Exorcisms.

Like the Heimlich Maneuver, it’s something that if done incorrectly in public, will lead to a lot of shocked looks (at best) and/or a lot of lawsuits (at worst). Here’s some thoughts on how to get rid of demons in our modern, totally not-superstitious day:

GET LOTS OF HOLY WATER.

WATER THAT’S BLESSED BY A PRIEST


–Not your pals after getting a degree online. Not somebody that happens to be wearing a black robe. Not the creepy guy down the street you don’t trust around kids… unless the creepy guy down the street you don’t trust around kids is actually a priest.

THROW THE WATER ON THE DEMON, YELLING: “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU’

–the Bible isn’t terribly big on correct sentence structure. Scripture (and “The Exorcist”) say that the demon will know what you’re talking about, so you don’t have to say: “Compels you to leave!” or “Compels you to get out of the person’s body, because you can’t afford the rent!” or something. This is one of the few parts of an exorcism that seems to be built upon mutual understanding between you and an immortal evil from beyond time and imagination. Good luck.

…and that’s the alarm that says “We’ve Written Something On the Internet That Someone Else Already Covered.”

We call this – “The Dane Cook Alarm.” If Only Dane had one, himself.

Our sworn enemy this week, eHow, has written an article on “How to Perform an Exorcism.” Presumably it’s for people that were searching for “How to Perform an Exorcise Routine That Gets Great Abs, Fast,” accidentally typed “Exorcism,” and thought to themselves: “Yeah… my spouse is acting kind of like a demon. Tell me more, eHow!”

GUY ON RIGHT: “She’s just going on and on about her day and like, her needs or something… she needs an exorcism, right?”

–Let’s point out where their article is defective, while hoping that printing it is not some sort of copyright violation. Remember, everything we say is by them actually is, and in no way made up by us for a cheap joke. Usually when we say that we’re being facetious. That is not the case here.

Exorcism has been around for thousands of years, yet it was movies that made it mainstream. To those who’ve preformed this rite, it’s not a work of fiction. Exorcisms involve demonic forces with a great deal of power and exorcists with a tremendous amount of faith. Performing an exorcism may take prior training and is often reserved for certain people within a religion, but most rituals follow these steps.

–There’s so much magic in this paragraph, it’s hard to know where to begin.

1st off, when we clicked on the page, this paragraph was next to an Armor All ad:

I wish I hadn’t shot the food.

–It’s lazy to make fun of someone’s typos, but the article could be correct. I’ve never “preformed the rite,” but maybe if you form the rite ahead of time, exorcism isn’t a work of fiction.

…about typos.

ALSO: “…may take prior training”…? No, being a plumber takes prior training. Being an exorcist requires a little bit more than that.

“This is so much easier than my exorcist gig… unless I hit the septic tank.”

“I am never taking another ‘gig’ I found on Craig’s List again.”

…but, back to eHow, where putting a lower-case letter in front of something gives it a credibility:

Difficulty: Challenging

Exorcisms: the unlockable difficulty level of “Missile Command.”

Instructions

Step 1

Exclude the possibility that the person has a mental illness rather than being possessed. It’s essential to know the difference between forces of the devil and need for medical attention. Performing an exorcism on someone who isn’t possessed can be dangerous, and overlooking the need for psychological help can be even more harmful to the person.

–We’d make more fun of this, but almost everything you do in life should begin with “Step 1: Exclude the possibility that the person has a mental illness.”

HILLS CASTING DIRECTOR: “Oh… guys, I know what we forgot now: Step 1. And a gun.”

Step 2

Evaluate your faith.

You evaluate her. She looks okay from back here.

Exorcisms need to be performed by someone with an incredible amount of faith. It is their power based in faith that will command the demons out.

Not sure what unit of measurement “1 Incredible” is equivalent to, so we’re just assuming that if you don’t have enough faith to fill the above truck, get enough experience points to where you’re willing to believe you’ve done something other than waste your time.

Step 3

Recite a series of prayers as outlined by the chosen faith. Most will begin with an appeal to a higher power asking for intervention, then use the name of the higher power to command the devil to leave.

Higher power asking for intervention… and if there’s any roles Gerald McRaney doesn’t feel like taking.

PRO TIP: This is SPANX “Higher Power” shaper. If you appeal to it, the demon already wins… but, the demon may leave out of sheer embarrassment.

Step 4

Make the sign of the cross at the appropriate times during the prayers.

Is this an inappropriate time to pray? Also… why did I take my shirt off for this exorcism? At least I’ve been working out.

NOTE: There’s a “Why Should We Let the Demon Have All the Fun Inside That Body?” joke we were far, far too classy to make.

Signing of the cross will be made on both the exorcist (the one performing the rite) as well as the subject.

“Uh… it looks like a lot of half-completed crosses. Did you try looking in the mirror? Not just during this, but, um, ever?”

Step 5

Sprinkle holy water on everyone in the room and in the case of Catholic exorcism, touch the person with a
relic associated with a saint.

We now guarantee at least one topical sports joke during a blog entry. Here’s this week’s.Too soon?

Hopefully, Sean Payton’ll clear all this up.

Again these are all done at the appropriate times during the prayers.

“…well, sure it’s inappropriate now. But, maybe if we took off more clothes, it’d be more appropriate! Like a movie where people get trapped in a cave, and one guy says: ‘The only way out of this cave… is to go deeper into the cave!’”

Step 6

Command the demons out of the person.

“Get the hell out of her! It’s her parents’ job to fill her head with lies and confusion!”

This will be after the demon reveals itself.

Unfortunately, sometimes, you can’t get the demon to reveal itself more.

Expect a fight from the demon. The demon has found a host and is unwilling to leave quietly.

Some demons are exceptional at finding hosts.

This is a fight for the person’s soul.

“…you know, instead of killing myself, I’m just going to let you win this one, demon. I’m going home. ‘CSI: Miami’s’ on, and I think it’s been ‘ripped from the headlines.’”

IN CONCLUSION:

–This eHow article probably isn’t as interesting as the first one listed under “More by this Author,” which is entitled: “How to Look Scary in a Rough Neighborhood.”

–The “e” in “eHow” must stand for “Eh…”