Like the Heimlich Maneuver, it’s something that if done incorrectly in public, will lead to a lot of shocked looks (at best) and/or a lot of lawsuits (at worst). Here’s some thoughts on how to get rid of demons in our modern, totally not-superstitious day:

GET LOTS OF HOLY WATER.

WATER THAT’S BLESSED BY A PRIEST


–Not your pals after getting a degree online. Not somebody that happens to be wearing a black robe. Not the creepy guy down the street you don’t trust around kids… unless the creepy guy down the street you don’t trust around kids is actually a priest.

THROW THE WATER ON THE DEMON, YELLING: “THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU’

–the Bible isn’t terribly big on correct sentence structure. Scripture (and “The Exorcist”) say that the demon will know what you’re talking about, so you don’t have to say: “Compels you to leave!” or “Compels you to get out of the person’s body, because you can’t afford the rent!” or something. This is one of the few parts of an exorcism that seems to be built upon mutual understanding between you and an immortal evil from beyond time and imagination. Good luck.

…and that’s the alarm that says “We’ve Written Something On the Internet That Someone Else Already Covered.”

We call this – “The Dane Cook Alarm.” If Only Dane had one, himself.

Our sworn enemy this week, eHow, has written an article on “How to Perform an Exorcism.” Presumably it’s for people that were searching for “How to Perform an Exorcise Routine That Gets Great Abs, Fast,” accidentally typed “Exorcism,” and thought to themselves: “Yeah… my spouse is acting kind of like a demon. Tell me more, eHow!”

GUY ON RIGHT: “She’s just going on and on about her day and like, her needs or something… she needs an exorcism, right?”

–Let’s point out where their article is defective, while hoping that printing it is not some sort of copyright violation. Remember, everything we say is by them actually is, and in no way made up by us for a cheap joke. Usually when we say that we’re being facetious. That is not the case here.

Exorcism has been around for thousands of years, yet it was movies that made it mainstream. To those who’ve preformed this rite, it’s not a work of fiction. Exorcisms involve demonic forces with a great deal of power and exorcists with a tremendous amount of faith. Performing an exorcism may take prior training and is often reserved for certain people within a religion, but most rituals follow these steps.

–There’s so much magic in this paragraph, it’s hard to know where to begin.

1st off, when we clicked on the page, this paragraph was next to an Armor All ad:

I wish I hadn’t shot the food.

–It’s lazy to make fun of someone’s typos, but the article could be correct. I’ve never “preformed the rite,” but maybe if you form the rite ahead of time, exorcism isn’t a work of fiction.

…about typos.

ALSO: “…may take prior training”…? No, being a plumber takes prior training. Being an exorcist requires a little bit more than that.

“This is so much easier than my exorcist gig… unless I hit the septic tank.”

“I am never taking another ‘gig’ I found on Craig’s List again.”

…but, back to eHow, where putting a lower-case letter in front of something gives it a credibility:

Difficulty: Challenging

Exorcisms: the unlockable difficulty level of “Missile Command.”

Instructions

Step 1

Exclude the possibility that the person has a mental illness rather than being possessed. It’s essential to know the difference between forces of the devil and need for medical attention. Performing an exorcism on someone who isn’t possessed can be dangerous, and overlooking the need for psychological help can be even more harmful to the person.

–We’d make more fun of this, but almost everything you do in life should begin with “Step 1: Exclude the possibility that the person has a mental illness.”

HILLS CASTING DIRECTOR: “Oh… guys, I know what we forgot now: Step 1. And a gun.”

Step 2

Evaluate your faith.

You evaluate her. She looks okay from back here.

Exorcisms need to be performed by someone with an incredible amount of faith. It is their power based in faith that will command the demons out.

Not sure what unit of measurement “1 Incredible” is equivalent to, so we’re just assuming that if you don’t have enough faith to fill the above truck, get enough experience points to where you’re willing to believe you’ve done something other than waste your time.

Step 3

Recite a series of prayers as outlined by the chosen faith. Most will begin with an appeal to a higher power asking for intervention, then use the name of the higher power to command the devil to leave.

Higher power asking for intervention… and if there’s any roles Gerald McRaney doesn’t feel like taking.

PRO TIP: This is SPANX “Higher Power” shaper. If you appeal to it, the demon already wins… but, the demon may leave out of sheer embarrassment.

Step 4

Make the sign of the cross at the appropriate times during the prayers.

Is this an inappropriate time to pray? Also… why did I take my shirt off for this exorcism? At least I’ve been working out.

NOTE: There’s a “Why Should We Let the Demon Have All the Fun Inside That Body?” joke we were far, far too classy to make.

Signing of the cross will be made on both the exorcist (the one performing the rite) as well as the subject.

“Uh… it looks like a lot of half-completed crosses. Did you try looking in the mirror? Not just during this, but, um, ever?”

Step 5

Sprinkle holy water on everyone in the room and in the case of Catholic exorcism, touch the person with a
relic associated with a saint.

We now guarantee at least one topical sports joke during a blog entry. Here’s this week’s.Too soon?

Hopefully, Sean Payton’ll clear all this up.

Again these are all done at the appropriate times during the prayers.

“…well, sure it’s inappropriate now. But, maybe if we took off more clothes, it’d be more appropriate! Like a movie where people get trapped in a cave, and one guy says: ‘The only way out of this cave… is to go deeper into the cave!’”

Step 6

Command the demons out of the person.

“Get the hell out of her! It’s her parents’ job to fill her head with lies and confusion!”

This will be after the demon reveals itself.

Unfortunately, sometimes, you can’t get the demon to reveal itself more.

Expect a fight from the demon. The demon has found a host and is unwilling to leave quietly.

Some demons are exceptional at finding hosts.

This is a fight for the person’s soul.

“…you know, instead of killing myself, I’m just going to let you win this one, demon. I’m going home. ‘CSI: Miami’s’ on, and I think it’s been ‘ripped from the headlines.’”

IN CONCLUSION:

–This eHow article probably isn’t as interesting as the first one listed under “More by this Author,” which is entitled: “How to Look Scary in a Rough Neighborhood.”

–The “e” in “eHow” must stand for “Eh…”

We deal with it every day. You hear about it on every news broadcast. If we’ve heard it once, we’ve heard it a million times.

Indeed, there’s even an old cliché:

Death. Taxes. Evil furniture.

We’ve heard them all a million times in school, but here are some of the more famous examples from history:

Paranormal experts say there are over 4,000 ways to die in this photo alone. They also say that the “seat” in the upper right is so hideous, you can get secondhand ugly just walking by it.

FOR MORE EXAMPLES OF SECONDHAND UGLY –

(AND A HOT CELEBRITY WOMAN, DATING AN UGLY DUDE – ONCE HOT, ONCE NOT)

The Distance From

To

Is

–

Medicine Hat, Alberta: December 11^th, 1995

If you were to eat a human teenager whole, you’d look a little rotund, too.

Rye, NY: August 19, 1974

Two children and a pet rock were found dismembered on this bed. According to legend (read: hippies in the area) the lead detective asked: “Who could’ve done this?” there was a voice that answered: “No clue. Because the bed certainly doesn’t look evil at all.”

From Henry Shaw’s Specimens of Ancient Furniture (assumed made between 1500-1700 in England.)

This… chair-like mutated cradle… device single-handed ushered in the “Why Don’t We Start Putting Backs on Chairs Like Civilized People?” War of 1554. After an uneasy truce, the “Maybe We Like Sitting in Cosmically Uncomfortable Chairs” war of 1569 spread like a brushfire… made entirely of poorly-designed furniture. After a few re-clinings and bolt-uprightings (the “Where Do My Arms Go?” border war of 1578 and the “I Think I Accidentally Straddled This, Somehow” offensive of 1594) both sides came together and fought the broader “Hey, Why Don’t We Put Aside Our Differences So We Can Enslave A Race of Another Skin Color To Make These Things For Us?” war of 1604… better known as “The Crusades.”

Valley Forge, PA: 1777

The first bed comforter was a work in progress.

The only comfort the bed had to offer was the disdainful glare of what looks like a one-armed revolutionary war soldier wiping his pants with a handkerchief. Scientists are unsure what happened to his right arm, why he’s flying on angel’s wings, or who shoved a sword up his ass all the way to the hilt. What is known, though, is that this is the first known example of OCD. His arm is cut off, his… whatever’s going on with that sword, but damnit, he’s not going to let his attack-moo-moo get dirty.

Boston, MA: 1969

Timothy Leary’s bedroom

If you listen very closely, you can hear the monkey whisper: “I really wish I’d done less acid.”

In a new twist on “King Kong,” the two stools have tied up the monkey as a sacrifice to whatever that orange phallic thing is on the left, but only after the success of their controversial surgery to replace the monkey’s right bicep with a soccer ball.

Cleveland, OH: 1801

- “I don’t know if he likes his whiskey.”

- “Eh, it’s all going on his room service bill anyway.”

Motel 6’s slogan today is “We’ll Leave the Light On For You.” Back then it was: “We Guarantee Every Room Will Have Six Guys In It: Two To Torture You By Thrusting a Hose Down Your Throat; Two to Play Music, One to Point His Finger and Say ‘Now Boys’ and One to Write Everything Down, While Sitting at an Inexplicably One Foot High Podium.”

It’s like the Black Lodge from “Twin Peaks” on steroids. Steroids made out of dwarves from the Black Lodge.

Magnitogorsk, Russia

In Russia, yes, musical chairs plays you, but they also play musical chairs for “reals.” The paper on the right, translated from the original Russian:

“Time-out chair. For medium offense.”

I also like how the ear flaps can move. Did someone actually put a victim in this thing, and then go: “Oh my God, not their ears! That’d be too painful!”?

Paris, France

“The Time When They Were Beheading All Those People.” (note: Internet is down right now.)

The Society for the Social Advancement of String (SASS) would like to point out that, technically, the string is not responsible for any damage this device may or may not allegedly “do” to any alleged “human being” suspected of having a “neck.”

The National Organization for the Image Promotion of Deadly Blades (NOIPNUB) could not be reached for comment at posting time.

“A-Body-Was-Found-Within-the-Furthest-Left-Couch-With-The-Phrase-‘Triple Word Score’-Carved-Into-The-Stomach” is not playable. But, neither is “And the killer was never found.” However, “Eaten” and “By” and “Wildly Uncomfortable Hipster Goofiness” are 77 points.

—

But what will the future bring?

If we look back to history, we can see that the one thing history can teach us about the future is that: “Things Will Always Be Pretty Bad.”

Future

20XX

(before Mega Man 3, but after Dr. Wily turned into that green alien that was totally only a robot controlled by Dr. Wily)

Clockwise from left:

Black and Decker Heavy Duty Basement Light & Lightning Fast Test Tube baby incubator. (Note: the longer tube means they’ll come around in adult-hood, but be totally unable to communicate.)*

The Last Light Bulb Your Hand Will Ever Change

You Don’t Want to See What Happened to the Bicycle (OR: The Bicycle Got It Worse)

Recycletron, the Homeless Transformer.

* See Examples:

“It’s Dead-time. It’s called Dead-Time, because that sounds a hell of a lot cooler than ‘We’re Wandering Through Somebody’s House at 3 AM.’”

YOU: “Uh, hey, folks. You should um, totally let me live, because, like… I’m good with dogs… and stuff. Yeah, I’ll just show myself to the electric chair.”

Now, instead of doctors or insurance companies determining what treatment we’ll get, we’ll all be put to death. Sad face.

But, as you might have heard, America is the last country to get to universal health care. How do death panels in other countries work? Who does the dirty work of killing those who society no-longer deems valuable? How do they kill you? And, are their death panels preferable to America? Let’s explore together. And then, hopefully, forget about it.

ITALY:

(also known as: “Itality.” The red spots are places where you make the prettiest chalk outline.)

THE ROSTER:

Paulie

Cancer kills millions each year. This number is also known as: “Half the number of people Paulie hits with a crowbar.”

“In your face, Cancer. And in your face… guy I just hit with a crowbar.”

Chef B.

Chef Boyardee has killed millions with a venomous poison that seeps into a person’s brain cortex and convinces them that they’re eating pasta.

NOTE: of the words “Spaghetti Sauce With Meat” the only words that aren’t lies are “with” and “sauce.” But your definition of “sauce” has to be pretty liberal, with low-to-no expectations.

Mario

Mario is a middle aged man who spends every day doing mushrooms, stomping on turtles, and stalking a beautiful woman and her boyfriend Kingston Koopawicz. Remember kids: drugs are bad.

“It’s-a me! I’m-a tripping-a balls-a!”

UPSIDE: The food.

Paulie Walnuts, to maximum uncomfortable ethnic stereotypes, sometimes eats an Italian meal with someone before killing them.

“You know the Last Supper? Ever think about it? Why? No reason. Try the veal.”

Authorities last saw Paulie fire-bombing diners that aren’t Denny’s, and saying that Denny’s is a good meal. The FDA was going to step in and point out it’s 1983 Denny’s Statute, i.e.: “Denny’s Is Only Good If You Are Drunk And/Or High And It’s At Least 2 AM” but, they didn’t bring it up. Little is known why.

I struggle with federal guidelines.

DOWNSIDE: The food.

Maggots crawl through an orange goop, howling in pain.

Historical fact: the “O’s” are named for what your digestive track says when you eat Spaghetti-O’s, but for commercial reasons, the “N” at the beginning of the word was omitted.

ON A SCALE FROM “1” TO “I’D LIKE BE KILLED BY THIS COUNTRY’S DEATH PANELS” ITALY IS: 7. Italy’s beautiful. And if you’re killed here, you won’t be hungry later.

JOHN NOTE: Please don’t send letters. This isn’t racist, because Greg’s kind of Italian. And if you know one member of a certain ethnic group, nothing you do, no matter how racist, is racist. It’s the American way.

“It’s true. I hate foreigners.”

CANADA

Cold, bleak and big, it’s the sister that Alaska makes stay home instead of partying with the cool kids.

THE ROSTER:

“I disembowel you, then rap about it. This punishment is referred to as the ‘Stop Calling Me Jimmy.’”

“I will kill you with my stunning and overwhelming lack of any discernible talent whatsoever.”

“Hmm… it appears Malin is already using my killing method, despite me being in a highly disappointing movie(s) that should’ve been good before she was.”

“I’ll kill you with my tomahawk, in a testament to my Indian heritage, where I’m known by my Indian name: ‘Hey, Whatever Happened to James Van Der Beek. Wait, You Mean That’s Not Him?’”

– special thanks to Wikipedia for letting us know these people were Canadian.

UPSIDE:
The first answer for “Canadian Fun Facts” on Google says:
“Canada is also known to have the highest quality of life in the world, according to the United Nations Human Development Index.”

DOWNSIDE:
As soon as Canada leaves the room, the United Nations Human Development Index laughs and says: “I’m sorry guys, I am TOTALLY kidding.”

ON A SCALE FROM “1” TO “I’D LIKE TO BE KILLED BY THIS COUNTRY’S DEATH PANELS” CANADA IS:
An 8.
(Being killed in Canada is like being anything else in Canada: it’s colder than you were told itwas going to be, and you hope beer is somehow involved.)

JOHN NOTE: This isn’t racist, because Greg likes hockey. Please don’t send letters.

COUNTRY:

DISNEY

Located somewhere between Never-Never Land, the Magic Kingdom, and other dreams of a raging anti-semite, Disney is a magical land where millions of kids go every year… and some of those millions even make it out.

THE ROSTER:

(sings) “M-I-C… K-E-Y… I-N U-R Drink!”

“Well, golly jeez there, Mickey, it looks like we’ve got someone that society just doesn’t have any use for anymore. Would you like another #2 Dad Burger?”

“I don’t kill anybody! I’m not a death panel! We’ll sing songs, and learn about “Hakuna Matata” together!
I’m kidding. I’m a boar. I’m going to gore you.”

“When you wish upon a star… make it count, because we’re going to kill you pretty soon after that.”

“Actually, I believe in free markets, and will not support socialism in any way, so I cannot be a part of this Death Panel.”

UPSIDE:

DOWNSIDE:

ON A SCALE FROM “1” TO “I’D LIKE TO BE KILLED BY THIS COUNTRY’S DEATH PANEL” DISNEY IS: 1. The worst death imaginable:

You don’t want to know where she can fly. Or where that treasure was hidden. Fun game: See how many double entendres you can find on this cover. The minimum is eight, the maximum is “The worst parts of your imagination.”

JOHN NOTE: Please don’t send letters. We’re not racist. We love Disney… wait, no we don’t.

1.

NOW (That’s What I Call Music). A collection of hits from a year/given period of time, compressed into one, easy-to-ignore form.

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: We recently watched a low-budget “Saw” rip-off entitled “Are You Scared?” about a moralistic serial killer who gets kids into deadly traps. In the opening scene, a girl walks over broken glass, and sticks her face into an aquarium of sulphuric acid. This album is like doing that with your ears.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: If I were a ghost, and determining which intrepid ghost hunter to kill/scare/soul-eat, I’d definitely pick the one listening to Katy Perry.

HAUNTED HISTORY: In the original cut of the opening scene from “Are You Scared?” the killer was going to have the girl listening to “NOW” as well, but the writers/producers/whoever makes such things didn’t want him to be TOO evil, jeez.

2.

HALLOWEEN GHOST SOUNDS (an album.)

The CD of ghosts “booo-ing,” cats yeowling, and doors opening creakily, even though only suburbanites with nice homes buy this stuff. It’s a favorite among parents who are either way too into Halloween, or don’t want to buy candy but saw this for 1.99 next to Cheez-Its that still have promotions to win two tickets to “Revenge of the Sith.”

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: Imagine if, in “Apocalpyse Now,” when the U.S. dropped the napalm on the Vietnamese, instead of listening to Wagner, they were blasting “Uncle Doody’s Big MP3 of Fart Noises.” This would look (and feel) worse.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: What if the entire cast of this current season of American Idol were squatting in your house? You can’t get them to leave, no matter what. They just sit around all day, eating your food, pounding on walls, possessing your wife, worshipping Satan-pig Gods, etc. Your wife and family are falling apart, so you need a plan – so you buy the biggest pair of ear muffs they’ll sell to civilians and you think real hard, and then, it hits you:

You’ll scare the American Idol people away by playing the CDs of their highlights!

At this point, your wife will ask Taylor Hicks to swallow your soul.

HAUNTED HISTORY: there’s nothing haunted about an album of Halloween sounds. That’s… kinda the point.

3.

MICHAEL JACKSON – THRILLER

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: Top secret classified NSA project XLIII-Alpha B was set off in 1991 to render all US enemies harmless in combat… only, when someone was typing on their state-of-the-art Texas Instruments computer, they clicked past “Enemies” to “Everybody in America.” (Alphabetical Order, long an arch villain in America, rears his/her ugly head again.) So when an American hears Thriller, they immediately go into the dance. There is no stopping it. It’s like the word of God, but in dance form.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Ghosts see this song like bulls see red. They find it a little racist. Play Thriller on a ghost hunt, and you might as well wear a tank top that says “GHOSTS SUCK FOR ETERNITY” and have a picture of Casper with genitalia drawn on his face. Trust us, it’s not worth it.

HAUNTED HISTORY: This song was so good, Vincent Price came back from the dead to give some backing vocals. Charlemagne tried to do the same for Snoop’s “What’s With the Guillotine-izzle, Saxon-izzle?” only to leave due to a dispute over creative control, and a beef between Snoop and Charlemagne’s boy, Hitler.

JOHN NOTE: This was written before Michael’s passing, so if anyone’s offended, we apologize, for as much as an apology on the internet is worth.

GREG NOTE: Sure.

JOHN NOTE: Greg, that didn’t help.

GREG NOTE: Huh?

JOHN NOTE: … make sure not to send it back to Greg after making the 1^st “John Note.”

GREG NOTE: You did it again.

JOHN NOTE: Damnit. I did it again.

4.

The Rolling Stones

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: Ever since President Reagan passed the Ridiculous Purple Shirt Act of 1983 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ed36UQX8kXQ every public gathering in America has to begin with “Start Me Up,” by Federal law. You should have been issued a copy of the song when you were born, along with a New York Yankees hat in a color that the Yankees do not wear, a dislike of the French despite them fighting alongside American troops in two World Wars, and an unshakable belief that a food having “Zero Trans Fats” means it’s good for you. (“Doritos Spicy Nacho will help me get MUSCULAR!”)

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: The Stones are perhaps the only people alive that even the most self-assured ghost would have ghost envy of. Face it, ghosts: the Stones make much better corpses than you guys ever will. Even you, Big Zombie. (ZOMBIE PICTURE)

HAUNTED HISTORY: The Stones were the original inspiration for “Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home” but test audiences couldn’t imagine a future the Stones were not in. Also, the Humpback whales had a lot less demands. (and yeah, smart guy, this relates to “Haunted History” because, in “Star Trek 4”, Chekov’s wig is haunted. Go watch the movie again, and pay particular attention at the 1:02:35 mark… if you dare.)

5.

GWAR

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: You’ve just arrived at Glasgow Castle, to hunt one of the most famous haunted places on Earth. Your team suits up, you’re excited by the prospect of battling/investigating the spirits of time… and your boom mic operator comes out in this:

Hopefully, the ghosts wouldn’t laugh TOO hard before they killed you all.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Similar to the effects of laughing gas, only without the gas.

HAUNTED HISTORY: Gwar has always existed. They come from a land beyond time and space, where things like morality, God, love, and the ability to tune’s one instrument do not exist.

JOHN: No, I’m not sure that’s correct.

1. Metallica – Master of Puppets

EFFECT ON HUNTERS: They’ll be so pumped up, you’ll have to calm them down with something mellow, like meth. Or running from an ocelot.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Fear. Resentment, if they’re easy listening ghosts. Deep, “You Sold Out, Man” resentment, if they died before they heard/avoided the Coffin Vagina album.

The Mongol hoards would play loud drums as they entered battle to scare the opposition. * If they’d had Master of Puppets, you’d hear about people’s vacations to the Great Parking Lot of China.

(NOTE: and it’d be a haunted parking lot. See, cause there wouldn’t be a Great Wall because it’d be run over, cause… anyway…)

HAUNTED HISTORY: In the movie “Three Men and a Baby,” a female ghost appears in a window during one of the shots. She’s holding a copy of “Master of Puppets” and asking Steve Guttenberg to please stop talking to her, she’s asked nicely several times.

* Turns out this is not true.

2. “I LOVE A PARADE” – JOHN WILLIAMS AND THE BOSTON POPS

Patriotic marches. All the songs you droned in elementary school: Yankee Doodle, America the Beautiful, The Confederate Song the European Terrorist/Thieves Blasted in “Die Hard With a Vengeance,” etc.

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: You will hate it. You will loathe it. You will think it’s lame, dumb, silly, and a little uncool. Then, you’ll start walking in unison. Maybe marching. Nodding to each other. Before long, you’ll be focused, lean and mean. You might even figure out how all that equipment you rented works.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Say the ghost has poor eyesight, (not unreasonable.) What do you think is going to be more impressive/scary? General Washington’s Colonial Army, or Six Dudes Who Just Left Benny’s Burrito Bodega, One Of Which Inexplicably Has Nightvision Goggles?

HAUNTED HISTORY: John Williams died in 1992. What you see now is a ghost, then a cyborg… and a ghost again, after Jurassic Park III went over budget. (Tea Leoni, Sam Neill’s hat. PICTURE OF LAST) Death is cheaper than metal.

3. ALICE IN CHAINS – DIRT
Drug songs about drugs. And power cords and drugs. Alcohol.

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: “Them Bones” is to ghost hunting as “Sweet Caroline” is to Red Sox Nation, “Renegade” is to the Pittsburgh Steelers, and “Drinking” to Germany. If a ghost hunter is silent for a few moments, they’ll usually start humming “Them Bones.” Or, they’re dead. If you can’t get pumped up to hunt ghosts after that song, you aren’t a ghost hunter. You need to change your adult diaper at St. Loser’s Hospital of Suckitude for the Cool-points-ally Handicapped.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: There is one track written by human beings that can destroy everything. Life, death, doesn’t matter. It’s like a neutron bomb, if you could sneak it into the afterlife, “Iron Lung.” Don’t click this, seriously:

HAUNTED HISTORY: the picture on the cover was taken from the future, and smuggled back by a ghost for Columbia Records. In 2087, World War 5.2 will leave the Earth an orange wasteland. It’ll be pretty bleak until Cybernetic Zombie Alicia Silverstone leads her face of Large-Boobed Mud People to glory. (Can tell she’s a cybernetic zombie – the brown hair.)

4. CREED – MY OWN PRISON
Whoa, wait. We sure as hell aren’t saying it’s good. This is for hunting ghosts, now. Ghost hunting is about sacrifice. And hunting ghosts.

EFFECT ON GHOST HUNTERS: Auditory castor oil. Acupuncture: if all those nails hit you at once, it doesn’t hurt or break the skin, you get focused. Creed is aural acupuncture: it is a million little needles that, alone, would break the skin and hurt like hell, but, together, the’yre an impenetrable wall of suck. That focuses you. It’s like a cursed power up in a video game – don’t use it all at once.

Also, this album cover perfectly captures what you look like after listening to Creed. When this guy turned the album on, he was wearing a nice suit in a fast car. Now look at him.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Ghosts hate Creed. They’re already dead, haven’t they suffered enough? To learn how Creed affects ghosts, tape nails to an old telephone and hit yourself repeatedly in a sensitive region. Or, if they’re really brave and crazy, listen to Creed.

HAUNTED HISTORY: In the Beginning, God and the Devil haggled over music.

GOD: I claim the Beatles, Elvis, Beethoven and Bush.
SATAN: Yeah, sure, whatever. If you do all that, I’m going to make “Creed.”

— God had to think about that for a looooooong time.

PANTS!

As a ghost pursuer, it’s my duty to give you the best, most straightest dope I can. I understand that many/some/one of you is female, so I wanted to make sure you were included in the review of Five Best: Pants to wear.  What I learned, was shocking, evidence of the ugly head of sexism poking its unwashed face out of the shower stall of time again:

There are almost no good ghost hunting pants for ladies.

This is horrible. And someone has to be brave enough to say something about it.

Now that I just have, it’s someone else’s turn, too.

Anyway, I know that being on a ghost hunt is scary, and you might want something strong to protect you, so maybe something camouflage.  I also know that some women prefer the “Capri” pants model, because they really like to show off their sexy, sexy ankles. So I bought the largest pair of these I could find:

CAPRI PANTS

— I’m not sure what you’re supposed to be camouflaged into here. (The goo from the end of “Ghostbusters II”?)  Maybe the ghost will see you, as a woman, and think: “Oh, I will take a pink form” and then, you’ll hide your lower body by the ghost there?  Regardless, either women haven’t figured out camouflage yet (doubtful, look how good they are with colors!) or, it’s a secret plot by our pants manufacturers to get some women killed by ghosts.  Or, they’re just ugly pants.  Very possibly, both.

DESCRIPTION: Not very good.

COMFORT: Nope. (Places in my lower body still have pink marks on them, but I got the pants back – the pair I put on are completely ripped.)

EFFECT FROM GHOSTS: Mockery, derision, and a generally glad feeling that they are dead, and probably never wore such horror when they were alive.

EFFECT ON GHOSTS: Is “shame” telepathic? How about embarrassment?

HAUNTED HISTORY: There’s nothing haunted about these pants, unless you wear them for too long.  In which case, people will start to ignore you.  If you’re lucky.

—–

SKIRTS were, sadly, more of the same.  I typed “attack skirt” into Google, and was overjoyed to hear that they had a “Bat Attack Skirt.” (I know that some of you have been writing in to say that you don’t know what to do with bats on ghost hunts, do you ignore them, try to kill them, etc.?  I figured this skirt might give some clues, that we could all share together.)  Unfortunately, the only clue I received was another one in the long, dark corridor of sexism that corrodes our national conversation about female ghost hunters:

Her body says: “Ghost hunter,” her skirt says: “No, you will be terrible at ghost hunting, due to your gender.  Also: are these bats having a race around your midriff?  I vote for the one that’s three times as big as his friend.”

DESCRIPTION:  If failure could be put into fabric form, and (almost) wrapped around your waist. (I had to buy two, and sort of… mesh them together.)

COMFORT:  That I was able to take them off easily. (Bending over, ripping them, etc.)

PRICE:  I won’t tell you. (I will say, however, that duct tape has come down slightly in price.)

EFFECT FROM/ON GHOSTS:  Not sure. I tried running around in the skirt, and didn’t even make it to the ghost hunt.  I found running difficult, as well as sitting down.  I was about to head out to the ghost hunt, but when John stopped me, and (after he stopped laughing) demonstrated for me exactly some of the insults that I was very likely to soon hear, I decided not wearing a skirt was the better part of valor.

HAUNTED HISTORY:  Pontius Pilate wore a skirt when he crucified Jesus.  Alexander the Great wore a skirt when he gave Afghanistan to the Egyptians.  Napoleon wore a skirt when his flaming arrows narrowly missed Christopher Columbus as the latter took refuge behind the large doors that surround Britain. And the skirt has been cursed ever since.

—————

I needed a “man’s” ghost hunting pants.  I needed the kind of ghost hunting pants that would say vicious things to my ghost hunting skirt, and then, still have the skirt love those mean ghost hunting pants afterwards.  I asked some “hunter” friends what they wore (not “ghost hunter” but like, “hunter.”  I guess there’s some idiots that have nothing better to do on their weekends but shoot at… animals?  Um, no offense, but, “Hello!” Why would you “hunt” something if it’s not a ghost?  I think we’ve all seen a “duck” and a “deer” before.  Anyway—)

I borrowed a friend’s “hunter” pants, and I was, um… not so impressed –

This guy looks like he could be on a ghost hunt, if there was one in a swamp in the middle of the afternoon.  He looks like he’s ready for absolutely everything, provided everything doesn’t require moving quickly, moving quietly or any dignity whatsoever.

I was not, when wearing the pants. My friend is not my size.  However, I’m not really sure that would’ve mattered.

DESCRIPTION:  Wrap ten garbage bags around your crotch.  Now walk around with a flashlight saying: “I know your mother locked you in the attic for ten years.  If that makes you angry, say something.”

COMFORT:  I would be worried about carrying a gun around while wearing these, for fear that I’d accidentally-on-purpose shoot myself, or that I would shoot someone else who was wearing something more comfortable out of spite. (And “something more comfortable” being classified as anything from regular pants to “some medieval torture devices.”)

EFFECT FROM/ON GHOSTS:  Negligible.  I went into my friend’s bathroom to put them on, and I couldn’t walk out of his bathroom without falling over.  Since I know his bathroom isn’t haunted, I’m going to have to label the effectiveness of overalls on ghosts as “Inconclusive.”

HAUNTED HISTORY: The most famous overalls in history belong to the Super Mario Brothers.  They come from an ancient Italian myth about a little boy who lived in the basement of his parents’ house.  One day, it started to flood because he lived in the only basement in Venice.  His parents didn’t notice, because they were too busy being greedy, since it was the ‘80s at the time. Luckily, two not-at-all-offensively-stereotypical Italians showed up to save him, and they happened to be plumbers.  They bravely jumped into the water to get him out, and he was saved.  The plumbers, meanwhile, went deeper into the water, until they found a passage to a special, dream-like world called “the Mushroom Kingdom.”  But really, they just drowned.

————–

—- By now, you’ve hopefully learned enough to put one pant leg on. If not, next week, the rest will follow. Until then, stay clothed. If need be.

Socks.

We’ve all thought about them. At least once.

Ever since that fateful day in ancient Egypt when Pharaoh Ramses II declared: “You now how we Egyptians are always burning our feet on the sand? Well, my good buddy Osiris has got a plan for that… we’re callin’ it SOCKS! Because “Sphrinx” is already taken. Now you slaves, back to work with this huge triangle…”

People have been wearing socks. But, you’re a ghost hunter, so how are you supposed to feel about socks?

ODE TO SOCKS:

“Though it may art not, let these odors of my feet be Earthly in origin.

If they art not,

then let the demons be driven from my toes.

Let this door that removes all language speechless save the dark poetry of disgust, terror and “What Did You DO With Your Feet?” be crushed neath my heal: literally, figuratively, and allerally. (EDIT NOTE: The only translation we had said “Allerally.” A little help, anybody?)

Let me remember to cut my toenails BEFORE I’m in a social situation. And smite all non-believers. Amen.”

– (Gnostic Gospel, “The Book of Pasquale,” Letters to Fish, I-XLIII)

IMPORTANT TO GHOST HUNTERS?

Yes.

Try  Ghost Hunting without socks. If you don’t wear socks, you run the risk of giving off such a stench as to give a “false positive” of a “ghost, dead odor” or punched.

Which leads to:

PERILS OF (SOCKS)

Like pretty much anything else dealing with your feet, demonic possession of socks can be rampant, if you aren’t careful. Here’s demons for socks, and how to know them. (This might be the most important chart relating to socks and the supernatural you read this week—)

DEMON ODOR: Eggs.  DEMON: Ismodial.  (Babylonian Fertility Buffalo of Anger)  HOW TO GET RID OF: Burn

DEMON ODOR: Sulphur.  DEMON: Azrael (made cameo in season finale of Paranormal State, after getting lost and ending up on a Tenesseean’s head. Remember kids: Google Maps.) HOW TO GET RID OF: BURN (socks. In Tennessee.)

DEMON ODOR: Mud.  DEMON NAME: Mudulus (British demon of muck, bogs, and rotten pies.) NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH: Actual mud. HOW TO GET RID OF: BURN (socks. Not in mud. That will make burning more difficult.)

ODOR: Evil Feet.  DEMON: Acheeles. (Ancient greek demon of pain, foot pain, and societally-encouraged pederasty.)  HOW TO GET RID OF: BURN (at someone else’s house. Presumably, someone you don’t like. Like, in their grill, or bonfire or something. Yes, this demon is so savage, you will have to be the “Throwing My Socks in the Bonfire” guy. Just tell them you were drunk. For your immortal soul.)

ARE JASON AND GRANT (OF GHOST HUNTERS) GOOD AT IT?

Master-level.

They dominate socks.

They invented the phrase “rock socks” because they were doing it so much and so many times, someone had to come up for a word/s for it, and it had to be them. Their socks brag to other socks about how they’re Jason/Grant’s socks, to the point where other socks are so jealous they stain themselves.

By the time you read this, I’m sure they’ll have marketed TAPS socks, which will be all skulls, gargoysles, lightning and iron-wrought gates, as well a other characters from a rejected Iron Maidan album cover.

IS THE PARANORMAL STATE GUY GOOD AT IT?

No.

Socks shun him. They hate him. They tell him it’s not him, it’s them. But we all know it’s totally him.

He has one sock. It’s on his floor, and if you touch it, it’s rock hard.

…

The less said about this, the better.

DIFFICULTY? (on a scale of “1” is “easy,” and “10” is “a ghost investigation in Paris Catacombs with a Fisher Price camera, nude”)

1. They’re socks.

Did you put them on your feet? Not your head? Your hand? Tongue? Someone else?

Then congratulations! You’ve succeeded at “socks.”

WILL IT HELP WITH THE LADIES, AND (WHERE APPLICABLE) THE MEN?

If you can get a woman interested in you without wearing socks, and you aren’t some surfer/beach/guru person, we’d love to hear from you, because we’re always interested in mail from fictional characters. (What’s up, Mega Man? You coming around for the game later?)

PLEASE: Don’t say “This sock will be adequate protection.” No. No it won’t be. In any context. Whether it’s walking on rocks, or… “other.”

BUT WHAT ABOUT “WITH MEN?”

Men often times (depending on the clime) can be interested in a woman’s foot if it’s exposed.

PLEASE: You, wear socks.

IS IT A NECESSARY SKILL FOR GHOST HUNTERS?

Socks are one more thing that separate the human being from animals, and they’re one more thing that can separate we “Ghost Hunters” from “People Who Live in Basements/Trailers/Other Stereotypes Implying Loserdom/Parental Money Beyond an Acceptable Age.”

IN ENDING:

Socks are one of the things that hold our society together. They’re a sign of how we’ve moved on. In the fifth century, only holy, pure people wore socks. By 1,000 AD, it was the rich people. Now, we’re all wearing socks. If we can make socks something you can buy for six bucks and then throw on your floor in only 900 years, then there’s no telling what we can do! We could prove the existence of the afterlife! We could go to Mars! And then, we could throw it on our proverbial floor like we didn’t care about it!

So remember, when you walk around town today, and see all the stuff you can’t afford and can’t have, just think to yourself: “In 900 years, someone will have this, and totally let it get all dirty.” And when you put socks on, say to yourself: “You’ve come a long way, human race. I’m totally poor and impure.”