

CLYDE:
“I’m adopted, right? Seriously, you guys can tell me.”

“We got rid of the ghosts, but I had to go into power-pellet detox for a month.”

LUIGI:
“Much has been said about our expedition to Skull Island with Josh Gates.”

“Expedia.com didn’t have service to Skull Island, so we had to charter a boat.”

LUIGI:
“The natives had built a giant wall to contain some kind of monster.”

LUIGI:
“And they kidnapped Peach to offer to the monster as a sacrifice.”

LUIGI:
“Ultimately, my brother was able to rescue her.”

LUIGI:
“Once, Mario even became a ghost to try to try to infiltrate the spirit world from the inside.”

MARIO:
“Lemme have a cranberry juice.”

“What, are you on your period?”

LUIGI:
“That didn’t really end well for anyone.”

LUIGI:
“Some of our lighter moments? Once, Mario thought he saw the ghost of Bobby Ewing.”

LUIGI:
“But it turned out to be just a dream.”

LUIGI:
“Also, this doesn’t really have anything to do with ghost hunting, but there is a weird dude running around impersonating me. If you see him, please alert your local authorities.”

“Damnit. This is why I wrote-in Stalin in ’08.”

But a picture taken during the President’s press conference reveals a curious thing…

ABOVE: The rat in the lower right corner.

ALSO: The podium fits around the President like a large Kuribo’s Shoe. Yes, we went there.

CNN heard a report that the rat was off to tell his co-workers on Wall Street that financial reform had passed.

Also, poor Jessica said she had been tortured so badly she lost the “G” at the end of her name, and could only whisper: “Wolf Blitzer… you’re my only hope.”

Now, we don’t really know anything about politics except what we read in Jason Hawes’ twitter account:

Actual Tweet: Census shouldn’t ask our race,Race makes no difference.All they need 2 know is were here,ready to defend and paying taxes.lol

In the immortal words of Abraham Lincoln: “Lol indeed, sir. Lol indeed.”

But, since we are interested in horrific creatures showing up at signing ceremonies –

“Since I have to sign so many, I’m just going to write “fhtagn” on each book.”

So we compiled  a list of some historic signing ceremonies, and the animals that interrupted them:

1778, United States

ANIMAL: Bald Eagle

Benedict Arnold was one of the soldiers who took the first “Oath of Allegiance” as a sign of loyalty to the United States.

If you look very carefully, you can see his fingers crossed behind his back.

According to legend, when he took the oath, a nearby Bald Eagle shed a solitary tear. Of course, that may be because the soldiers were celebrating the oath by roasting it.

“We crossed the Susquehanna on a raft in the winter. I think we’re entitled to meat, however we can get it.”

1938, Munich

ANIMAL: Rat

Neville Chamberlain proved conclusively he did not have a time travel device by signing a peace agreement with Hitler.

The rat is in the lower left corner. On audio recordings, it very clearly says: “You have to be s#!!%ng me.”

ABOVE: “There will be peace in our time…” and profoundly uncomfortable silences. As well as: the worst facial hair in recorded history.

ABOVE: Too ugly a beard to be recorded by history. ALSO: Allowed slacker, ugly dudes to grow the worst beard imaginable and then say: “Hey ladies! I look just like Brad Pitt! Ladies… lad…ies…?”

1984, Spain

ANIMAL: Ennui

Press conference of Miguel Boyer y Joaquín Almunia Miguel Boyer, minister of Economy, and Joaquín Almunia, minister of Work.

…So, as you can see, the Minister of Economy, and the Minister of Work clearly don’t get along. Which means… “work” and “economics” don’t get along…. Which means… yes, it’s OK you sit on your couch and don’t try to get a job.

1998 – San Diego, California.

ANIMAL: Wasp

If you look very closely, you can see a wasp circling at Ryan Leaf’s signing:

Scientists believe this is the only time that anything associated with Ryan Leaf hit it’s intended target.

1776, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

ANIMAL: Purple bats that fly through walls that are melting

The Constitution wasn’t written on hemp paper. It was drafted on hemp paper.  This was because Benjamin Franklin took the heroin paper that it was brainstormed on.

“I smoked some, and traded the rest of the first draft of the Constitution for, like most things, high-end prostitutes. Admittedly, there might’ve been a better use for the perpetual motion machine I invented.”

But it made enough money so as to not kick Bay out of Hollywood, so he’ll do more ’80s remakes. We found script scenes from his next one, a gritty remake of beloved cartoon and kick-ass NES game, “Ducktales.”

If they made it today, it would be the best episode of “Hoarders” ever.

We found the script pages around a local bar we were drinking at.

Above: Sure, it may look like the gates of hell, but the drinks were only four dollars for a Miller Chill. It’s a rough life, living in the valley.

We were shocked to find the script pages consisted of images lifted from Google Images with lines of dialogue scribbled beneath them… but then we realized: “Why the hell would a Michael Bay script be anything other than Google Images with short lines beneath them?”

Besides, Michael has lots of important stuff to do on Transformers 3:

Above: Her power is to transform from “Sex Symbol” to “Actress.” Kidding! The only “acting” here is done by her clothes, pretending they fit.

INT. WHATEVER THE HELL THIS THING IS CALLED – (MONEY PHALLUS?) – MORNING

Scrooge sits at his desk, counting money, surrounded by strippers.

“Money, power, chicks, either glasses or enormous nostrils at the end of my bill… I have it all.”

“You’re so much better than the guys on ‘Tale Spin.’”

“Unc S, we gotta talk.”

“Leave, bitches.”

“We took care of the thing like you said, but… your nephew is screwing up. He’s not earning. There are questions about him…”

“There’s questions about the three of you, like: ‘Why do you each look like like a egg with a colorful hat and a learning disability?’ And: ‘Why the hell don’t you wear any pants?’ And yet, no one does anything about you.”

“All due respect, from the bottom of my heart… they’re right, S. Your nephew’s screwing up. Something’s gotta be done.”

“Nobody does nothing till I say something. I gotta run errands. And Jesus, Paulie: it’s called the hair club for men. You have uglier wings than me, and I’m a damn bird.”

INT. SUV – AFTERNOON

“When I was in Hollywood, Uncle S, I saw that Lindsay Lohan. Total piece of ass.” *

* Actual Sopranos line.

“You’re on the junk again, aren’t you?”

“No, sir. I am clean. But I’d feel better if we could stop killing my girlfriends, though.”

“Like I’m going to agree to that.”

INT. RESTAURANT

Scrooge picks at a small fish, while his sister eats lasagna atop a bowl of spaghetti between two pizzas:

“You know… I don’t think Mom ever really loved me.”

“Of course not. Because you’re an incompetent leech who sucks all the life out of those around you, and then complains when they’re destroyed.”

“…what?”

“…I’ll just show myself out.”

INT. PSYCHIATRIST’S OFFICE

“Are you still suffering from panic attacks?”

“I’m a duck who runs a waste management company and a strip club. My life is a panic attack.”

“How’s work?”

“I have an employee who… might need to be fired. I have feelings for a fellow duck I can’t bring myself to share, it’s all… not easy.”

“Did you think about anything we talked about last week?”

“No. Whenever I think about what we talk about here, I either think wildly inappropriate sexual thoughts, or I have ridiculous dreams that intellectuals pretend are deep but are really just lazy padding of the story.” *

* Come on, you know it’s true.

“…”

“…I’ll just show myself out.”

INT. ITALIAN RESTAURANT

Scrooge sits opposite a BEAUTIFUL FEMALE DUCK. He looks longingly into her eyes:

“I… really love you. You’re the prettiest duck I’ve ever met. But I’m married. But, I’m a duck, so… we have this thing called a ‘Comare,’ it’s where you’re the woman who I’m not married to, but still have sex with, and it’s perfectly okay.  Please… I’ve never seen a duck prettier than you…”

“No.”

“…damnit. This totally worked with Cameron Diaz.”

INT. SCROOGE MCDUCK’S HOME

“Hey, kids. How was your day?”

“Fine.”

“Fine.”

“So… that means you’re a complete screw-up, and you’re someone that’s inexplicably attractive, given your average looking parents?”

“Yeah.”

“Pretty much.”

“Scrooge, I need you to help me with the house I’m doing again.”

“Why couldn’t you just stick to something that’s less work for me? Like… hitting on my underling, Furio?”

“…”

“…I’ll just show myself out.”

INT. UNCLE JUNIOR’S HOUSE

“I’m kinda glad I didn’t kill you in the first season. But I am glad I shot you later… when I was, of course, having a ’senior moment,’ and didn’t mean to do it.”

“You know, when I’m sitting with you, Uncle Jun, I can really see the family resemblance.”

“Junior, dinner’s ready!”

“What is it?”

“Uhh… filet mignon.”

“…I’ll just show myself out. I’m going to go over to Artie’s, and order ‘Filet Mig-Incredibly Obese Italian Man.’”

“That was hurtful.”

INT. SCROOGE MCDUCK’S HOMEBASE, WHATEVER THAT THING IS

“You gotta make a decision, S.”

“Yeah, let us do it. We’ll make it humane. We won’t even use an icepick. That much.”

“Okay… send our best killer.”

INT. NEW HAMPSHIRE DINER

“These Johnnycakes are the best around.”

“I love you, Johnnycakes.”

“And I love you, too… oh my God, put the gun down!”

BANG! BANG!

“…bitches.”

INT. SUV

Christopher’s driving, Scrooge is contemplative in the passenger seat.

“Yeah, they found Donald’s body. You did the right thing, S.”

“…don’t stop… believing…”

“What’s that?”

“Nothing. Just this song I really, really hate.”

–

“24″ Season 4:

A plague of locusts lays siege to the city of Valencia, CA.

CTU believes that “one of 3 Middle Eastern Countries” is responsible for the attack. We won’t say which one.

It turns out that known terrorist, Imhotep, “wants to rid the world of the disbelieving crowd of democracy-supporters to be able to enforce his tyrannic dictatorship.”

And he knows the only man who can hope to stop him is…

Jack breaks up with… someone… because he needs to focus more on work. Who was he dating this season? (Take your pick, we fast-forward those scenes anyway)

The next day, at CTU:

“There’s a big sand cloud outside. It says it will only talk to Jack.”

“…Now isn’t really a good time.”

“…”

“I think it’s important.”

“Join me, Jack, and I’ll use the Book of the Dead to resurrect…”

“…your dead wife!”

“Yes, I’ll join you. I know I’ve pretended to betray CTU in the past, but this time I’m really betraying them.”

Imhotep and his army of terrorist followers plan a final strike against the U.S.

But it turns out that Jack was lying to Imhotep all along: he tells CTU the location of Imhotep’s secret base.

A full contingent of CTU agents converge on Imhotep’s secret base.

Tony Almeida is killed in the ensuing battle, sending Jack into a frenzied rage.

CTU Agent Dana Walsh arrives just in time to read aloud an incantation from the book of Amon-Ra, rendering Imhotep mortal once more.

And Jack promptly sends Imhotep back to the afterlife. Permanently.

EPILOGUE:

Tony is moved to a better hospital where his condition is upgraded to “alive.”

Dana Walsh disappears into thin air. Because she was an angel. Or a ghost. Or something.

The future looks bright for Jack, until…

…his daughter Kim is KIDNAPPED!

–

And there you have it. Thank you, “24,” for eight very implausible days. And thank you, Jack Bauer: A day without you yelling “Mr. President!” is like a day without sunshine.

Without further adieu or schtick, this is a recap of the first two rounds. As usual, the draft commentators were Mel Kiper, Chris Berman, and A Ghost Of Someone Who Was Murdered, But Won’t Say How It Happened, Or Who Did It.

With the first pick in the Annual Ghost Hunting Draft, “Ghost Hunters” on Syfy selects…

Jesus.

UPSIDE: Can see the entire place you’re ghost hunting at any time. A natural born leader. Also: if there’s anyone that’s a really cool ghost, he can bring them back to life.

DOWNSIDE: If he brings everyone back to life, there’s no one left to ghost hunt. Plus: you didn’t bring enough food for all these resurrected folks.

“I came back from the dead, and you didn’t even leave a burger for me.”

“This is good value at this pick, but Genghis Khan or R2D2 would’ve also been good value, and fulfilled a team need.”

“No one circles the wagons like the Ghost Hunters.”

“The kitchen. By the keyhole. In the sunlight. I will always love you.”

With the second selection in the Ghost Hunting Entry Draft, “Paranormal State” selects…

Olivia Wilde.

“In a division with Kris Williams—”

“–you have to find some way to counteract that, so you find a celebrity that vaguely resembles her. It’s a good value you pick, because you can’t get pre-’Me, Myself & Irene’ Renee Zelweger.”

Above: And if you could, you’d have to explain to people: “Um, yes… so, this is what I used the time machine for. Sorry about like, not seeing dinosaurs, or killing Hitler and stuff. But she’s cute, right?”

“No one circles the wagons like Paranormal State.”

“Ooooooh… oooooooooooooooh… if this were a horror movie, you wouldn’t think to really search the one place I keep appearing until at least midway through the second act!”

UPSIDE:

Olivia Wilde, despite looking similar, is sort of the anti-Kris Williams. They were both created at the Institute For the Development Of Intelligent and Socially Conscious Yet Beautiful Women.

Which shut down during the recession. Why didn’t we bail these guys out?

…but they couldn’t be more different.  A comparison:

Wikipedia says:  “she took an internship at a local radio station where she worked the soundboards and performed some broadcasting.”

A Man in a Mental Ward says:

“Olivia seduced the three of us, and got us to try to kill each other.”

“Aww, thanks for the roses! They’re sweet! You know what would be even sweeter? Murder.”

–is usually in bed by 10 PM.

That’s usually about the same time Olivia Wilde is ripping off the head of the first male she’s mated with that evening.

“If the bed’s a rocking, don’t come a knocking. Seriously. Decapitations are like sex: fun to watch, but only if you don’t know the two people involved very well.”

Her upside also includes: “House” and “Alpha Dog.”

DOWNSIDE:

Pretty much everything else on her IMDB page. “Turistas” sucks so much, it can be used as a cheaper vacuum cleaner.

“Hmm… Turistas DVD isn’t getting the stain out by itself. Better put on the commentary track.”

With the third pick in the Ghost Hunting Entry Draft, “Ghost Adventures” selects…

Satan.

“Great value on this pick. Really came on at the combine. He scored a perfect on the Wonderlic test, then sent his examiner to Hell. In a division with Jesus, you have to be able to match-up.”

“Nobody circles the wagons like… wait, what the hell is ‘Ghost Adventures’?  It sounds something R.L. Stine wrote in fifteen minutes while hungover.”

“Oooh… oooh… I’m not saying who killed me, but maybe you should totally look into my ex, or at least stop sleeping with them. Just saying.”

UPSIDE:

He’s the father of lies, so he’d probably be able to help you get a ghost hunting show on an NBC based property, like Syfy.

“I wish I hadn’t returned Leno’s calls.”

He can also command an army of demons and foul creatures, which could come in handy.

“It says here… I’m riding five ghost hunters to the hunt, and… we’re going to stop for pizza on the way! I’m buying!”

DOWNSIDE:

When a member of your ghost hunting team commands the undead, the hunt sort of changes a bit.

“Hey, on the call sheet, someone crossed off “Ghost Hunt” and wrote in “Human” who did that?

“We felt it was appropriate.”

“Oh. Do you have any steroids? I’m almost out.”

With the fourth pick of the first round of the Ghost Hunting Entry Draft, “Bumps in the Night” selects…

Josh Gates.

“This is great value at this pick. Because I just want to run his hand through his hair so much, because his is organic, and mine is like if a rub were designed by Tupperware. Luckily no one heard that, because I’m sure we went to commercial… right?”

“No one circles the wagons like… li-li-li-li-li WARNING MALFUNCTION BERMAN BOT MALF–“

“Bumps in the Night couldn’t find a ghost if they died, became one, and tried touching themselves.”

UPSIDE:

Awesomeness. To look at Josh is to have sex with him. For you, not for him. When he looks at you, it’s him knowing he could have sex with you, but doesn’t.

Above: Josh, knowing he could have sex with you.

DOWNSIDE:

Icarus flew too close to the sun. And it’s dangerous for any human being to be this handsome.

“Sure, my skin’s melting and I’m going to die, but it was worth it to touch Josh.”

“Dude, all I did was touch your hand.”

“…and I’ll never wash it again. But, largely because I’m dying.”

JOHN NOTE: “Greg… none of this happened. You passed out after drinking that screwdriver mix that had been in your trunk for at least two months.”

“So… it was all a dream, and not a supernatural experience?”

“Of course it wasn’t! It… well, now that you mention it, it certainly wasn’t a normal experience.”

Above: Straight Pimpin’ Observers. You know it’s a good night when you get your landlord drunk.

You may have heard some things went wrong at the show, that not everything went according to plan.

Above; Similar example of “Not Quite According to Plan.” Irony: the Hindenburg, when it exploded, was on it’s way to “The Most Tricked Out Blimp Awards, 1932.” The award went, for the 20th’s year in a row, to Ex-President Taft.

Above: Burp.

Anyway, so things didn’t go perfectly at the Streamys. But one thing did go perfect. One thing did go absolutely a hundred percent right:

Absolutely no zombies made it out onto stage.

Let me say that again: Absolutely not a single zombie made it from the backstage area to the stage, or the audience.

No ticket. Or press pass. Or friends whose brains hadn’t been eaten to get them into the show. Also: the dress code this year called for “No Bloodstains.” A big step up from the year before.

So, when judged on a “Did Zombies Kill and Eat Everyone at the Streamy Awards?” scale, the Streamys were the biggest success ever. Let’s see the Grammys say that.

“100% Zombie Attack Free since… well, last Sunday.”

Since we were there, we thought we’d talk about what went down on Sunday. Early on in the show, many people reported seeing a figure in a black mask running around backstage, and apparently yelling charming things like: “You’re all going to die!”

Above: The black mask the man wore. It says: “You Don’t Know My Real Identity” and “Clearly, I Did Not Have a Ticket to the After Party.”

…but, no one made a big deal of this. And why should they? It’s the Streamys! This is the internet! Having someone yell death threats is part of the job. It’d be like going through the whole day without someone saying something offensive: it doesn’t happen on the internet.

We’re not sure how this masked figure was able to get a zombie apocalypse started in a public place.

Above: Yes we are. Not to be too critical, but next year, we sincerely hope the Streamys is not sponsored by “Ray-X Mysterious Green Ooze Goop: For All Your “I Hope It’s Not That Radioactive” Needs.”

The zombies first reared their heads by eating through the cords to the video screen, and messing up the tape. This was during the “How to Get a Streamy Nomination” video.

ZOMBIES: “The ‘How to Get a Streamy Nomination’ video offends us. We have very delicate sensibilities when it comes to light satire.”

So, valiantly, the first group to do battle with them were the Streamy Craft Winners, which is why they were unable to come out for a long period of time.

(They were powered by the most blessed of all things – the open bar from the craft show.)

Of course the host and the Fine Brothers told people there was a tape problem! What did you want them to say? The truth?

FIG 1:

ANNOUNCER: “Excuse me, everyone, there’s been an outbreak of zombie attacks backstage. Everyone stay in your seats, nothing is wrong, particularly nothing zombie related.”

FIG 2:

People not panicking and staying in their seats.

But then, the craft winners were able to kill enough zombies to unlock the achievement: “Able to go out on stage.”

Now, you may hear some people dispute this, and say that there were no zombie attacks at the Streamys. That they were able to go backstage and didn’t see any zombies whatsoever. But, that can be credited to the amazing corpse clean-up skills of superstar web producer Jenni Powell.

JENNI: “I’ve worked on ‘Bumps in the Night,’ ‘The Guild,’ and ‘Lonelygirl15.’ I think I’m a little familiar with cleaning up corpses, thank you very much.”

Many of the presenters and stars worked together to stop the zombie menace. At one point, it looked like the end for Kevin Pollak. He screamed as a zombie grabbed him–

POLLAK: “I didn’t scream. I’m Kevin Pollak, I don’t scream: I sigh, in agitation.”

Anyway, the zombie looked around, and bit into Kevin’s flesh…! Or rather, was about to, when the zombie made a fatal mistake: it forgot to look down. David Faustino took the zombie out with a rising uppercut punch.

FAUSTINO: “I was going to yell ‘Shoryuken!’ but after all the ‘nerd’ jokes earlier in the evening that would’ve been too much.”

Robert Englund watched all the zombie killing with a tired sigh, and went about killing the starstruck monsters.

ENGLUND: “I’m covered in blood, and it’s only Sunday night. Jeez.”

About two hours into the show, the zombies, after having been stymied all night, made a concerted push to get out onto the stage. But the Sklar Brothers were able to kill some zombies by activating their Wonder Twin powers.

SKLAR BROTHERS: “After careful consideration, we left Gleek at home. ”

Late in the show, Chris Hardwick was attacked and violated by the thumb of a zombie sympathizer, but he was able to stand strong:

HARDWICK: “I worked with Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra. Zombies? Yawn. It’s like a nap, only I’m decapitating humans who turned into monsters.”

One of the more strangely effective weapons against the zombies was Michele Boyd giving them a stern glare, in which case the zombies thought better of their unthinking, unending hunger, and went the other way:

BOYD: “I think you zombies had better turn around.”

ZOMBIES: “We believe Michele had a point.”

The man in the black mask cackled, and stood on the shoulders of two zombies, and rushed to attack the crowd. With a deep breath, Felecia Day climbed into the mechanized robot suit that was sitting backstage and yelled: “Get away from my awards show, you bitch!”

DAY: “What? In this economy, it was cheaper taking the mechanized robot suit to the show than a limousine. And if I rent it again, I get a third use free! W00t!”

The man in the black mask fell backwards. Taryn O’Neill, moderately displeased, stood over the man.

Above: Taryn, moderately displeased.

Taryn (who just so happened to direct our latest episode, subtle plug, subtle) said: “Let’s see who’s been causing all this zombie trouble at the Streamys!”

All of the valiant warriors/award show presenters backstage gasped when they saw who was behind the black mask:

ZUCKER: “…yeah, it’s me, Jeff Zucker.”

“But why?” Taryn asked, tying a noose quickly.

ZUCKER: “You guys were making such good shows, I was worried it would finally destroy all the horrible crap that television puts on. And I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you damn kids. And your excellence in developing new media!”

Every one backstage sighed, because it was good to be referred to as a “kid” again.

ENGLUND: “For some of us, it’s been quite a while.”

But while they sighed, Jeff Zucker was able to throw a smoke bomb he must’ve hid somewhere on his body-we’re-not-thinking-about-that and escaped.

The show ended, and most people milled out.

JENNI: “I told myself I was going to go an entire weekend without having to dispose of zombie corpses. This is worse than high school.”

…and the zombie threat disappeared forever. Well, at least until the Grammys.

POST SCRIPT:

JOSS: “You’ll notice, none of this zombie crap went down when I was there. Just sayin’.”

Occasionally, you come across a picture so frightening you’re filled with an overwhelming sense of terror. But then, you put your prom photo away, and come across a ghost picture.

(NOTE: Since this is a blog, many of you/us didn’t go to prom, so the rimshot joke above may work. Insert “Your Mom,” “Your Dad,” “Your Lover,” or “All of the Above,” then give thanks to whatever deity you worship that you only read this blog and don’t write it. Then, continue reading.)

We’ve all taken pictures we can’t explain, but usually the only ghosts haunting those photos are “booze” and “regret.” We here at “Bumps in the Night” wanted to investigate the most frightening ghost pictures in the world, and we did it in the most frightening way possible: typing “Ghost” into Google Images.  (Or, “Topeka Images,” depending on when you read this, and what your tolerance for small jokes is. Considering you’re reading this… you probably have a pretty large tolerance for such things.)

These are the true stories behind each of the most haunted photos ever taken. (And that fit onto “Page 1” of our search.)  If I couldn’t figure out the explanation of the picture (or, the explanation was simply too terrifying) I revealed some of what the object of the picture was thinking and/or feeling.

NOTE: If you took these pictures, and they’re very special to you… we’re sorry, please don’t write letters. As people who put things on the internet, let us say in all seriousness: if there’s something you feel passionate about, or sensitive about… please don’t put it on the internet. Some jackass could make fun of it. (Or, do send letters, we may need a cheap set-up for a later blog post.)

Here, the ghost of someone’s thumbprint smudge waits for the clue train to arrive.

Grandma rides her Hoveround from beyond the grave to say… “Why can’t you even work the focus on your camera?”

Rudy, the least popular Nazgul wraith from Lord of the Rings, had to stay home while the other Nazgul searched for the one ring because they played a horrible prank with his laundry, putting it in with Sarumon’s robe and socks. Hazing is always bad.

So it turns out you can smoke too much weed.

Mom’s ghost is livid that she didn’t teach her son how to photoshop better. Also: Mom’s ghost ain’t in this picture.

The only thing haunting this picture is the racism of someone who must’ve seen a black person for the first time and thought: “Oh my God! It must be a ghost!”

OH MY GOD YOU WOULDN’T BELIEVE THIS GUY’S GAS WHICH CIRCLE OF HELL IS THIS DON’T KILL OTHERS FOLLOW THE COMMANDMENTS WHAT DID THIS GUY EAT

Come with me! The afterlife is nothing but really bad Iron Maiden rip-off artwork!

Uhhh… so, the ghost cleverly disguised itself as, umm… nothing at all, right?

Or is this some existential thing of: “You don’t understand, man… it’s a ghost bike.”

DEER: “Um, Mr. Photographer Person, if you really think that white blob behind me is a ghost, you’re dumber than I am, and my species exists solely to jump in front of traffic or get shot by bored people. And those are the dominant genetic traits that get passed on.”

NOTE: This photo was allegedly taken in a Romanian hotel.

I died in this Romanian Hotel 1283 years ago. I still haven’t gotten the room service I ordered. See if I ever come back here… or, uh, leave.

You bit me, didn’t you? It is SO ON now… except, for, uh, my leg. Can you give it back? Oh, you already chewed? Uhh… never mind then.

But, the revenge, it’s on.

If only Dmitri had known that he would have to wear them for eternity, he never would’ve gone out in his dance shoes.

… yeah, maybe I should’ve put a couple bucks in the collection plate after all.

Tom moved so fast that he only appeared to people as a blur. It was great for impressing the ladies… but once they took Tom upstairs, they were considerably less than impressed.

Finally, something truly terrifying: a picture of Jennifer that doesn’t feature her boobs.

DOG: Uh, let me explain… I was just minding my business, and I totally didn’t do my business on the rug, but, uh, anyway, this evil smell came alive and it wasn’t my fault, so, yeah… treats for me?

“In the afterlife, I caught a fish… THIS BIG!”

To Henry, hell was not being picked for the kickball team. Then, Henry died, and went to hell. They didn’t want him on their kickball team, either.



Due to widespread interest in the “Gobo” phenomenon, we have produced a short PSA about how you can help.