We came to this country, we took it from the Indians, and kept the Japanese from invading some islands over that way.

In America, we have adventure.

From purple mountains to sea to shining sea, we have shredded, climbed, surfed, wiped out and forested every thrill in our land. How do you think the mountains got purple? Because we bruised the hell out of them.

In America, we have courage and adventure.

So who sums us up, then? Who is our national symbol for our dreams, and ourselves?

General David Petraeus?

Richard Branson?

The Bald Eagle?

All correct.

But all true patriotic Americans know that the American spirit in male form is…

Josh Gates.

JOSH GATES.

It should be in capital letters every time his name is typed. Or thought about.

And that’s why he’s the inaugural installment of:

LIVIN’ THE IWR LIFE

WHAT IS “IWR?”

“INTEGRITY”

“WATCHFULNESS”

“RESPONSIBILITY”

This is the code we live by as ghost pursuers. You can tell us by the black-and-gold bracelets we wear: black, for the eternal night of death, and gold, for gold. And being golden: like, nice.

But it’s more than a code we live by, it’s an example to follow, a dream we share, the Ten Commandments in wrist-wearable form.

But you don’t have to be IWR to live IWR. (Just as you don’t have to be a ghost to be dead or help somebody when they don’t want helped.)

So, once a week, we’ll be celebrating a great person in the best way possible: by telling you about them on the internet.

But this isn’t just filled with some fancy-sissyness “book-learning” or “Wikipedia” or even “research.”

NO

We went out and asked various psychics and people who would talk to us to tell you the full story.

The IWR Story.

JOSH GATES

EARLY LIFE:

Josh was born in the small New England town of “Manchester-by-the-Sea.” He spent a lot of his time at a beach called “Singing Beach,” but it’s little known why that’s the name of the beach. When Josh was thirteen, he had an affair with a New England mermaid. (She said he was a “wicked bad lover, for someone that wasn’t a fish.”)

But, she grew obsessed with him, and tried to follow him out of the water. He’d be playing beach-volleyball or just being awesome in public at the beach and she would climb out of the water, shrieking: “JOSHHHHH!” and showing her tail to everybody.

“You aren’t the Little Mermaid! Your name is Cindy!” he’d yell at her, but she’d continue to whine, and terrify little girls into saying things to their parents like: “Is that what happens at puberty?” and “God, those shells must really hurt.”

Finally, for her safety and the town’s, he tied her tail to an un-exploded bomb buried in the New England sand. To this day, you can hear her singing:

“Oh Josh Gates… where are you? You make me half a fish, but twice a woman, when the skies are blue… I won’t evolve until I’m with you…” etc.

SLIGHTLY LATER EARLY LIFE

The film “The Good Son” is actually based on Josh Gates’ childhood, (starring Macaulay Culkin and Elijah Wood, about a crazy kid and the nebbish kid that can’t get him to go away for some reason I forget).

In the movie, the good kid and the evil kid are hanging off a cliff; the mother can save only one, and picks the right kid. (“Lord of the Rings” bore this out.)

In Josh’s life, his mother pulled him up, and the other kid fell off the cliff and died. Josh helped his mother to their car.

“You’re the good one, right?” she asked.

“Let me drive you home,” he said, and drove her home. AN OVER THE TOP: “I’m the one that survived.” “I’m the one helping you into the car,” etc.

WHY HE’S IWR:

Because he’s a professional monster hunter.

Think about that. Look at that. Let it roll around your tongue and ride the carousel of greatness in your brain -

The dude hunts monsters while someone else pays for it.

He doesn’t find monsters; he scares the hell out of them. He literally chased a Yeti away, and scared him into leaving a footprint. Then, he hung it up at Disneyworld, to keep the Yeti from ever walking through Space Mountain acting all big and bad and such.

He’s wanted in Gambia for being an American spy. The Gambian government has every right to be terrified of Josh, who can blend into Gambian culture as easily as a 6′4” white guy.

He went to Tufts University. Little known fact: while he was there, the “T” was stolen from “Tufts,” making it “Tufs.” Most people were fine with that, “We’re Tufs!” the men would yell, and then drink and sex. But Josh knew that this was wrong, in his heart.

His beating, big heart.

So, through following his father’s journal, he found that the T had been stolen by billionaire play-mogul James Monacle Esquire III. Josh led an investigation into his secret base at the foot of Moscow’s dangerous mountain base called “Zyzziskistyz,” which translates roughly to: “Moscow’s Mountain Danger Base Danger No Vodka Now Please For Later Oh God Chernobyl.” Armed with only a book of matches, a recalcitrant yak, and an entire sorority house of willing sexual partners, Josh Gates kept Dr. Esquire III from using the T to complete his “Dreaded Alphabet Doomsday” machine, which would’ve destroyed all the letters in the world. He returned the T to its rightful place at Tufts, but sadly, the other kids were no longer “Tufs,” only Josh was.

He was on the ESPN gameshow “Beg, Borrow and Deal,” where he and four other contestants went around the US breaking into people’s homes. (This is how ESPN News started.) They were all fleeing demented necromancer Rich Eisen. Josh survived the first season, (two other contestants were eaten by Eisen, and he turned the last into a cat). America, terrified of the show (and Eisen’s unholy death rictus) without Josh, gave up watching ESPN forever.

SMILING PICTURE OF RICH EISEN?

He has hosted Ghost Hunters twice. Neither time has ghosts appeared, which is directly tied to his presence/awesomeness and not anything to do with Ghost Hunters. He was given a Lifetime Emmy Award for being the first person to ever say “Also: free booze” on Ghost Hunters International.

On his own show, Destination Truth, he is either: dating all of the women who have been on it, or they secretly pine for him eternally, depending on your mood when you watch.

THE FUTURE

(Note: these are predictions. We don’t actually know if these are the future. The psychics we know aren’t too great, but there’s worse.)

In Season 3 of Destination Truth, he will challenge Bigfoot to a fight. Bigfoot will accept, tell all his friends that he’ll do it, and then not show.

He’ll be on Dancing With the Stars, and make it to the finals with his partner, “Cyborg Suzanne Sommers.” As they’re doing their final dance, they’ll be attacked by Cindy the Mermaid, who’ll be riding a fleet of Massholes and carrying an unexploded bomb. Josh will sing to the Mermaid, and agree to return with her to the sea, and just as they’re about to kiss…

THWOCK!

He’ll hit her in the face with Cyborg Suzanne Sommers!

Cindy will fly into the bomb, which will explode, and strangely turn into a parallelogram that hurtles through the CBS night, along with all those Massholes. Unfortunately, Josh and Suzanne will come in 2^nd, to Hines Ward and Holographic Valerie Bertinelli v. 3.8

Josh will remember to get Cindy’s footprint, and put it outside the “Little Mermaid Ride” at Disney World. He’ll write: “Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Are Fish-Chicks” on it.

In an upcoming episode of Destination Truth, he’ll return to Manchester-by-the-Sea, amid tales that a “dark” Josh Gates has been roaming the countryside, carrying virgins to the sea. He’ll confront the monster (with some local guides while eating something inedible) and realize that the only thing more dangerous than evil Josh Gates is actual Josh Gates.

“I’m the dark one, you’re the light one!” his dark self will sneer.

“No, punk,’ he’ll jut out his awesome chin, or as I call this move, Closing the Gates. “You’re midnight. I’m three AM.”

And then they’ll take the evil Josh Gates’s footprints as he runs away.

JOHN: PUT IN A PICTURE FOR THIS. A FREE ONE OF THIS AWESOME DUDE THAT WE’RE NOT GOING TO GET SUED/INTROUBLE FOR.

John Note: I think that’s pretty, suitably awesome.