Remember grammar school?  Some idiot kid would do something wrong and not get caught, but eventually someone found out that he’d had written “COCKS” on the board but no one would rat him out for fear of some kind of horrifically embarrassing recess reprisal?  And then you’d all get some mind-numbingly stupid punishment?

Yes, I’m talking about Apology Notes.  The stupid letter you’d have to write, apologizing for something you didn’t do, even when you argued about the social dynamics of ratting out a fellow student and how this punishment solved nothing.  And even though you stood up for Jimmy Salerno, that little shit still beat you up for being an egghead.

(I seriously hope he’s got some kind of nut cancer.)

Anyway, unlike most schooling, this skill has real, practical merit in the adult world: Not Going to Jail.

Most shows have “special thanks;” here at “Bumps in the Night,” we have “Apologies.”

Our first apology goes out to a man who smelled really bad and twinkles in the sun.  Matthew Mcconaughey, we had no idea our re-enactment scene would salt your smelly wounds, forgetting of course the incredibly forgettable comments your co-star Kate Hudson made on the eminently forgettable film “Fool’s Gold,” about your incredible body odor.  We apologize for inadvertently drawing attention to you, after Woody Harrelson took the two big roles you should have had this year (and sorry on your Oscar non-loss).  We just forgot about you, honestly.  Sorry about that.  We hope the not showering thing starts to work out for you soon, but until then, you do sparkle pretty good.  Maybe you should go talk to those Twitards about getting in on that action.

Even when he's wet he looks like he stinks, doesn't he?

Next, I’d like to apologize to people who think me using the word “Twitards” is offensive to mentally handicapped individuals.  I mean no disrespect…the term “Twitards” gets a lot of search traffic, as do the terms (as of this writing) “jesse james sandra bullock,” “barack hates this,” and “anna nicole smith” (Really, America, still?).  So, I apologize (because we need the traffic) but we here at NOGHOST understand that even the genuinely mentally handicapped people of this world think Twilight is retarded.

Finally, we apologize to cm Refrigeration in North Hollywood.  Greg and Emmett didn’t notice your business sign and NOGHOST spent several hours harassing your customers while investigating “cold spots.”  I would have made them leave sooner, but there are some nice bars in the area.  Also, I would totally have skipped this if you didn’t share an address with “Gun World Burbank,” so, seriously, I’m sorry, it won’t happen again even if I think it’s funny.

And now some personal, mini-apologies:

I would like to apologize to textsfromlastnight.com for repeatedly submitting this text I got from Greg on St. Patrick’s Day IN THE SAME ROOM AS HIM:
(402): if ghosts were boobs ive seen esactly noone.
(818): Would you still punch it in the fase?
(402): I’D PUNCH IT IN THE FASSSSSSSE!

…I also apologize for misspelling “face,” but hey, St. Patrick’s Day.  At least I woke up with pants on, you judgmental bitch.

Emmett wants to apologize to the lady at the Goodwill with the stoma, who he kept referring to as “EVP Woman” every time she talked.

Greg apologizes to the Hollywood Ghost Hunters’ Meetup, for “accidentally” setting the carpet on fire, in some ritual against ghosts that Emmett taught him.  I don’t think he was drunk at the time, but he was wearing a Hawaiian shirt that didn’t button all the way down.  So, two apologies.

We’d also apologize to that homeless goth kid Greg punched, but hell, he got a good shot back.  So, way to go, gobo.  Way to go.

That’s it for “Apologies,” see you next episode!  And if you think we owe you an apology, send us an e-mail at bitntv@gmail.com, because I’m sure I missed some.