REMEMBER: The story is: Hemmett wanders the streets of hell, searching for Professor Intestine, who can tell him where his woman Calais is, what the secret of life his, and what happened to his Dad. (Answers: Around, somewhere in my notes, and booze.) Thanks for your input! ON TO THE STORY:

INT. STREET OF HELL, OUTSIDE – NO NAME STREET — AFTERNOON

Streets of molten fire, where the tar melts, and the only “Stop” signs are the blood in your bones boiling and shouting: “Please! I’m boiling!”

HEMMETT looks at where the street sign would be, and shakes his head, humming “Where the Streets Have No Name.” It’s a little joke for him, and the audience.

His pants are tight, like a boa constrictor, who wears really tight pants. His muscles are bulging, almost bulging with little muscles that want to show off how much they’ve been working out.

Caption: Artist rendering of “Hemmett” in formal evening wear.

Suddenly, a piercing shriek lights up the sky where only Hemmett can hear! It is CINDY, Hemmett’s most sorta okay woman of pleasure:

CINDY
Oh, Hemmett! I love you!

HEMMETT
The time for loving you is now. Always.

Hemmett grabs her and kisses her and holds her for an hour or so -

Disaster strikes! Like a pitcher who hurls lightning when thunder comes!

CINDY
Oh Hemmett! I love you! What is it? I’m so scared!

A MONSTER THE SIZE OF A HOUSE IN THE RAIN SUDDENLY TIES CINDY TO A CRANE AND DANGLES HER STORIES ABOVE THE STREET!

CINDY (CONT’D)
Oh Hemmett! I was afraid of that happening! I’m so unlucky in love! With you!

HEMMETT
Show yourself, monster! This cockblocking you do is a sin in the eyes of God!

Suddenly, a SHAPESHIFTER APPEARS!

SHAPESHIFTER
I’m a shapeshifter!

HEMMETT
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

(NOTE: Emphasize 5th “o” to really make the line pop.)

SHAPESHIFTER
I can become anything you fear! Like–

HEMMETT
NOOOOOOOOO!

(NOTE: The line only works if you put an “umlat” over the third “o.” Otherwise, cut.)

SHAPESHIFTER
Or even…

HEMMETT
Nooooooooo!

(NOTE: He’s very scared here, so emphsaize all “O’s”)

CINDY
Oh, Hemmet! That was me! You were staring at me! I love you -

HEMMETT
I know. I wanted to give him the sweet whiff of my fear. Which he will never see.

SHAPESHIFTER
I’ll see your fear, and play with it on my face. I’ll show you my most hideous form -

HEMMETT
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
(BREATH)
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CINDY
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

HEMMETT
Why are you yelling?

CINDY
Because you are!

HEMMETT
Good point! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

SHAPESHIFTER
And now, I’ll show you the darkest terror of all…

– And that’s where I’m  not sure, folks. What is the darkest terror of all from the Shapeshifter? (And please, no notes of: “Don’t mention the darkest terror of all.” That’s not good. I think all the smart people in the room can agree that the scene doesn’t really make sense as a whole if it doesn’t end with the shapeshifter showing the “darkest terror of all.”) So, please, is it:

AND: then, what does Hemmett use to defeat this?

– Thanks! And tune in next time! Will Hemmett defeat the Shapeshifter? Will he lower his standards enough to actually touch Cindy for reals? And what is Professor Intestine hiding? (Answers: sure, sure, and not sure.)

GREG NOTE: Um, Emmett, I just read this… and all of it makes me feel uncomfortable.

JOHN NOTE: I agree, Greg… but, I just want you to remember this moment, so that you know what it’s like to be around you most of the time.

Thanks to Arielle Haze and Mike Dorwart for the photos.

Every now and then, he’ll share a little of it here on the blog.  Some scenes he likes, some scenes he loves, and maybe they’ll even be scenes sometimes that could use a little bit of tweaking.

And now, a scene from page 44 from:

“PROFESSOR INTESTINE’S DEVIL RIDE TO HELL”

————————————————–

INT. DUNGEON – 7TH CIRCLE OF HELL — HELLNIGHT

A dungeon beneath the hustle-and-bustle of inner hell.  Corpses are everywhere.  Some are used like wallpaper and some are stacked like corpses.  The LIGHT comes from a CORPSE-THEMED LAMP hanging from the ceiling. 

HEMMETT is tied to a chair.  In iron. 

Hemmett’s clothes can barely contain his awesome, moving, emotional biceps.  The chair is HAPPY to be containing him – it’s an EVIL CHAIR.  (POSSIBLY: “Angry Chair” by Alice in Chains is hummed by the chair.  Might be: too much.)

GARY

I see you’ve met my evil chair…

Gary SLAPS Hemmett with a foul-smelling tentacle!  He’s a football player with tentacles for arms and a real jerk.  His shirt: GARY = NO. 1

His name is “Gary.”

The smell of the tentacle is ALMOST TOO MUCH as it whip-slaps Hemmett AGAIN!

GARY (CONT’D)

I’m Gary!  And I’m number one!

Hemmett smiles, and stares directly at Gary’s shirt:

HEMMETT

All I see is no… one.  And you’ve already lost.

Gary FLIES into a rage, whipping his tentacles around like the guy who sells carpet on TV.

GARY

You will never find the Professor Intestine!  I will destroy you!

Gary whacks Hemmett so hard with so many tentacles Hemmett wonders how one football player’s body can have so many tentacles.

CECILIA

No!  Stop whip-slapping!

It’s CECILIA, inside HEMMETT’S MIND.  He sees her in his head, and LAUGHS at Gary:

HEMMETT

She loves me so much, I see her in my head.

Gary flies into a BIGGER RAGE.  His tentacles whip around like an octopus helocopter that doesn’t move, but no, it’s just Gary.

GARY

You know that’s hard for me, because we used to date.  And still, you mock.  I will… destroy…

He spits the last dot of elipsis.

Cecilia clings to Mental Hemmett in Hemmett’s mind.  Her words come out like a river of love from the waterfall of really great:

CECILIA

Don’t let him destroy you!  You are so cool!  Your body is so great!  Your muscles shine like the sun in the sunlight!  Please don’t let him destroy you!

Gary LAUGHS, his tentacles shake, in agreement:

GARY

It is too late for goodness!

He reaches into a big pile of corpses, and pulls out…

Cecilia and Mental Hemmett scream at the same time:

CECILIA

NOT BADSTABULUS!

Hemmett plays it cool, though.  The evil chair grins at his feet, to shake him, but he can’t.

Gary twirls BAD STABULUS, the greatest spear ever made.  It’s made of bone, blood and neon:

GARY

Now, the river of blood is going to roll!  This is Badstabulus, the evillest spear around!  It killed the dragon Erakulus, when it was stabbed by Garbonkulus, the Knight Who Doesn’t Use Magic, when it went through the dragon’s feet to his fire-producing organ.  It was the evil lover of the evil sorceress Evilrellaicious, killing all of her suitors and would be suitors until she felt remorse.  Then, Badstabulus dumped her.  For his only woman… is evil.

Gary throws the spear at Hemmett, and it lands in the wall next to it.  It calmly pulls itself out of the wall, and strolls back to Gary.

GARY (CONT’D)

The spear fears no one, having killed Botchulus the Evil Alcehmist, and Mountanulus, the evil Mountain, and even a tidal wave that was probably evil.  The spear… is badass.

Gar touches the spear’s tip.  It’s covered with crystals, strange writing, and speaks like an OLD MAN.  Morgan Freeman.  Wilfred Brimley.  Santa.  Whoever’s available.

BAD STABULUS

Prepare to be stabbed!

Gary stabs the spear at Hemmett — suddenly, the spear COUGHS!

BAD STABULUS (CONT’D)

Screw this!  I ain’t stabbing Hemmet!  He crazy!

HEMMETT

I told you, Gary.  You’ve already lost.

Gary puts Bad Stabulus on the ground and makes a note to find the spear untrustworthy:

GARY

We’ll have words later.

BAD STABULUS

Words nothing!  I ain’t stabbing that dude!  I didn’t get to be rusty stabbing stupid!

YES.  Bad Stabulus is SASSY.  Voiced by: Mo’Nique.  Wanda Sykes-Hall.  Rosanne Barr with BIG TAN.  OR: Live-action, if the spear costume is environmentally friendly.

Gary’s nose shows how angry he is.  Hemmett chuckles, in his head and mouth:

HEMMETT

I told you, you’ve already lost.

GARY

And you’ve already been stabbed!

He pulls out a 2nd spear.  Bad Stabulus is shocked and BETRAYED.

LOWER THIRDS: “CHET STABULUS.  Killed a valley, a river, and a row of houses.  LOST VOICE IN FINAL.”

Before Hemmett can respond, Gary shoves Chet into Hemmett’s stomach!  Cecilia in Hemmett’s head SHOUTS A LOT:

CECILIA

Noooo!  That must’ve hurt!  Not his pectoral!

But Hemmett smiles confusedly at the evil weapon of death sticking out of a rock-solid-awesome part of his body.

Suddenly, Hemmett’s body SPITS OUT the spear with a LOUD SPEAR-SPITTING sound -

GARY

Damnits!  Noo!  That spear stabbed you!  I stabbed you, with that spear! 

Bad Stabulus is thoughtful:

BAD STABULUS

My findings calculate that, mathematically, he must’ve cast a spell of Spear-Spitting Anti-Stab.

NO!  Bad Stabulus is voiced by a scientist-sounding old man!  YES!  Anthony Michael Hall.  Giles from Buffy.  Morgan Freeman in a Lab Coat. 

HEMMETT

You never asked.

GARY

Let’s see how your groin agrees!

He stabs Hemmett in the groin – Cecilia in his Mind YELLS MUCH.  Hemmett YELLS…

… in CHUCKLING.

Gary stares at Chet Stabullus… the spear is bent in half.

BAD STABULUS

You must’ve had the spear of Invulnerability Around the Private Parts.

HEMMETT

(shrugging)

I use protection.

To Cecilia, telepathically:

HEMMETT (CONT’D)

Thanks.

CECILIA

I knew it was the right idea to cast that spell on your private parts.

Hemmett laughs, telepathically.  He holds her, telepathically.

HEMMETT

You are the only spell cast on my private parts.

He kisses her… telepathically.  She mentally blushes, but not telepathically.

GARY

I’m tired of this!

HEMMETT

No!  It is I who am tired!

He’s sarcastic SO HARD the ropes break!

GARY

No!  But how-?

BAD STABULUS

I don’t think he cast the spell of “Negativity With Rope.”

HEMMETT

When you touched me, Gary No One… that meant you would get smaller.

BAD STABULUS

The ol’ spell of “Smaller If You Touch Me.”  I knew I smelled something.

Suddenly, in a REVEALING CAMERA SHOT, we see that Gary has gotten smaller!  His shoes are larger than his feet!  Clothes, too!

Hemmett puts a finger in Gary’s mouth, and flings him into the broken pieces of Chet Stabulus.  They explode in blood and stabbing.

Hemmett nods to various parts of his body:

HEMMETT

Good work, magic.

Suddenly, in his mind, Cecilia… DISAPPEARS!

CECILIA

Hemmett!  I need to be saved!  I’m really disappearing!  Not just in your mind!  Like, everywhere!

First, her melons-in-heat titan bosom, then her thighs that are so smooth, like Cuban cigars rolled on Cuban thighs, and then, her face.

Hemmett shouts in his mind and his mouth and everywhere. 

HEMMETT

Noooo!

But, she’s gone.

BAD STABULUS

She’s been taken.

Hemmett searches for clues, but finds nothing.

BAD STABULUS (CONT’D)

I can help you find her, but I drive a hard price.  You know what I want.  I help you, I don’t want no passengers, no mates, I’m the Captain.  You give me what I want, I’ll help you find your girl.  The bosom, the thighs, the whole bloody thing.

YEAH!  Bad Stabulus is like QUINT in “JAWS,” as played by Robert Goulet.

… hope you liked it!  Positive feedback is always appreciated!

What do you think Bad Stabulus’s price is?  We used money with the glove and sexual favors with the Shield.  Does Bad Stabulus want to find his parents?  Please help!  Help your local Hemmett! :p

EMMETT’S WORKING ON AN AWESOME SCREENPLAY!

Every now and then, he’ll share a little of it here on the blog. Some scenes he likes, some scenes he loves, and maybe they’ll even be scenes sometimes that could use a little bit of tweaking.

And now, a scene from page 248 from:

PROFESSOR INTESTINE’S DEVIL RIDE TO HELL

====================

INT. HELLISH DUNGEON NEAR HELL (IN FIFTH CIRCLE OF HELL, ROUGHLY FOUR CLICKS NORTH OF INNER HELL) – MORNING

Should be made to look like a toolshed, but covered in blood. Maybe a little on fire, too. Yeah.

A DEMON WITH SIX ARMS glares at our hero, HEMMETT. In the background, the song from the 2nd Highlander movie PLAYS.

Hemmett LAUGHS IN THE DEMON’S FACE, and two of his arms.

Hemmett has rippling muscles, tight pants, and big arm muscles. His shirt is torn, but there is a sensitivity about him. He is unusually sexy, and powerful.

He is handsome.

DEMON WITH SIX ARMS

Your journey ends here! But your journey to death begins!

He points at Hemmett with four arms, and snaps his fingers with the other two:

CECILIA

Help, Hemmett! I love you!

REVEAL: CECILIA, in a ballgown, hangs from the ceiling made of a rope of living, spiked intestines. With eyes. And blood.

She is so beautiful the music stops, but only for a second.

HEMMETT

No!

He flexes his muscles. The intestine-rope-with-eyes GASPS.

DEMON WITH SIX ARMS

Never!

The demon yells, using four and half of his arms to rip of Cecila’s ballgown:

REVEALING: her quivering bosom, like two rabbits fighting in an unusually large bra.

HEMMETT

I will defeat!

Hemmett reaches into the magical pocket he got from Necromancer Ed in the Kingdom of Despairia and—

— and I’m trying to figure out what happens next. As astitute readers know, Hemmett already used his Multiple-Demon-Arm-Smasher in the last circle of Hell, and I really don’t want this to be over the top. What should happen next? Till next time, Hemmett out!