Hey, guys. I’m Mike. You may remember me from such “Bumps in the Night” episodes as… all of them so far.

I met Emmett in a Hitchcock class at UCLA. I knew I was going to like him when the professor started talking about the MacGuffin and Emmett asked, “Aren’t those on the endangered species list?” I thought that was hilarious (though, in retrospect, it’s very possible Emmett was being serious). Needless to say he didn’t graduate.

But he did step up when I was down to the wire for my Documentary Filmmaking final. My original subject bailed on me at the last minute, so I convinced Emmett to let me film him John, and Greg cleaning the pool of this girl named Laurel. That’s what college dropouts do in California, apparently.

JOHN NOTE: I’d like to note that I DO have a degree, along with a mountain of debt. Sometimes I wonder who was actually smarter. (No, not really.)

So anyway, since the whole experience did turn out to be a lot more fascinating than it had any business being, I thought I’d write this commentary track for what became the pilot episode of “Bumps in the Night.” Because you all really wanted to know.

I distinctly told all three of them not to wear any clothing with copyrighted logos. So of course Emmett wore his “Blue Harvest” t-shirt.

“It’s a knock-off,” he said. It was either that, or have him shoot the entire documentary shirtless. Believe me, the lawsuit was going to be preferable. George Lucas actually did send some of his legal “Stormtroopers” to my dorm to bitch about our use of “Blue Harvest,” but I ratted out Seth MacFarlane, so they gave me a pass.

Here’s a little tip for all of you student filmmakers: you can write anything you want into your waiver, because no one ever reads it. Kind of like this blog. I don’t even think the guys are going to read this. Emmett spends all his time on his screenplay and Greg is too busy studying transcendental meditation.

JOHN NOTE: If by “transcendental meditation” you mean “sleeping,” then yes.

Big J, the rival pool cleaner, actually lives in my neighborhood. When he moved in he was kind enough to stop by and disclose certain details about his past. I’m really glad I don’t have any kids.

Emmett actually tried to dye his hair green the previous Halloween to be the Heath Ledger Joker, but screwed up and got yellow. We’d all be better off if Emmett actually was sterile.

JOHN NOTE: That would require him having an actual chance to reproduce, so I think we’re safe.

When Greg was reviewing his testimonial footage, he got really excited and shouted at me that we got footage of “A ROD!”

Then he explained to me what a rod was. Suffice to say, it wasn’t what I thought.

JOHN NOTE: When you Google “rods,” make sure “safe search” is on.

Greg and Emmett do sit weirdly close to each other, it wasn’t just to fit in the frame.

And here’s an interesting tidbit: Emmett was drunk. I mean the entire time. He thought no one saw the beers, but I see all. There’s a full shot glass prominent in one of the scenes, see if you can find it.

JOHN NOTE: I’d have been angrier about this, but I think it was the only pool cleaning job I WASN’T drunk at. My god, what have I done with my life?

To be fair to Emmett, since the pilot, I’ve tagged along with some actual paranormal investigation groups, and they all drink like F.I.S.C.H.

You see that weird video distortion? That happened every time the ghost showed up. I totally didn’t put that in in post or anything…

I know that sounded sarcastic, but I really didn’t. Really.

JOHN NOTE: Sure, Mike. And please note that this note is dripping with sarcasm. And whiskey.

Some people have asked why I didn’t try to help Emmett when he fell in the pool.

First of all, as the official documentarian, I could not, in good conscience, get involved. Also, I know Emmett doesn’t know how to swim, but couldn’t he have just dog-paddled over to the side?

Emmett made me swear upon pain of death that those pink pajamas he put on after getting his clothes soaked belonged to Laurel and not to him. And if that’s the story he wants to go with, I guess I’ll stick with it.

Laurel said she lived in that big house alone, but it sure looked like four dudes lived there. If you watch the outtakes, you’ll see shirtless dudes just wander through at random times.

I was pretty impressed that Greg was able to find detailed information on the internet about an otherwise unremarkable death in 1972. And Greg was right, Teresa was not as beautiful as Alexandra made her out to be.

After some of Greg’s questions, Alexandra literally stared at him, without speaking, for minutes at a time. I edited it down because it just didn’t seem believable.

Some people have asked how I beat Greg back to Laurel’s after we canvassed the neighborhood. To those people, I point to this pearl of wisdom from the crew of the Satellite of Love: “Just repeat to yourself, ‘It’s just a show, I should really just relax.’”

What happened in this scene, I have never gotten an adequate explanation for…

I still have no idea what “check-sexually” means. Oh, and the water regurgitation thing. That was pretty weird too. I know I sounded nonplussed, but I was making my scared face.

That Latin music you hear in the background of this scene came from Laurel’s neighbor’s yard. He had some strange ideas about how to breed horses. And if you pay close attention to the shadow over John’s crotch, you can see that this was shot during my short-lived fro phase. That was just one of many reasons why I refuse to appear in front of the camera on this show.

In all honesty, it truly was unprofessional of me to abandon the camera during the séance. I really did see what appeared to be a full-torso apparition of Teresa Mullins, and I really wish we could have gotten video evidence of that.

I have to give those guys credit for taking care of Laurel’s ghost problem. If you listen carefully towards the end of the séance, it sounds like Teresa drove away on a spectral motorcycle. (Which, if I had gotten on camera for even 5 seconds, would have been way better than the entirety of “Ghost Rider.”)

There was a lot of talk about Teresa being gay, but there was nothing more gay in the episode than the moment Greg and Emmett exchanged on Laurel’s roof.

And you may not have noticed, but when the guys are packing up the van, Greg is wearing the broken sprinkler around his neck as a trophy.

I did feel bad about the state we left Laurel’s pool in. But don’t worry, John “cleaned her pool” later. And no, I didn’t get that on tape.

JOHN NOTE: I would have commented a lot more about what Mike wrote here, but this last line saved him. And whiskey. Whiskey also saved him.