Hey everyone! Emmett here! I want to do a dramatic reading of “Professor Intestine” but Mike’s busy with the camera this weekend. So, I uploaded some pictures to let you know what it looks like to listen to a reading.  Emphasis is emphasised where emphasized.

REMEMBER: The story is: Hemmett wanders the streets of hell, searching for Professor Intestine, who can tell him where his woman Calais is, what the secret of life his, and what happened to his Dad. (Answers: Around, somewhere in my notes, and booze.) Thanks for your input! ON TO THE STORY:

INT. STREET OF HELL, OUTSIDE – NO NAME STREET — AFTERNOON

Streets of molten fire, where the tar melts, and the only “Stop” signs are the blood in your bones boiling and shouting: “Please! I’m boiling!”

HEMMETT looks at where the street sign would be, and shakes his head, humming “Where the Streets Have No Name.” It’s a little joke for him, and the audience.

His pants are tight, like a boa constrictor, who wears really tight pants. His muscles are bulging, almost bulging with little muscles that want to show off how much they’ve been working out.

Caption: Artist rendering of “Hemmett” in formal evening wear.

Suddenly, a piercing shriek lights up the sky where only Hemmett can hear! It is CINDY, Hemmett’s most sorta okay woman of pleasure:

CINDY
Oh, Hemmett! I love you!

HEMMETT
The time for loving you is now. Always.

Hemmett grabs her and kisses her and holds her for an hour or so -

Disaster strikes! Like a pitcher who hurls lightning when thunder comes!

CINDY
Oh Hemmett! I love you! What is it? I’m so scared!

A MONSTER THE SIZE OF A HOUSE IN THE RAIN SUDDENLY TIES CINDY TO A CRANE AND DANGLES HER STORIES ABOVE THE STREET!

CINDY (CONT’D)
Oh Hemmett! I was afraid of that happening! I’m so unlucky in love! With you!

HEMMETT
Show yourself, monster! This cockblocking you do is a sin in the eyes of God!

Suddenly, a SHAPESHIFTER APPEARS!

SHAPESHIFTER
I’m a shapeshifter!

HEMMETT
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(NOTE: Emphasize 5th “o” to really make the line pop.)

SHAPESHIFTER
I can become anything you fear! Like–

HEMMETT
NOOOOOOOOO!

(NOTE: The line only works if you put an “umlat” over the third “o.” Otherwise, cut.)

SHAPESHIFTER
Or even…

HEMMETT
Nooooooooo!

(NOTE: He’s very scared here, so emphsaize all “O’s”)

CINDY
Oh, Hemmet! That was me! You were staring at me! I love you -

HEMMETT
I know. I wanted to give him the sweet whiff of my fear. Which he will never see.

SHAPESHIFTER
I’ll see your fear, and play with it on my face. I’ll show you my most hideous form -

HEMMETT
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(BREATH)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CINDY
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HEMMETT
Why are you yelling?

CINDY
Because you are!

HEMMETT
Good point! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SHAPESHIFTER
And now, I’ll show you the darkest terror of all…

– And that’s where I’m  not sure, folks. What is the darkest terror of all from the Shapeshifter? (And please, no notes of: “Don’t mention the darkest terror of all.” That’s not good. I think all the smart people in the room can agree that the scene doesn’t really make sense as a whole if it doesn’t end with the shapeshifter showing the “darkest terror of all.”) So, please, is it:

AND: then, what does Hemmett use to defeat this?

– Thanks! And tune in next time! Will Hemmett defeat the Shapeshifter? Will he lower his standards enough to actually touch Cindy for reals? And what is Professor Intestine hiding? (Answers: sure, sure, and not sure.)

GREG NOTE: Um, Emmett, I just read this… and all of it makes me feel uncomfortable.

JOHN NOTE: I agree, Greg… but, I just want you to remember this moment, so that you know what it’s like to be around you most of the time.

Thanks to Arielle Haze and Mike Dorwart for the photos.